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Old 11-26-2012, 08:07 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467
Default overshare, undershare, all over the share...

Hello guys,

(Now... I have just searched for the tag 'overshare', amongst others - so please tell me if this question is constantly asked and I'll be happy to read old threads!)

I'm at a very comfortable stage in poly, finally. ~happy dance~ Being at such a good place, I'm not wanting to rock the boat. Our guidelines have evolved after two years together and now we are tackling the issue of overshare vs undershare.

Main question -
How do you balance overshare vs undershare? What works in your relationship, or for you? Mainly - what's your communication about having sex with someone? Do you communicate it or not? What about other things - messaging, dating, etc?

So far in our relationship, we've told each other almost everything. When we've been ready to sleep with others, we've checked in with each other, been given the green light and then told each other once it's happened. However... we've found that waiting for that sentence 'I slept with them' has possibly caused us more harm than good. We've also hit a stumbling block, because this technique has applied to new people (i.e. three dates, have sex)... but there's a different kind of person in the mix now, who neither of us know how to navigate.

I won't go into detail; but I do not like my girlfriend's potential secondary. We've talked at length and I want her to just go ahead and have the experiences she wants with him. I'm feeling much better about that going on, but don't want to get hit with a truck when things start to happen. She has a date with him this weekend. I'm wondering if it's a better idea to just not have the 'we had sex' discussion. I would like her to be able to enjoy her sexual freedom and for myself to not have to stress about something I really don't need to stress about.

I don't like complete Don't Ask Don't Tell, because I love feeling close and connected to my girlfriend. I don't want secret lives. But I know there have been times when we would have found more enjoyment in sex with others if we had been able to be more spontaneous about it and have less worry about hurting each other, or breaking a guideline.

I don't know whether to say 'You don't need to tell me about this particular guy, but let's stick to the old way about new people', or what? I'd find it really, really useful to hear your specific experience on this and what works best for you.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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