New guy - hello from Martin UK

bassman

New member
Hello all
New on here, I'm in the UK, am 52, married male, we have a little boy who I love to bits!
I am semi-professional, work for a big international company, and I travel delivering Technical IT training, studying for a Bsc (very part time!).
I have a small sailing boat, I like nature and the out doors, love spending time with son, 7 now.
Yes, I played the bass, hence the name!

I love to laugh, and like people generally.

So hi, go easy on me, I'm new, ok? :D:D:D
 
My situation is, been married for 11 years. Always had an interest in what other people are doing in their bedrooms. Have read loads of forums about people cheating, swinging, bi-curios couples etc. I really liked the idea of exploring sexually, and then I found out what "hot wife" means. I could see how this can work, and I really really liked the idea of my wife perhaps taking a lover.

But, :(, shes a traditionalist, a church goer, and plays the "immoral" label for anyone who has sex before they are married even!

A friend of mine, who is far away,(and is also a friend of my wife's) started flirting with me on IM. "Finally", I thought "Someone who understands me!". We had lots of fun on the phone, its was phone f*cking actually. She suggested I try it with my wife.
I tried it, it worked and our sex life took off! - I really got excited when my wife said she fancied this guy at work. She was apologetic, but I kept insisting I was excited!! I'd stumbled on Poly and the book "Ethical slut" by now.
I really got excited when she said "if you werent around (meaning deceased!), I'd jump his bones!"
I took her in my arms, and I tried to tell her in the nicest possible way "I wish you 2 would find a hotel and go and bonk each others brains out!". She's known the man for a good few years, and they have a good friendship, and I hope to meet him when next hes in town.
 
Meantime she started enjoying flirting, and I was enjoying being able to discuss with her, the nice looking women that are all around! It was wonderful! It was fantastic!
I began reading ethical slut, and I tried some of the ideas on her, but she's stuck in that traditionalist mindset.

So, I will try the gentle approach, and just wait and see.

I guess, from the above, you might jump to the conclusion I am looking for a "hot wife", but thats not the case. I want HER to enjoy sex, I want HER to enjoy opening her mind, I want HER to at least be able to fantasise about someone other than me. Its about her, not me!
 
Sounds like an interesting story. I have to say, I've also been excited thinking about if my partner had sex with another man. Haha! I'm also a bass player, so that's awesome. =] How long have you been playing? What styles do you enjoy playing most?

Welcome to the board! ^_^
 
It's a benefit of being poly that a couple can at least flirt with others, and openly check out hot people on the street, with little to no jealousy. I know some mono people can also achieve this openness, but it seems kind of rare.

Does your wife know you had phone sex with another woman? Did you tell her that, before you tried it with her?

In my book, having cyber or phone sex without one's primary being informed and cool with it, is cheating. Maybe others feel differently.
 
Sounds like an interesting story. I have to say, I've also been excited thinking about if my partner had sex with another man. Haha! I'm also a bass player, so that's awesome. =] How long have you been playing? What styles do you enjoy playing most?

Welcome to the board! ^_^

Hi there
Been playing for decades, lets see, around 35 years actually! Played everything - rock, blues, country, even barn dance, jazz, dinner dance, big band etc!

I think what I'd like to play now would be sort of smooth jazz - Bob James, Sade, etc.

Havent played much lately, I travel too much with work to make any sort of band commitment :-(
 
It's a benefit of being poly that a couple can at least flirt with others, and openly check out hot people on the street, with little to no jealousy. I know some mono people can also achieve this openness, but it seems kind of rare.

Does your wife know you had phone sex with another woman? Did you tell her that, before you tried it with her?

In my book, having cyber or phone sex without one's primary being informed and cool with it, is cheating. Maybe others feel differently.

