Idealist Poly Blog

Idealist - I hope you have a great time! It sounds exciting - what a brave step you are taking for yourself!

I am very intrigued about this and can't wait to hear how it turns out!

:) Kat
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 25- MY FIRST DATE WITH A COUPLE- part 2

Okay....it was the perfect first date with a couple!!! :D

Turns out, the guy's office is right next door to my business! And he and I have worked for the same company in the past. Right after I left, he started working there. I was there for 8 years and he was there for 12 years, so we know a whole lot of the same people!!

She is an introvert and he an extrovert. They have been living an open lifestyle for about 4 years. It doesn't sound like they have had a lot of drama. They only told one story about getting to know a couple for a year before becoming sexual. When the guy from the other couple claimed his wife was "ready" for a sexual encounter, this couple gently began to become intimate with her and she basically lost it and stormed out of the house followed by her husband. :rolleyes:

I told them that this was my first official date with a couple. They seemed pleased and seemed to believe that they are in fact the perfect "first couple" for me!! She shared that their first date with another couple was perfect for her!

We had dinner and one drink each. We talked as if we have known each other all our lives. Then, we went to their house for about an hour. He took photos of she and I sitting on the sofa. She sat close to me, so I put my arm around her and we put our heads together to pose. She smelled nice and her hair is beautiful and thick....which I told her!!! I took the liberty to play with her hair which she seemed to enjoy. I will post that photo to my album!!

That's it for now!! I'm happy. I feel very peaceful tonight and as if I am understood. I don't feel so isolated!!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 26- best night ever!!

Wow……OMG. I just had one of the most incredible nights of my life and I owe it partially to this group. I owe it to myself too and to Charles and Richard. But reading posts on this forum has helped me to realize that I deserve as much love as I can experience and I deserve to share that love. I have also realized and come to accept that the people I love might be able and willing to share me and share a love with each other in their own way.
If it wasn’t for the people on this forum, I would never have made the request of Richard and Charles that I made of them last night.
Let me start from the beginning.

Richard and I decided to have a few couples over to my house for dinner, dancing and fun! Charles was already over here helping me with things around the house. Holland (Charles’s primary partner) has been having a hard time dealing with the poly lifestyle, so we all agreed that we didn’t want to invite her. We did want Charles to stay, however. He told Holland about the party and that he wanted to stay for the party. She said “okay” but didn’t ask if she could attend, so we just left it like that. This morning he told her all about it and I sent photos for her to look at. He said she was okay with everything. I think she just needs some time and a bit of distance from things so she can deal with things at her own pace. (We have decided not to hold up things for the slowest person.)

Anyway….the party was great fun. I had an opportunity to have casual sex with a man I had just met and I turned it down because I wasn’t interested in it. But that’s another discussion and I’ll post about it elsewhere.
So- the evening ended and it was back to me, Richard and Charles. We all cleaned up the kitchen and talked for over an hour about what all had transpired at the party.

It was getting time to go to bed and the question was in the air of who would sleep with me and who would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no answer for that in my mind. I wasn’t comfortable with one of them being in the guest bedroom and probably wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing one of them was in there and one with me.

So- I asked if we could all sleep in my bedroom. They both know how picky I am about having the left side of the bed where I have my lamp, clock, book, water, earplugs etc. So- the question they both had was “Who would sleep where” so I said “Me in the middle, of course!”

I said “If anyone wakes up with a hard on, please insert it”….. OMG…..It took me about 45 minutes to get to sleep while I held my earplugs in my hand and listened to each of them snore in their own way! I was so happy and just thrilled. For a while there I was scared I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all due to the excitement of having them there with me. They get along so good too and enjoy each other’s company so much! Charles did wake me up and oblige my request and then we went back to sleep.

We woke up and Richard asked if I remembered how to make the homemade waffles we used to make (back in the days when we were in a monogamous relationship and spent a lot of time together). I said- sure but we needed a few items. Charles volunteered to go to the grocery store. It’s quite a production, but they sat at the bar and we talked and shared and laughed while I made the waffles. The last 3 waffles are always the best, so I made a whole batch, but waited until the end before serving the perfect waffles which were crispy on the outside, but very soft…they just melted in your mouth! It was awesome to be able to share the morning with them after a night with them!!

