sexless marriage

booklady78

New member
I was tempted to create a dummy account and post this question, but I just can't bring myself to do it. As incredibly awkward as I feel about this, I really need to hear some support and hopefully hear from people who are in a similar situation. (Private messages are totally fine, if that's more comfortable for anyone)

My husband and I don't have sex anymore. There have been attempts over the past few months that have left both of us upset and frustrated. I know that he wouldn't feel comfortable with me posting the more intimate details, but we'll just leave it at "sex is not happening".

Each of us has other partners that are very sexually fulfilling. We don't have children, nor do we intend to. We both agree that we love each other and are happy with the life we've built together in every other respect.

I'm full of so much doubt and uncertainty because I'm struggling to understand what we're "supposed" to do here. I know that sex doesn't define a marriage, but it does play a rather big part of it - particularly the initimacy of a relationship. We still talk openly about things, we are still each others best friend, we believe and trust in one another. We have grown rather comfortable with each other and I know that we can do more to appreciate each other, not take our relationship for granted. Part of me feels ok with continuing our relationship as is and removing this expectation of sex being a measure of the health of our relationship. My husband, on the other hand is really, really struggling with this, feeling very upset and frustrated. And let's not forget my boyfriend who seems a bit unnerved by all of this as well, like I will be looking to him to "fill the void" so to speak. It's not like he hasn't been already, but to really admit to him that the sex has all but dried up between hubby and I... My bf has always been so supportive of my marriage, it would concern him if things weren't going well for any reason.

I did read through some forum postings on the "importance of sex", I was getting overwhelmed with the volume of responses and different tangents.

I guess I'm looking for any and all responses here, whether they are "that's messed up" or "I'm in a similar dynamic and happy/miserable/etc". I just need to hear something please.
 
PN and I don't have a rockin sex life right now either. We haven't for awhile really... since before Mono came along. We have had several threesomes and some fun times in the past, but our sex life is more about cuddling and being naked together than anything else... we both get off in the end, but it is not the passion it used to be... its married sex ;) I just put it down to that.

I know what you mean though by the concern. There was a three month period where we had NOTHING> I was terrified. There were some reasons for it however that I can't say here, but ultimately I was a bit scared.

I find that my hormones guide the way and I let nature do its thing. In nature women pick the men they want to make babies with and then gravitate to them until someone more worth making babies with comes along... I am in doubt to this ever being even between two or more men.

Bah, I just let it alone and love him for what we have. Sex in relationships isn't everything. As long as there is closeness in a persons life then the rest comes and goes I figure.

PN has no other lovers at the moment so I am very careful to hug/hold him everyday if nothing else. Its important to be close to someone every day. It sounds like the two of you have other partners at least. That means that you are both being taken care off with closeness. I would bet it comes around at some point.

These are just thoughts. I really have no idea if I am full of shit or not. I look forward to hearing other points of view on this one as I too would like some guidance.
 
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There was a time when I wasn't sexual with Maca for years.

There've been many years when GG and I weren't.

I don't think that it has to be a "bad omen" for the relationship.

BUT-if one or the other of you is having negative emotions regarding it-then it would be a good idea to deal with those emotions. Not necessarily "fix the sex issue" but really acknowledge and work with the emotions themselves.

Hugs
 
Hi Booklady,

I don't feel that sex is the defining characteristic of a wonderful relationship. I can easily see where two people in a long standing relationship could drift sexually apart because of their different needs/desires. I don't think this has any intrinsic meaning other than what you guys assign to it.
There's a lot of ways to fulfill the intimacy quotient that doesn't involve conventional sex/orgasm etc. Cuddling and closeness is always available.

On the other hand, there may be some "stuff" going on in the background that's not being talked about. That can certainly kill the sex drive. Trust issues ? Insecurities ?

You can choose to 'dig' for these things, or just accept the position you are in for a time and see what happens. Time exposes/solves many things.

You say you are both 'fulfilled' from other directions so the frustration element should be minimized. That always helps.

I say look at it as a curiosity and don't make a huge deal of it right now. See what happens over some time.

GS
 
I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.
 
I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.
What was it about stress? I'm looking for relevance in terms of your questions.
 
I just have a few questions...

1. What are your ages?
2. How long have you been married.
3. How long have you both been with your other partners?
4. Did you both decide to be childfree? Is there pressure from family members to start having kids.
5. What amount of time do you spend with your other partners?

My wife and I went thru a similar period, but it turned out to be stress.