Hi Magdlyn, my wife knows the woman, knows we flirt on the phone, but perhaps doesnt know all the details of exactly what was exchanged. So I suppose it was and wasnt (so its on the cheating scale somewhere I suppose, hopefully not up there with full sex?) it did do wonders for our sex life, and I'd really like her to enjoy that same experience, (with someone other than me).

We are stuck at the moment - we went to counselling at my suggestion. I thought I needed help to carefully open up about my sexual thoughts. The counsellor didnt seem that interested in me, and when she just gave me blank stare after I said "I'd like to share my sexual thoughts with my wife". I kinda confirmed that. The stupid counsellor didnt even turn up at the next meeting, so that just proved my suspicion.

Meantime I was on a roll! We bought some toys, books, DVD etc. But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

I mean she was not pleased when I sent her a picture of a MFM 3some. I thought she might enjoy that fantasy. But alas, it was a mistake, and the bedroom has gone back to boring for now.
 
But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

As you said, her talk about "immoral" stems from her religious beliefs. Right?

Are you religious as well?

I suppose I'm something like a naturalistic buddhist. In my view, there is no God up in the sky looking down and frowning on us because we like to relish in intimacy and sexual pleasure. Perhaps you could ask her questions about her religious views around sexuality which might help her reconsider some of them? Maybe ask her if God dislikes sexual pleasure. If He does, well, you could ask why God then made us so dang horny/sexy to begin with. Stuff like that.

One often can't reason at all with people who adhere to strong religious convictions. >sigh<
 
Hi Magdlyn, my wife knows the woman, knows we flirt on the phone, but perhaps doesnt know all the details of exactly what was exchanged. So I suppose it was and wasnt (so its on the cheating scale somewhere I suppose, hopefully not up there with full sex?) it did do wonders for our sex life, and I'd really like her to enjoy that same experience, (with someone other than me).

We are stuck at the moment - we went to counselling at my suggestion. I thought I needed help to carefully open up about my sexual thoughts. The counsellor didnt seem that interested in me, and when she just gave me blank stare after I said "I'd like to share my sexual thoughts with my wife". I kinda confirmed that. The stupid counsellor didnt even turn up at the next meeting, so that just proved my suspicion.

Meantime I was on a roll! We bought some toys, books, DVD etc. But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

I mean she was not pleased when I sent her a picture of a MFM 3some. I thought she might enjoy that fantasy. But alas, it was a mistake, and the bedroom has gone back to boring for now.
That's cool about the music, I'd love to play some Jazz band stuff. =]

It's unfortunate about you and your wife though. She certainly seems the strict mono type and anything that even she remotely thinks is you pushing her into poly, she'll push back with force. She may never fully come round to the idea.
 
As you said, her talk about "immoral" stems from her religious beliefs. Right?

Are you religious as well?

I suppose I'm something like a naturalistic buddhist. In my view, there is no God up in the sky looking down and frowning on us because we like to relish in intimacy and sexual pleasure. Perhaps you could ask her questions about her religious views around sexuality which might help her reconsider some of them? Maybe ask her if God dislikes sexual pleasure. If He does, well, you could ask why God then made us so dang horny/sexy to begin with. Stuff like that.

One often can't reason at all with people who adhere to strong religious convictions. >sigh<

Ive gone off the idea of religion completely I'm afraid, (its a long story, I could tell it if you like!) and you're right - I think thats where her attitude/s come from, shes a regular church go-er.
Ive tried to ask her about what exactly she believes / doesnt believe, but she's not ready for that - for example, I asked her if I'm really going to hell just for being born !!

No, I'm completely atheist - too me, most religions are superstitious nonsense.

And you're right - I struggle to reason with her on those topics.
 
That's cool about the music, I'd love to play some Jazz band stuff. =]

It's unfortunate about you and your wife though. She certainly seems the strict mono type and anything that even she remotely thinks is you pushing her into poly, she'll push back with force. She may never fully come round to the idea.

Best Jazz Band was a 19 piece! Horns and everything!!