So……for those who have shared that you made a request of your lovers to sleep in the same bed with you (even if it was only for one night)- Thanks for helping me understand it’s okay.

And, for those of you who haven’t realized it may be okay to ask for something like this, I say- it is possible!!! And it's awesome!!! Go for it if you can!!!
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 27- classic menage a trois

Well, the most unexpected thing happened last night. I’m still trying to process how I feel about it. Charles asked me this morning and I said “I need some time to process how I feel” The main feeling I have is surprise. I wasn’t expecting it at all, so it caught me off guard. I like feeling that I’m in control of everything- not only myself, but everyone around me. I work on that and try not to do it, but it’s my nature. When someone behaves in a very different manner than what I’m expected, it throws me off.

I have struggled with this relationship with Holland because I find her relationship with Charles to be dysfunctional. But….nevertheless (because I care about Charles and I want him in my life) I asked Charles and Holland if they would like to spend the night at my house last night so we could start getting ready for a party I’m having tonight. I thought we could cook some Lasagna and start re-arranging the furniture……I want to create a dance floor in the living room. Also, they got me a really nice used foosball table and I wanted to set it up in the house.

So- they said “sure” and came over. Before you know it, they were playing around on the sofa and Holland said “Come here- I want you over here with us. I know this is what the two of you have been wanting, so get over here.” Well, there wasn’t room on the sofa for all of us, so I said let’s go in the bedroom. We did and ended up having a wonderful love making session between the three of us before going to sleep and again this morning.
It’s just something I was not expecting, so I guess I’m still in shock. There is a chance now that the two of them with me and Richard can have some type of quad relationship since Holland and Richard have already been intimate a few times.

I wanted to post this and now I will start cleaning house and getting things ready for tonight. They went to her Dad’s house to celebrate Father’s day early. They’ll be back later to help get ready for the party. Richard will be here as well as two other couples tonight.

I had mentioned on a prior post that I ran into some business associates (a married couple) at a club one night and found out that they are in a relationship with another couple. Well, I called the couple that I know and invited them to the party tonight. I always liked this couple when we were working together. So they are coming as well as the couple I went out with and talked about on my 25th blog post!!
So, life is just too exciting for me right now……I am lost for words as to how I feel, but I will be able to share more after this evening’s party and after having a few days to process things.

Thanks to all who continue to read my blog. Although I have only been "out" as poly for 3 or 4 months, I have really taken to the lifestyle as if I have been working towards this all my life. I am happy to offer support to anyone who is struggling with poly issues…..please reply to this entry or send me a private message if you would like to communicate.
 
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warning - sarcasm alert
Sounds like you could be heading to an octoupling :D..
end sarcasm

Thats great idealist. As usual and inspiration. I love reading your posts
 
Sounds like you could be heading to an octoupling :D..

Hahahaha.....that's hilarious!!

Well....it didn't go exactly like I would have hoped (with the 4 couples) but in general, it was a good experience. I did get to spend some quality time with one couple that I like a lot. They are professional people. Very attractive. And interesting.....fun to talk to and I really enjoyed dancing and flirting with both of them! They had a lot of questions for me. I liked the questions which (to me) indicated a real interest.

There was only one drama which was very uncomfortable for me and actually unacceptable, so it has made me really sit down and talk to myself!! :confused:

Who is the me that has to talk and who is the myself that needs to listen?? Crazy. But- I have to do some serious talking to myself. I will do that in my next post.

Thanks for being there Ari and commenting on my blog!
 
Thank you for your honesty and for just showing me that what I feel and experience is not all different. I am in a poly relationship for two years and I really enjoy it. We have our moments like any relationship does but I am very happy to be here with them. So Thanks for your openness :)
 
wow, what an experience it is to read your blog from beginning to end! Just fantastic. I look forward to hearing more. Inspiring and revelatory!

