Beo's Log, Stardate....Today.

Beodude123

New member
Since Jen has her own thing on here, I think I'll make my own, that way I can post updates without bogging hers down.


Anyways, I guess I'll start from the beginning, and kind of jump to now. I'm 28 years old, married to Jen for almost 7 years, and we have two kids. Girl and boy, 3 and 18 months respectively.


I had a friend at work that I became very close with quickly, and he came over a few times. He came over again in January, and we were all being flirty (drinking too). When we were going to bed, Jen asked if she could kiss him. Not really knowing what she meant, I said "sure". They pretty much proceeded to make out. I eventually said "okay okay", and we went to bed.

A couple days later, Jen and I were texting, and she said she found something called polyamory. She told me what it was about etc... I kind of had a hard time understanding it (still do haha), but she seemed pretty into it. So I said we could give it a try.

Jen isn't exactly the most patient person, and I hadn't really read much on here, so we pretty much bear blasted on into it. Kissing, playing around (no intercourse), the works. I kind of felt a little overwhelmed, but Jen kept reassuring me that everything was fine, and that she loves me. So we kept going.

The next time James came over, we had another threesome, and after I was done, I went out into the living room. I wasn't really doing anything, just kind of waiting for them to be done. Jen came in the room, and asked if they could do it. I said no, and she went back in the room. That kind of sent me off into a weird place. I stared at a vent pretty much the whole time, trying to figure out everything. The vent seemed good, because it had many sides, just like the situation.

We talked for a good while after, and I was feeling a bit more positive again. Jen and I kept talking, and we had very good communication about everything. I was still having trouble with a lot of things, but it seemed like I was working through them pretty well. Jealousy hadn't really reared it's ugly head, and Jen and I were closer than ever before.

A couple weeks later, she asked about the no intercourse boundary again. I told her I still wasn't really all that comfortable with it, and we talked about it for a while. I told her I was scared that it would diminish what we have. She said it wouldn't, and that the only way to get rid of the fear was to have it happen. I reluctantly said yes, since I knew it was going to keep coming up.

This whole time, I had kind of been back and forth between wanting poly to work for us, and not wanting it. I was feeling different myself. Kind of detached a bit, but not really all that bad. I was a bit more irritable as well. I had been drinking quite a bit, so that could have something to do with that... But more on that later.

Anyways, the day that James was going to come over, they ended up not doing it. It was a relief for me, but it was still on the table. I started feeling more detached, more tired, more irritable... Drinking more. We kept talking, but it wasn't quite on the level that it was before, or at least not as much. More back and forth on my part, which was tearing me up, because I'm usually a pretty solid person. When I make up my mind, it pretty much stays made up.

Fast forward to these last couple weeks. I had a long week at work, without much sleep, and on Friday J was coming over. Before he came, I told her I couldn't do it, that it was tearing me up. Bad timing, I know, but I couldn't help the way I felt. Jen said that we should just get through the night, and talk in the morning. We eventually decided that a month seemed fair to see if it would work. I told her I would try my best to remain positive, and off we went.

Jealousy started coming up at this point. J was coming over for dinner (which in itself didn't bother me, since I work swings), but the nice meals kind of made me -_-.... Not that she doesn't make me nice meals, but you know how it goes. You only really make note of it when it's for somebody else. More back and forths, more drinking, more tired.

James came over again on a Friday, but I was pretty tired (and feeling cranky), so I went to bed pretty early. I woke back up early, and couldn't go back to bed. I was feeling more disconnected with everything, and even kind of starting to feel uncomfortable at home. It kind of felt like Jen was a different person... Maybe it was me? We made love one time, and she said it didn't feel like I was there, like it was a different person. She said I had been aggressive, which wasn't like me. That hurt me a lot, since it got called off in the middle... A few days later, pretty much the same thing happened.

At this point I was feeling pretty crappy, since I felt emotionally disconnected, and now there was a physical disconnect. I didn't know what to do with myself at home. Usually I play games to relax, but I hadn't really been in the mood to play for a while. So when I needed to do something with my hands, I cleaned. It gave me something to do, at least, and kept my mind off things. At this point, I was pretty depressed about everything. I felt like I was losing Jen, and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it.