Yeah, I know its early days, I mean I only read ethical slut a few months ago, so even I am new to lots of the thinking on here, which I am LOVING !!

And how great it is, to be able to share my thoughts here with like-minded people. Thanks in advance !!!
 
Hi Magdlyn, my wife knows the woman, knows we flirt on the phone, but perhaps doesnt know all the details of exactly what was exchanged. So I suppose it was and wasnt (so its on the cheating scale somewhere I suppose, hopefully not up there with full sex?) it did do wonders for our sex life, and I'd really like her to enjoy that same experience, (with someone other than me).

But your wife would see it as "fornication" and "adultery." You've got a tough row to hoe there... not sure someone so "Christian" could ever be open to taking another male lover. However, there is no condemnation of lesbian sex in the Bible... and technically, nothing wrong with a man having 2 "wives/concubines."

We are stuck at the moment - we went to counselling at my suggestion. I thought I needed help to carefully open up about my sexual thoughts. The counsellor didnt seem that interested in me, and when she just gave me blank stare after I said "I'd like to share my sexual thoughts with my wife". I kinda confirmed that. The stupid counsellor didnt even turn up at the next meeting, so that just proved my suspicion.

Yikes! There sure are some bad therapists out there. Similarly to you, after my ex and I opened our relationship, we lost our good therapist (she was open to poly, queer sex, homeschooling etc) due to us changing health insurance. When I told me new therapist I sometimes got crushes on others besides my husband, she told me married people "should not" get crushes. Needless to say I didn't go back to her again! Please keep looking for a better therapist, open to alternative ways of loving. They are out there.

Meantime I was on a roll! We bought some toys, books, DVD etc. But after my wifes comment on "immoral", Ive just hung back now - I realise I need to give her time to come round.

I mean she was not pleased when I sent her a picture of a MFM 3some. I thought she might enjoy that fantasy. But alas, it was a mistake, and the bedroom has gone back to boring for now.

Bummer!

No, I'm completely atheist - too me, most religions are superstitious nonsense.

And you're right - I struggle to reason with her on those topics.

That sounds like a huge disconnect. Personally I could never be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't share my spirituality or political views. Seems like a basic for being on the same page in approaches to living and loving (and voting, of course heh).
 
That sounds like a huge disconnect. Personally I could never be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't share my spirituality or political views. Seems like a basic for being on the same page in approaches to living and loving (and voting, of course heh).

Yup! My two sweeties are VERY compatible with me in these fundamental ways. And I with them. There's no way I could be in a serious relationship with
a person who was wildly different from me regards religion or life philosophy. Some difference is both fine and good. Radical, wild difference, not good.
 
But your wife would see it as "fornication" and "adultery." You've got a tough row to hoe there... not sure someone so "Christian" could ever be open to taking another male lover. However, there is no condemnation of lesbian sex in the Bible... and technically, nothing wrong with a man having 2 "wives/concubines."
Yes Magdlyn, whilst it was fun for me, I began to think if it was possible to have fun without hurting people, so I began to look around at swinger's sites, etc, which led me to "ethical slut", and to here! And I am soooo glad I found you guys!


Yikes! There sure are some bad therapists out there. Similarly to you, after my ex and I opened our relationship, we lost our good therapist (she was open to poly, queer sex, homeschooling etc) due to us changing health insurance. When I told me new therapist I sometimes got crushes on others besides my husband, she told me married people "should not" get crushes. Needless to say I didn't go back to her again! Please keep looking for a better therapist, open to alternative ways of loving. They are out there.

Originally wanted to go to a sex therapist, (we actually know one), but wife refused :-(


Yeah, its temporary, though. Today she was disapointed that an acquaintance didnt invite her to an Ann Summers party. So, she still interested :)

That sounds like a huge disconnect. Personally I could never be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't share my spirituality or political views. Seems like a basic for being on the same page in approaches to living and loving (and voting, of course heh).