Immaterial
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 28- We have met twelve couples in the last 3 weeks.

It has been a while since I have written, so I have a lot of catching up to do!! This will truly make your head spin and I can’t believe I’m living through this right now!!!.....so here goes.

Richard and I decided to spend some time and energy pursuing other couples in order to find some new friends for socializing and emotional connections which can evolve into sexual relationships.

We joined an online dating site for swingers on June 1st. We made it clear on our profile that we are looking for more than just recreational sex. We desire new friends and social companions also.

We weren’t getting the type of response that we were hoping for, but we did meet 2 couples from that site, which I did share about already. We are still in touch with one of the couples and then we changed to another site on June 14th.

We had two “play parties” at my house. There were 8 people at each one. I had an opportunity to have “casual sex” (whatever that is LOL) but turned it down.

Then, on June 14th, we joined a different site and we have already been on 10 first dates with 10 different couples from that site. Plus we attended a Pool Party that we were invited to and it was fun as we ended up with about 20 people naked in the pool!!!

This is a breakdown of the couples we’ve met. The male’s initial will be given first.

G&L- drove in to attend a party at my house consisting of 7 people. L and Richard ended up having sex with each other, but everyone else just stayed with the person they had come with…..all in the same room.

M&C- I met them for dinner on a week night and then they attended a party at my house attended by 8 people. C and Richard along with two other guests went into the GBR to play while me and the remaining guests socialized in the LR.

B&C- attended the above mentioned party. I socialized with them and we talked about possibly getting together sometime.

M&S- one Friday night, Richard and I met them for drinks. There was an immediate attraction between Richard and S, but I didn’t feel as much attraction for M. M has been contacting me and trying to develop a friendship with me which I appreciate because it may affect my attraction to him. The only thing is that S in straight, and I started thinking that maybe we shouldn’t even be meeting any couples where the female is straight because I am bi and really wanting that female on female intimacy.

L&T. We went to N.O. and met L&T briefly for a drink. I was fairly attracted to both of them, but Richard wasn’t attracted to her. She wasn’t attracted to him either. They had other friends meeting them there anyway, so we moved on.

L&J That evening, we met L&J. I was very attracted to both of them. But, she and Richard didn’t have an attraction for one another. And again, she is straight, so she had no interest in me. That leaves a major attraction between me and L which will probably never result in anything because of the lack of interest between Richard and J.

C&K. While in N.O., we met C&K. I was attracted to both of them, Richard was attracted to her and she seemed to be attracted to me…..so, we’ll see if we can meet up with them again!!

D&L. Then, I met with D&L for dinner on a week night to get acquainted. I was somewhat attracted to D, but not L. But, they invited me and Richard to a pool party on Saturday and we decided to go.

A girlfriend called and asked if I wanted to meet her out. So- I went from the dinner with D&L and met Sandy at a dance club. I had been thinking about how 3 months ago I had access to 4 male lovers and now I don’t seem to have any. Steven lives 1,000 miles away. John decided he wants a monogamous partner, so we aren’t speaking any more. Charles is with Holland now almost exclusively- so he’s no longer available and Richard is only available- basically on Friday and Saturday nights because he’s working out of town. Richard has a female partner where he’s living out of town. She hasn’t had a partner in over 10 years, so he is having a lot of sex with her. Basically, I’m suddenly needing a guy….I’m thinking this when I walk into the club and see this guy that I’ve known for a while (Jacob), but we’ve never dated. I am and have been VERY attracted to him. I walk right up to him, ask him if he’s with anyone. He says NO. I ask if he’s in a relationship. He says NO. So I say “Do you want to come home with me tonight?” He says YES. Apparently he hasn’t had sex in 3 months. OMG…it was great….. SO…..this was the first time I have had sex with a person that I am not emotionally involved with in 24 years!!!! And I feel really good about it!!! We have plans to get together again tomorrow night….a week later!! He is only the 8th guy I’ve had sex with in 24 years.