So Thursday rolls around, and J came over for dinner. He didn't have to come in on the next shift, so he was at home when I got off. It was a pretty stressful day at work, and I was jamming pretty hard for about 7 hours straight. I came home exhausted, and jealousy was waiting for me. The nice dinner again, but food was left out. A couple of other things stressed me out even more. Jen was in the other room with J, and she wanted me to snuggle. I wanted to go to bed more than anything else, but I had obliged. I snuggled for about 1 minute and a half, on the dot. I wasn't feeling very comfortable, so I removed myself from the situation. I went out into the kitchen and cleaned up some things. My hands needed something to do... So I tried to keep them busy. After that, I climbed in bed, but I couldn't sleep. I sent Jen a couple of texts (she was still in the room with J) asking if she could come in the room. Her phone was wedged in something, and she didn't hear it. When I didn't get a response, I was pretty upset. I told her nevermind... Still nothing.

At that point, I was kind of freaking out. I couldn't stop moving my hands. So I went back out into the kitchen to do some more cleaning. I don't think it was very productive though. I hung up some keys, and wiped up a bit. Then I went back into bed. I couldn't sit still, so I asked Jen if she could come in. I spent about 10 minutes having a panic attack or something... Couldn't stop moving my hands.

After I calmed down, Jen said she couldn't do this to me, and told J it wasn't going to work. We both cried a lot, and went to bed. I was sort of happy that a very specific focus for my negativity was gone, but I was so tired I didn't have much time to reflect on it. The next day I get the kids in the morning, and I'm pretty much crying the whole morning. I felt like a terrible person. Jen had to give up something that made her happy for me. Since I can't be happy if Jen isn't happy.... I was trying to think of compromises. The panic attack really scared me, since I'm not the type of person that freaks out about things. I started to think about what I've been doing with my life.

After Jen got up, we talked a lot about everything. I could tell she was pretty sad about having to give it up. She said we would take a big step back. I told her I wanted to clear my head, and quit drinking, because I knew I had been drinking a lot. She was pretty upset that I didn't do that before, but I hadn't really thought about it, you know? The panic thing made me think a lot about everything. I really started realizing what I had been doing to myself, to J, and to Jen. Made me feel pretty terrible.

We talked a lot more, and decided that Jen needed to experience poly (especially sine it hadn't even been a month yet). Marriage is about compromises after all.

We haven't talked about what exactly is going to be on the plate for J and Jen, but this time it's going to be at my pace. I think jumping head first into everything was just too much for me to take. I always told Jen I wanted to make it work for us, because I could tell how happy it made her. So now we have to figure out what everybody is comfortable with...


Sorry for the book, but I figured I'd cover all the bases, and give an update on everything.
 
Haha, took me three times of reading the title to fgiure out it wasn't a typo. I actually read it OUT LOUD and then it clicked into my mind.
I haven't had television in 15 years. ;)
 
I've been doing a lot of pretty deep introspection the last couple days, and a word that has kind of popped into my head is codependancy. I'm pretty sure I am a codependant person. I think it contributes a lot of my fear of loss and change, no matter how irrational. Right now, it feels like I want to get as much of Jen's time as I can. She makes me happy, so why not, right?

But how does one battle that?
 
All I have to say, self realization is a pain! After much thinking today, I think I've made some good progress. I'll cut and paste the good bits from an email I sent to Jen... But I think I'm finally getting there.

From my mental flow chart, a lot of my issues are stemming from codependance. At least knowing that will help me start correcting the problem.
 
So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm codependant. It's kind of always something that's been there, but it never really seemed to be a problem. But now, since I'm not the one-stop-shop for all that is man, I feel threatened by it.

At least knowledge of why I have been reacting the way I have will help me to combat it. It's definitely going to take some time for me to figure it all out, but from what I keep thinking, it's pretty much at the bottom. For all the things I feel, codependancy fits the reason.

The last few weeks I've been super clingy, which wasn't like me. I think that was me just trying to hang onto what I thought I had before... Which isn't fair to Jen, and it's not fair to me.

So now, to let go a bit. Instead of dreading the time she is away, I am working on cherisihing the time we do have. Besides, if I'm scared when she is away, I can't very well enjoy the time we do get together, and I have been feeling that (even though I was kind of putting it out of my head).


It's pretty hard being shaken down to your core. I felt like I had kind of lost sight of myself over the last few weeks. Because of everything that had happened, I think my body just went into self defense mode, and lashed out against it all. After figuring out I'm codependant, I kind of felt like I had gotten a piece of myself back, and felt empowered.


