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Old 04-09-2013, 03:24 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

Originally Posted by Manifestiny View Post
Yes, that's right...i clearly stated this in my post. I also stated that, to others, she says that i am the cause of her depression. Can you please elaborate more clearly on what you are implying here? Are you suggesting this should be reason enough for me to forfeit my happiness?

Okay I gave this advice to someone else recently. Depression, anxiety, diassociative Disorder, all of those are problems. Admittedly. They CAN have an external source. For example, I was told that my brain chemistry was changed as a child because I was in an unsafe environment emotionally. However, that doesn't mean that now, as an adult, any time I get depressed or things get really hard for me it's someone else's fault.

No, it's not a reason to forfeit your happiness. Can you support and help her? Sure, if she lets you. If she's willing to work with you. When things get really hard, I'm just not able to function, my instinct is to cocoon. To just hide and be quiet and pull away. That's my instinct, but it's not the best way to handle things. I have had to learn to tell people around me and ask for help or explain what helps and what doesn't. If she is just cocooning and not letting you help you can ask, but really it's still up to her if she wants your help or not.

I suggest saying something like, "I know this is hard for you, and I want to help. I am asking for you to tell me when you need help, how I can help. If it's just a hug, holding you while you cry, or listening I am willing to do that, but I need you to let me help you. I can understand that you may want to deal with this alone, but I wanted to remind you that you don't have to."

A big hurdle we went through and BF is still learning is sometimes it makes it worse when someone just 'helps'. I know they mean well but it works better if they ask me if I need help or how they can help. Now if she really doesn't want to let you in to help then you can't force her. In the end, it's something she has to decide how to deal with or if she wants to. Oh! Also, reminding her that if you ask, "How can I help?" and she doesn't know, the answer of "I don't know." Is always valid! Offer a hug then.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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