M&D- On Friday night, we went to dinner with M&D. There didn’t seem to be much sexual attraction at all between any of us, but we had a great time….felt like we had known them for years and might see them again. Sometimes an attraction does come up later....and they were people we would like to have as friends.

M&L- on Saturday night, we went to the pool party. Richard was occupied, while I befriended M&L, but especially L in the pool. I was very attracted to her and she seemed to be really enjoying me too. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to M, but I liked him okay. They expressed that they would like to go out for dinner. I later found out that she is not attracted to Richard. So- I have asked if they would like to see me alone. We have tentative plans to meet next week.

K&P- also in the pool, we met K&P. me and P played in the pool for quite a while. She is super sexy. Then, Richard came back into the pool and swept P away. At that point, K and I played for quite a while. There was definitely a physical attraction between Richard and P. Between me and P and between me and K. The only thing about them is that I didn’t really like P as a person…..she didn’t seem to be a person I would like to spend more time with. Physical attraction is great, but if there is no emotional connection, what do you have??

T&G drove in from out of town to meet us for dinner and a fireworks show. Richard and G had an attraction as well as me and G. I had a small amount of attraction for T. After dinner and drinks, she and I decided that we would go up to their room and that she and I would play for a while with the guys watching us and just see what happened. They guys actually seemed quite content just watching us, but we did eventually ask them to join us.

So- the discussions about casual sex is coming up for me now in a big way. Because, you could call this last encounter casual sex. But, the reasons why I am okay with it are various. Richard had a connection with her. They liked each other. I came to like and enjoy the guy. As a foursome, there seemed to be a good bit of compatibility. She and I really connected sexually and we both really enjoyed the intimacy with each other. It seemed to be a need that she had just as I have that need for female closeness. This is a relationship that we would like to pursue. So- I guess it’s not considered “casual sex” because there is an interest in future interactions, dates etc.

Now- the sexual interaction with Jacob…..would that be casual sex? Maybe….but I do intend on having a continuing sexual relationship with him. I am open to developing an emotional connection with him if it happens. But, maybe I’m just using him….. I need a male sexual partner. Also- I am going to ask him if he would be willing to meet some of these couples that we have met where everything was good, except the woman wasn’t attracted to Richard.

So- I said at the beginning that it would make your head spin….. I can’t believe I am living through all of this right now…….but I feel good about it so far…… I know some people might feel that it's too much too soon, but I tend to do things like that and then things eventually stabalize out after a while....so, I'm going with it.
 
haha, how wonderful, what a whirlwind. Blessings to you on all of these fantastic adventures. I don't know how you are keeping track of it all. It's like a hurricane of new experiences.

Can't wait to hear more,

Immaterial
 
I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...:) :p

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.
 
haha, how wonderful, what a whirlwind. Blessings to you on all of these fantastic adventures. I don't know how you are keeping track of it all. It's like a hurricane of new experiences.

Can't wait to hear more,

Immaterial

Hahaha.....yeah, whirlwind and hurricane kinda' expresses it! But, here's the thing....I only work about 20 hours a week. I have no kids, grandkids, neices or nephews. My home is new, so it doesn't need any maintenance. I spend from Sunday afternoon until Thursday evening alone quietly at home, doing housework, listening to music, doing yoga, walking in the neighborhood, etc. That part of my life is very serene. Then.....just as I'm getting bored.....the fun starts on Thursday evening and builds until Sunday afternoon or evening. It's quite an amazing cycle! Very managable so far!! I would highly suggest it to anyone who has the inclination!!
 
I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...:) :p

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.

Thanks....compartmentalization helps me process things. When I was younger (in my 20's) I acted out sexually in an effort to deny my thoughts and feelings. I would feel shame about my behavior, and then need to do more drinking and acting out to block out the shame. It was a vicious cycle. I am trying to move through this current process with complete awareness of my thoughts and feelings. Remaining authentic to myself, I meditate and spend time alone so that I can be very aware of the inner dynamics. ALL of the people we have met are down-to-earth professional Southerners (like me) with no drama....easy going, friendly, pleasant....responsible, but able to take a break for enjoyment. It's quite fascinating actually.
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 29- In a good place!!