So, today is a new day, and I feel like I'll be able to be a better husband now.
 
Today has been kind of off and on for me. I've been having a hard time with not spending time with Jen, be it errands or naps or what not, but at least I know why I am feeling the way I am. I am feeling pretty empowered as far as the codependancy thing. While it still draws a lot of power from me, I know where it is coming from, and where it's going, so at least I understand.

I'm feeling more okay with Jen doing derby, and more okay with J being in the picture. I wish he'd be better with his communication, but to each their own right? I'm going to have a good talking with him tomorrow night, and see what happens.

It was kind a rough day for me, but it was a day I was able to deal with. The understanding helps a megaton, and allows me to be able to accept and cope with why I feel the way I do. It's going to take a lot of time, but I really feel like I'm on the path to healing right now. I'm not quite sure how all the poly stuff is going to end up. Not quite sure if I'll ever truly be okay with sex.. But for now, I'm in a good place.



I've also finally started to realize that Jen hasn't changed. My image of her has, but she has remained the same person. What I thought I needed of her has changed, but again, she is the same person. So I'm growing into another spot, another place in which I can be her rock. Because that's what I am. I'm a stable person, and the most important person to Jen. That's all I can ever be, no matter who comes and goes. I will always be there.
 
I've also finally started to realize that Jen hasn't changed. My image of her has, but she has remained the same person. What I thought I needed of her has changed, but again, she is the same person. So I'm growing into another spot, another place in which I can be her rock. Because that's what I am. I'm a stable person, and the most important person to Jen. That's all I can ever be, no matter who comes and goes. I will always be there.


Big happy squeezy hugs for you... sounds like a good place to be :D
 
It's been a pretty good few days. Haven't been feeling too anxious, and have been feeling more like myself than I have in a few weeks. I've been talking a lot more about everything again, which definitely helps. I don't feel like I need to be around Jen as much as possible, but I very much enjoy when we are together!

She and I talked about her past, and how she was before she met me, and we got married. It was kind of hard to hear, but I think it gave me some good insight, and it helped sink in the fact that how she has been acting isn't new for her, even if it is for me. Baby steps, for sure, but it's in the right direction at least.

I feel more expressive of my own love, towards Jen (not that I never told her... haha), and towards my good friends at work. Maybe that will help me to accept poly a little easier? Not sure, but like I said, it's a good start.


Overall, I feel like I'm in a good place though.
 
@ Beodude123: I've just read through the whole of this thread in one go. (quick aside: I'm not a trekky either, but the message I programmed to appear every time I turn on my mobile phone is "Beam us up, Scott!" It seems to go with the hardware.)

It strikes me that you and James hit it off pretty well together originally (it was you who introduced him to Jen), but now you write that he isn't very good at his communication. With you or in general? Is your difficulty / pain with his relationship with Jen maybe causing him to have difficulty communicating with you?

[I don't know you, Beodude123, but some of us got some flak from other newbies when we tried to give helpful advice and/or comments that didn't appeal to them... so I'm going to be cautious and assure you that I have no intention of being judgemental, and am fully aware that my ideas might be wide off-beam. Take them for what they're worth, and if they don't apply, please don't get sore. It's painful to read what you're going through and I do honestly only want to help.]

Whether that [your pain leading to his lack of communication] is part of what is going on or not, I think that it would be helpful for you to cultivate the friendship between him and you without Jen in the middle. Spend some quality time with him on your own. (If you don't like each other enough for this to be possible and potentially enjoyable, I don't hold out much hope for the future of your V relationship with Jen at the hinge.) You should both of you open up to each other without being judgemental and without "knowing" what motivates the other, without "knowing" what the other wants. Open your ears and open your hearts.

And don't be too hard on yourself! You're sailing uncharted waters. Others may have sailed similar waters but nobody but the 3 of you can get the 3 of you through this. Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be hopeful... and be yourselves.

Happy sailing!
 
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Don't worry man, no butt hurting here. I, unlike some, take the advice of others when I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. Still though, he and I have had a lot of time together (granted, it was pretty much all before the poly thing came about), so we know each other fairly well. I'm just not quite sure he is what will be fitting what Jen and I need, so we're talking about that right now.
 