1. I'm 32, husband is 34
2. We've been together for 14 years
3. I've been with my bf for about 18 months, hubby with his gf for one year
4. We are both in agreement about being childfree. Yes there is family pressure to have kids, but that's not something we give any weight too.
5. We spend a great deal of time with our other partners, at least one overnight visit per week, usually one full day on the weekends, a quick peck on the cheek at least or visit for about an hour each day during the week, sometimes more.

I will also add that my husband and I were each others first sexual partner.
And we are comfortable with affection, we sleep in the same bed most nights, cuddle, curl up on the couch, hold hands, etc.
To add another detail, he has no health issues mental or physical that would cause any issues. It's not an issue with his girlfriend, we both have active sex lives apart from each other.
 
5. We spend a great deal of time with our other partners, at least one overnight visit per week, usually one full day on the weekends, a quick peck on the cheek at least or visit for about an hour each day during the week, sometimes more.

It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.
 
It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.
+1
I think maybe you're just too comfortable around each other. I wouldn't say that is a bad thing though. Personally, sex isn't something that would define a loving relationship to me. I do find it can be quite a romantic and sharing thing to do though.

A suggestion, which may not be at all a good one. Make some time with each other to just have that sex. Or anything else you feel you are missing with each other. If you are spending all the time with other partners, I'm sure even a nice meal at your favourite restaurant has been overlooked in a little while. =]
 
Booklady,
The biggest messes we get ourselves into usually happen when we "should" on ourselves. You know, we expect usually that a married couple "should" have sex, then we expect a married couple to stop having sex at some point, and so on and so on, or whatever. My point is, your relationship is what you make it.

If you and hubby are attempting to make love because you think you SHOULD, well, no wonder it ain't happening!! Most people inwardly rebel at being told what to do, even when it's ourselves who tell us what to do. Can you hear that dialogue in your head? "I really should want to..." "No!"

Last thing I want is to fuck someone just because I think I'm supposed to. If I had a dick, it would go soft!

The other problem is that people tend to stop seeing their partner anew each day. We tend to think that because we've been with someone 10, 15, 20 years, we know them. We think there isn't anything new to discover. So not true! People change and grow and are constantly learning and absorbing new info, no one is stagnant. Isn't it every seven years that our bodies completely regenerate or something like that? So, maybe you guys have just stopped seeing the nuances of who you both really are. You may be just looking and allowing yourself to see only what you expect to see, instead of looking at your mate with a fresh pair of eyes as if you've just met them. It IS possible!

You're not in trouble! It only feels like that when you think you SHOULD be something you're not. You two might just want talk about where you are, what you want, and figure out how to give it to each other. Is it romance? Is it discovering new things about each other? If having sex is a goal, let it happen because you two want it, not because you think it's something that a married couple is supposed to be doing! Be compassionate and think of it as a fun game, nothing to worry about!! Explore each other and what you want, what you feel might freshen up your relationship. Don't get all heavy about it, it can be fun -- think of this stage you're at as a signpost that says it's time to go deeper and find more ways to get to know each other and yourselves.
 
nycindie... you're awesome :)
I already knew everything you're saying, I just needed to hear someone state it as you did.
Our marriage is not conventional, we've always done what worked best for us, not what was expected. I'm trying to let go of so many conventions, pretty monogamous ones about what "marriage" is. Marriage is ultimately a partnership and we have one that works in so many ways.
It's been hard to be upset when hubby is upset though, I didn't have the words to reassure him. We've been talking more and we're accepting where we're at. We know we have some work to do, seems we've gotten really swept up in the whole "poly" thing and really needed to take a step back and say "Shit! Do you realize how much our lives have changed in the past year!"
 
It does seem like you are spending more quality time with your other partners and neglecting each other. After 14 years, it can get to a point where it is nothing more than comfortable and familiar. While cuddling on the couch watching TV at the end of the day(when your both tired) is nice, it's not the same thing as spending a couple hours or more actually focusing on your partner.


I can't say I agree with this. One day on a weekend and an hour or so during the week doesn't seem like overkill to me. I know people that work away from home more than that... anyway just my two cents on the matter.

It sounds more to me like a case of either out of sync (which happens in all relationships from time to time in varying degrees) or some possible underly cause that has yet to be addressed. The oddest things can get in a persons mind and fester, causing all sorts of problems. Something a simple as an offhand remark can plant the seed of insecurity and doubt.

If this sexless trend started around the time one or both of you began "secondary" relationships I'd start digging for answers/causes there...
 