Well, I’ve had a fairly relaxing month (compared to the two months prior to this one) and am finally taking some time to update my blog!!

After the two month whirlwind of meeting new people, Richard and I decided to take a break and spend some time processing everything. We have not even talked to each other about our thoughts and feelings. We’ve known each other so long and since we do not consider ourselves to be in a “primary” relationship, but we do consider our relationship to be “long term” we have taken a break from one another but without negative feelings. For us, it works best that way. We will be spending some quality time together this weekend and we will share with each other then.

Part of the decision to step back was due to the fact that Richard was feeling overwhelmed! And, I totally get that! But now, after so much time has passed and we haven’t even seen each other, or done anything fun together, we are ready to spend the weekend together.

One of my distractions was Jacob. I’ve been seeing him about once a week since running into him over a month ago. I like him a lot and got into an infatuation for him which I have enjoyed. I like to enjoy the infatuation and NRE for a while even though I understand it for exactly what it is and I understand how it is just temporary and not reality at all!! :cool: But, I have so enjoyed it and now I’m ready to put that down too!! Get back into reality so to speak.

So- as it stands now, I am in love with 5 men. John, Steven, Richard, Charles and Jacob. It might just be infatuation for Jacob….only time will tell, but for the rest of them, it is love.

John had decided that he wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle so we quit seeing each other, but we finally talked yesterday after about 4 months of no contact and we may get together for a weekend in September! John is my rock and foundation. We are opposites when it comes to personality, but we have amazing chemistry and there is just something there that keeps us coming back to each other!

Steven sent me a message today telling me that he has a deep love for me!! He lives 1,000 miles away, so we don’t see each other very often nor do we communicate much, but our connection has never weakened. When we talk or see each other, we feel as if no time has passed since our last meeting!!

I will spend the weekend with Richard and I am so looking forward to it. He and I have a deep emotional connection. We talked this morning and he said I could contact one of the couples we met and see if they would like to get together with us this weekend!

I was able to spend a few hours with Charles yesterday. He is still with Holland and seems to be fairly happy. He is making some adjustments in his life with the goal of having more independence, so maybe I will get to spend some time with him in the future. We have not been able to spend any quality time together for quite a while, but that’s okay…..I’ve been focusing on Jacob.

Jacob has captured me and I’ve been infatuated with him. I find, however, that all it takes is some time apart and I begin to get clear headed!!

So- for myself- I’m focusing on as much quality relating to my main guys. And for me and Richard, we will begin to focus on developing deeper connections with some of the couples we met on our whirlwind dating spree!!

If this still seems like too much to some, I can say that I understand how it would be too much for some people....and maybe most people. But, from my perspective, I have never been married; have no children and I have no nieces or nephews. I do not really connect with my parents or siblings. So- these relationships are not only providing loving partners for me, but also satisfying the spaces I have open for family members that either don't exist or don't fulfill me.

I do not feel overwhelmed in the least bit by being in love with 5 men. I feel very satisfied and capable of maintaining these relationships long term.....for the rest of my life in fact. :)
 
And I thought that I had scheduling challenges.

Hahaha....but I don't have any scheduling challenges!! That's what's really neat about my situation. I have the time available and my guys have their own lives so they are not depending on more from me than what I have available. It just works out!!!......
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 30- rambling

I'm just going to ramble here. I haven't planned what I'm going to say, so I hope it isn't too disjointed!!

I'm still infatuated with Jacob and we're supposed to spend time together on Sunday. It's been almost a month since we've spent any time together. We had plans one Tuesday night, but he didn't show up. Called me later and gave an excuse that sounded realistic. But, it made me realize that I am WAY more into him than he is into me. So, I've tried to withdraw emotionally as much as possible. He has still been contacting me, so we'll see how Sunday goes. He considers himself to be "short term" in my life which is one of the reasons why I have been spending time with Richard and Charles since they consider themselves to be "long term" in my life.