Well, I keep getting deeper. J probably isn't going to work out, due to communication etc. Anyways, Jen has been talking to another guy that I have worked with, JB. They're just talking right now, but I know she is interested in him, and he's probably interested in her.


While I feel a lot more in control of my emotions, they still are getting the best of me at times. Last night I had another "don't know what to do with my hands" type thing. When I'm like that, pretty much all rational thought goes out the window, and everything that runs through my brain is negative.

Jen read a couple paragraphs from "The Ethical Slut" that talked about jealousy. That it's not an emotion, it's more of a reason for feeling the way you feel. Anger, fear, anxiety, depression... All of them I have been feeling.


So the big question is, how do you deal with jealousy? I think I'm jealous of the affection Jen would show towards others. I'd be very jealous of the sex, but we haven't even gotten to that yet. It's like I want it all (as silly as that is). How can I let go of that? It's not so easy as to say "oh well, that's dumb. Time for it to go". Obviously it's not really something that Jen can help with all that much, and it doesn't feel like talking about it is really helping either.



*EDIT* I'm pretty sure the main reason for the jealousy is that for pretty much the 7 years we have been married, Jen had pretty much been a stay at home wife / mom. Since we started together in England, we didn't really have any friends, so it was just the two of us. When we moved here, we had our first child within a couple months, and that had been consuming much of her time. Now though, she is seeing a lot more people, and doing a lot more stuff in general... So maybe it's a mix of codependence and jealousy? I don't know...


*EDITED EDIT* Also, why would I feel angry about the discovery of jealousy? When Jen first said it, it made a lot of sense... But I was feeling a little anger. Not a lot mind you, but it was still there. Is it because you can't really put it on somebody else, and have to deal with it on your own? One thing that I've kind of been going back and forth with in my mind has been "if only poly hadn't happened". So is the discovery of my jealousy making me mad because it's something I have to confront on my own?
 
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I can't help at all with the jealousy part. C was not at all gentle or patient and I was pretty much left to myself to work through things while he went out with other people and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. But I can say it gets easier to watch your partner go out once you've had a few experiences that tell you she's also going to come back and still love you when she does.

The other feelings you're having, (anger, anxiety, what-if's, etc.), sounds like the stages of grieving. Your relationship as you knew it is over and it's perfectly natural to go through a mourning process. Let yourself feel the anger and the depression and do the bargaining and know that it's okay. Write your feelings down and rant away, have a good cry, go hit a punching bag or whatever lets you get your emotions out. You have to go through that to get to the acceptance part.
 
It's weird. I'm not really affraid that Jen is going to leave me. I know that what she and I have could never be replaced. I don't think she's going to fall "more" in love with somebody else....

But there is just this aversion to the thought of her with other men, mostly physically. Even just the thought kissing and stuff gets to me. The grieving thing makes a lot of sense, and there is that feeling sometimes. So I guess I'll just figure out how to work through that.
 
I just wish I knew what to do when you were feeling the anxiety. I get flooded with guilt and it makes me want to stop everything and "go back" to the way it was. At the same time the thought of that doesn't feel right either, and I immediately feel a sense of loss at the idea of it.

All I think I can do is listen, and keep telling you how much I love you, and that none of this is because I feel you are inadequate in any way, shape or form. I wish there was an easier answer.
 
I'm not quite sure what to tell you on that one.. I think it's just something I have to work through on my own. The contact does seem to help though.

I actually had a pretty positive thing happen last night. Jen was having a pretty rough time with a lot of things last night when I got to work. I tried to do as much as I could before I left, but I can't erase stress -_-. While I was at work, when J was headed out the door, I pulled him to the side. I asked if he could head over and hang out with Jen for a bit. He said sure. I asked if he had chocolate, and he looked in his bag, and he did! So he headed over there.

It was nice to be able to count on him, and help Jen out. It's the first positive thing that's happened (poly wise) in a couple weeks. Hopefully this will be a good start to something that can be healthy again.
 
Well, in my infinite wisdom, I wanted to tell somebody about Jen being poly. I figured it would help me to get more comfortable with her newfound life. I told one guy that I'm pretty close to. At first he didn't get it, but when I asked him if he knew any single girls for me to date... He finally understood. Haha

It wasn't my best idea. He pretty much reiterated all of my things, and sort of validated them, as silly as that sounds. So yeah, it kinda sucks. Great idea, right? Not so much.
 
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