To nycindie

Booklady,
The biggest messes we get ourselves into usually happen when we "should" on ourselves. You know, we expect usually that a married couple "should" have sex, then we expect a married couple to stop having sex at some point, and so on and so on, or whatever. My point is, your relationship is what you make it.

If you and hubby are attempting to make love because you think you SHOULD, well, no wonder it ain't happening!! Most people inwardly rebel at being told what to do, even when it's ourselves who tell us what to do. Can you hear that dialogue in your head? "I really should want to..." "No!"

Last thing I want is to fuck someone just because I think I'm supposed to. If I had a dick, it would go soft!

The other problem is that people tend to stop seeing their partner anew each day. We tend to think that because we've been with someone 10, 15, 20 years, we know them. We think there isn't anything new to discover. So not true! People change and grow and are constantly learning and absorbing new info, no one is stagnant. Isn't it every seven years that our bodies completely regenerate or something like that? So, maybe you guys have just stopped seeing the nuances of who you both really are. You may be just looking and allowing yourself to see only what you expect to see, instead of looking at your mate with a fresh pair of eyes as if you've just met them. It IS possible!

You're not in trouble! It only feels like that when you think you SHOULD be something you're not. You two might just want talk about where you are, what you want, and figure out how to give it to each other. Is it romance? Is it discovering new things about each other? If having sex is a goal, let it happen because you two want it, not because you think it's something that a married couple is supposed to be doing! Be compassionate and think of it as a fun game, nothing to worry about!! Explore each other and what you want, what you feel might freshen up your relationship. Don't get all heavy about it, it can be fun -- think of this stage you're at as a signpost that says it's time to go deeper and find more ways to get to know each other and yourselves.

Just had to reply and say I adore you for this!! The SHOULD is an awful, awful, stress inducing thing.
 
I can't say I agree with this. One day on a weekend and an hour or so during the week doesn't seem like overkill to me.

It was one day on the weekend, one overnight during the week and an hour each day. BIG difference. There was no mention of how much time is spent texting, emailing and talking on the phone. How much of the same is put toward the spouse when laundry, finances, household chorse, etc are not happening?
 
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I can't say I adore you Cindie, but I sure like you a lot.

I was married for 30 years, together with him for 33. Our sex life went up and down. For us, it was stresses, and my underlying needs as a bisexual, which he didnt accept, and my inborn poly nature which we didnt have a name for for 20 years.

And we did have 3 kids in 5 years after being together 10 years. We didnt' have family nearby to help with childcare either.

But once our youngest turned 4 and started sleeping thru the night, and we felt comfortable with having teen babysitters or leaving them with the (distant) grandparents and aunts for a week at a time, things really heated up again and we had a 2nd honeymoon. That is also when he finally somehow wrapped his head around me being bi, and also when we started exploring being poly.

We found taking little weekend getaways together really helped too. There is something so hot about hotel sex.

I find it disturbing when married poly people have more sex with their OSOs than with their primary. Not to be critical, I think it's a good thing to discuss and be concerned about, is all. Sex with OSOs isnt supposed to replace sex with the primary, it's supposed to enhance it. Ideally.
 
I find it disturbing when married poly people have more sex with their OSOs than with their primary. Not to be critical, I think it's a good thing to discuss and be concerned about, is all. Sex with OSOs isnt supposed to replace sex with the primary, it's supposed to enhance it. Ideally.

Why. Thats a utopian way to look at it. Not everyone has the same sex drive, or has past problems, or is in the throws of NRE...

Not to mention knks/fetish etc can seriously make things skewed.

I can't say I have a sexless marriage. Its isn't uber active. We had some serious down time years ago, but life has been good this past year and is getting better by the day. For us, well it gets complicated... a little too personal even for me. :)
 
If I had the choice of a sexless marriage or a marriage with someone who couldn't fulfill me mentally & emotionally I'd take the sexless marriage every time!

As others have suggested: make some time for the two of you. A date night.

We did this tonight. We went to our favorite sushi bar as a Valentine's treat AND a 'happy place' visit since Breathes has been feeling down in the dumps lately.

Good luck.
 
Relationships go through different phases. Sex can be variable for a lot of different reasons. Have you thought of trying to add some newness? like trying out a fantasy setting - taking a trip somewhere special, kind of thing so that you are out of your routine?

During the childmaking phase of our marriage my husband's and my sex life was in the toilet, but it is much recovered now!

So whatever may be going on between the two of you, do not give up on your relationship if the only thing not working right now really is the sex drive for each other.
 
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