Last weekend, Charles was helping me with some home maintenance at my house, so he was staying here. I went ahead and invited Holland to come over too. It had been almost 4 months since I had seen her. Everything went well. We didn't have any sexual activity. Richard came and stayed a few nights too. Everything went great and it was a very enjoyable weekend!!!

Richard and I had two dates with married couples. The one we met on Friday night is freaking me out. They have been married for 33 years and he has never been sexual with anyone but his wife. He has been wanting to open their relationship up. They found us on the site we are on and we met them. She wanted to get a hotel room that night, but we told her she wasn't ready. I've talked to them on the phone several times since then and they want me to be the first person they are sexual with. I'm pretty hesitant and have just spent a lot of time talking with them at length and educating them on swinging verses poly etc. I was pretty overwhelmed at first by their desire to have me as their first one......

Then, on Saturday night, we had a date with a couple that lives about 2 hours away. They drove in on their motorcycle and we had a nice evening...we went out to eat and then to hear a live band and had fun dancing!!! They drove home that night, but we have plans to meet them again the beginning of September. They will drive in and stay at my house and we'll all go out.

We have met about 14 couples in the last 4 months and this is the first couple that we really feel good about having a mutual compatibility with.

You just never know!!! I didn't expect to like this dude so much!!! The lesson in this whole process for me is- you can think as much as you want about how you are going to feel when meeting another poly person or couple, but you can't know for sure until you actually meet them.

Also- you can think and talk....think and talk.....think and talk until you're blue in the face.....and that's good. But....you can think and talk too much. There comes a point where you just have to get out there and meet people. Because- mark my words.....you will be surprised about how you are going to respond or react to any person or people you meet and to any given situation. And each situation is different and all people are completely unique!! So- my advice for anyone reading this is.....

Just let go. Keep your wits about you, but let go of your expectations and just enjoy each person that you meet. Life is good!!!
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 31- update from last weekend

Went out with Richard Saturday night, and he spent the night......we made love......talked.....laughed.....I sang while he played guitar. We spent most of the day on Sunday together.

Then, I met up with Jacob on Sunday early evening. We went out to eat and then came to my house.....made love....talked.....and enjoyed each other's company.

Then on Monday, Charles came over to help me with some home maintenance and we ended up getting in the Jacuzzi and then making love....talking....laughing and enjoying ourselves.

It's amazing to think that I made love to three of my lovers three days in a row....one after another. And- I've gotten so accustomed to this lifestyle that in each situation I was totally present with the guy I was with. This does not feel awkward or unnatural to me at all!!

There was a moment when I was with Jacob. I was giving him a full body massage and started with him on his stomach. The back of his head looked like Richard's and it was weird for a minute....I had to remember that it was not Richard. But other than that- I was completely engaged in the moment with each guy.

The experiences with each guy is so totally different. Richard was in a rare "needy" place because he had a bad week at work. He wanted to hear me say that I love him. He knew he was doing it....he said- I know I'm really needy right now, but I thought it was cool that he could say that and ask for what he needed. Making love with him was very easy and natural. We've known one another 7 years, so there is a definite comfort in our sexual expression with one another. He was unusually aroused Saturday night and I enjoyed that!!

Jacob had asked for a massage when we were at dinner. I was glad he did because so far, our sexual relationship has been all about him pleasing me and my efforts to be more dominant or more giving towards him has not gone too far. He is a very confident lover and really takes his time which is so enjoyable for me. I would say that as far a sexual pleasure goes, he is the best lover I have ever had. And Sunday evening was by far one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

After the massage, he was more aroused than usual and we’ve gotten used to one another, so it was very enjoyable. I really like him, not only because of the great sexual connection, but because he is an INFJ and I can really relate to him mentally and emotionally. He is very conservative though and although he knows I have other lovers, he claims that when he is in love with someone, he would never be willing to share them. He also claims that he wants a monogamous relationship. So- in order for me to continue to see him, I have to accept that he is "short term" until he meets someone that he wants to be involved with.

