Thread: help?
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:41 AM
CaptZebra CaptZebra is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Go read River's Emotions Post on the general board and see if you can work through your issues.

That's my first piece of advice.

Why are you feeling this way?
You established that it's NOT HER. That's a great step-most people blame first then realize it's themself (hell they even do that in the new tinkerbell movie!) but insecurity, fear, need to control, these are almost always caused by something internal.

So what is going on in there? What is up in yourself that is causing this reaction?

Until you figure all of that out-you can't resolve what the solution is.

If you already know you CAN do poly (as you did before and allegedly didn't stop because you HAD to) then why suddenly are you afraid of it?
I read the post before I posted this and after and again just now. I think it is very wise as are the comments people have left. I've been trying really hard to acknowledge my emotions (something I have historically avoided), to feel them, to breathe through my fear and anxiety... its easier, in the short term, to just stuff them down but usually comes 'round to bite me in the ass at a later date.

Part of my acknowledging is coming here and posting... which has been helpful.

I think mostly I am feeling afraid and insecure--I am comfortable with my life now, I don't want things to change. But I don't think that fear of change, or fear in general, is a great thing for me to be base my decisions on.

Being poly seemed/felt different before. We both had other relationships, we had our own apartments, we had separate jobs, and different social circles. But now, and for the last 5 years, it's just been us. We spend most of our time together as neither of us have traditional jobs, we live together, we pretty much have the same friends. So I guess, before, I didn't feel like I had as much to lose? That's not quite right... maybe I don't want my life disrupted or I'm afraid of being alone? Not sure that's right either, or some of all of it and more. I definitely have more thinking/feeling to do. And more talking to my partner to do.

My emotional self wants me to rush out and find a new partner for myself. I don't think this is the right thing to do and certainly would not be fair to another person. I seriously doubt it would do anything to ameliorate my distress and it would likely just make things even more complicated.

Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
That's what I was going to say after reading your first post.

Please forgive me if I'm projecting myself onto you. Sometimes that's how I understand others: fitting it into how I would feel so I can relate.

I also wonder if maybe you think you should be ok with her being with someone else. In theory it makes sense. You can't think of any reason why you shouldn't be ok with it. But, there are emotions inside you.

I wonder if you need to be honest with the raw, unrefined emotions this brings up for you and give them some recognition, (if indeed they're there?) and give them permission to contradict what you think you're ok with. Does this make sense?

This definitely makes sense. I do think I should be fine with this. I think I should be fine with this, it shouldn't provoke the emotions I am having, and that it should be easy! Any suggestions on dealing with them? I know the easy part is crazy. But what about being upset at myself for feeling this way?

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