Yeah, and I know its ME thats changed. When we met 13 years ago, I viewed the church as a harmless social club. But over the years Ive changed my view. This is another reason I suggested therapy, I wanted to get some help on what *I* could do to find a way co-exist with, what I feel, is the church running (and ruining) our lives.

I know one option is to leave, of course, but we have a 7 year old little boy, who I love sooooooo much!!! And we do have fun together as a family. ...so I cant very well just pack up and go?
 
Yup! My two sweeties are VERY compatible with me in these fundamental ways. And I with them. There's no way I could be in a serious relationship with
a person who was wildly different from me regards religion or life philosophy. Some difference is both fine and good. Radical, wild difference, not good.
Yes, its really tough for me. She has people over regularly that share the christian views that I think are brainwashed into them. I have to sit around, and listen to their nonsense, and out of politeness (i'm really a nice guy :D), I have to just remain silent.

Ive been getting better at being able to gently present a "different" viewpoint, without getting too outspoken, so thats good.

Being in the "think for yourself" camp, means, by its very nature, that others who think like me dont necessarliy attach ourselves to groups to have regular meetings :)
 
Originally wanted to go to a sex therapist, (we actually know one), but wife refused :-(

Gosh, a prudish fundie and an open minded horny atheist. Recipe for disaster!

Yeah, its temporary, though. Today she was disapointed that an acquaintance didnt invite her to an Ann Summers party. So, she still interested :)

I don't know who Ann Summers is. Do you mean she was wanting a male acquaintance to invite her to a party (just her, not with her husband)??


Yeah, and I know its ME thats changed. When we met 13 years ago, I viewed the church as a harmless social club. But over the years Ive changed my view. This is another reason I suggested therapy, I wanted to get some help on what *I* could do to find a way co-exist with, what I feel, is the church running (and ruining) our lives.

I know one option is to leave, of course, but we have a 7 year old little boy, who I love sooooooo much!!! And we do have fun together as a family. ...so I cant very well just pack up and go?

Hmmm... people do change and grow apart. I am the poster child for that. Met my ex at age 19 (him 21), lived together for 3 yrs, got married, separated after 30 years and 3 kids. We share spiritual and political beliefs, but grew apart in many other ways (I feel I grew more, gave more, and he stagnated in his neuroses [and our marriage counselor agreed!]).

I did kinda stick it out the last 10 yrs with him "for the kids" and for monetary reasons. I was a fulltime, homeschooling mom, we had a nice big house and yard, he made good money. So, I waited to break up til our kids were late teens/early 20s. Now I sometimes regret holding on those last 10 years though.
 
Ann Summers is a place over here to buy sex toys, lingerie, dvds etc.

Women have parties at their houses to sell this stuff. So it was a female friend who's invite she wanted. I'll do all I can to encourage that relationship!
 
It's a benefit of being poly that a couple can at least flirt with others, and openly check out hot people on the street, with little to no jealousy. I know some mono people can also achieve this openness, but it seems kind of rare.
Not that rare to me. My ex and I were like that, and a lot of people we knew in our circle (all straight mono couples, openly flirty with others and "bringing it home"). But we also were part of a large group that used to take lots of relationship and communication workshops, so we weren't really all that uptight about certain things (within our mono world). We just considered it a sign of maturity and acceptance.
 
Not that rare to me. My ex and I were like that, and a lot of people we knew in our circle (all straight mono couples, openly flirty with others and "bringing it home"). But we also were part of a large group that used to take lots of relationship and communication workshops, so we weren't really all that uptight about certain things (within our mono world). We just considered it a sign of maturity and acceptance.

wife and I reached this very enjoyable plateau about 2 months ago. It was fun, and she was even sure to flash her cleavage, legs and panties around for attention, which I LOVED. And I could tell her my filthy fantasies involving all the lovely ladies around :D

We've back tracked now, :( but I hope we can get to that point again one of these days.
 
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