For now, I am willing to do that because I enjoy him so much on so many levels and I am infatuated with him now....meaning that I'm experiencing NRE big time!!! Since he’s already been single for 7 years and has not found anyone to be in a committed monogamous relationship with, I’m betting that he won’t find anyone any time soon.

I told him that if he does find someone, I will gladly step back and let him pursue it with my full blessings. But- at the same time, I desire a long term relationship with him and I told him that too.

Charles and I weren't planning on being sexual, but it just happened and he was really turned on and basically f*cked me which seemed to be exactly what I wanted and needed!!!

I spoke with John on the phone Sunday and was surprised at what he shared with me. Come to find out, after all these years, he has been withholding some of his feelings from me. Apparently he talked to a therapist about it and realized that he needed to come clean with me. We have been talking about meeting in Dallas for a Festival in September. The discussions about seeing each other again has led to lots of discussions and during those discussions, he admitted that he has been uncomfortable with my bisexuality ever since he’s known me (about 11 years). We dated monogamously for 3 years and then 1 ½ year. Why did this never come up before?? I guess what brought it up now is the fact that I have decided to act out on my bisexuality and he is uncomfortable with that.

So- I think its best that we not make the trip in September, because I need to process this. I think one of the reasons he didn’t share it is because he didn’t want to come off as judgmental. I really don’t think he looks down on me for being bisexual or for wanting to act out on it; but as a result of not telling me, I have openly expressed my attraction to women while in his presence all these years and it has made him uncomfortable the whole time.
It’s just not a good time to get together, I guess since I am glad to be finally expressing myself in a more authentic way but would have to stifle some of myself while with him.

He did tell me he loves me and I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually said that to me……..

On Sunday, Richard was emotionally needy, so he was expressing his love for me a lot!! Then, in that phone call with John- he told me he loves me…..and he hardly never says it. Then….today, Charles called and said “I think I love you.”

So- I guess the conclusion for me right now, for myself, is to be as authentic as I can....be honest and open. Feel free to love anyone as much as I want to and express that love!!

Richard and I have a 2nd date with a couple we met two weeks ago. We will spend time with them on Labor Day weekend. I am looking forward to that!! This weekend will be low key- or at least that's the plan :cool:
 
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Idealist Poly Blog Part 32- Swinging verses Polyamory

This is something I wrote after a lot of research and my own experiences within the last year. Richard and I have met and interacted with 14 couples in the last 4 months. Some of those meetings became sexual, some did not. Please give me any feedback you may have!!!

Now that we are meeting people on an online “swinging” site, I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between polyamory and swinging. It seems to me that the two lifestyles actually overlap quite a bit.

A lot of polyamorous people feel the need to say “We are NOT swingers” and within the polyamory community- swingers are at times frowned upon. I find this interesting because in my experience so far, there are more similarities than differences between the two lifestyles. The main similarity is that they are both a way to live an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.

Responsible Non-Monogamy is about responsibility to one's partners and to agreements that one has with them, especially with your primary relationship. Responsible means honesty in communications, not cheating, as well as being responsible for protecting against pregnancy or STD's. It means both being responsible for saying no if you don't want to do something and the responsibility to respect the desires of your various partners.

The primary emphasis of polyamory is about loving relationships with more than one other partner. The primary emphasis of swinging is "casual, non emotional sex."

The difference between traditional swinging and polyamory is the word "love" (amory). The attitude of Polyamory is about seeking long-term lasting loving relationships that unlike most of our regular friends can also include wonderful sexual pleasure sharing.

But- you could also say that if two people want to share sensual or sexual pleasure as two wonderful human souls for the moment it can be very loving, even if it’s just for a one time pleasure sharing experience which may or may not result in a long term connection.

Another obvious difference is that swinging is not about personal sex, which is what a couple has in their own, private, one-on-one relationship. It is instead, about recreational friendly sex. Swinging is about trying to protect the primary relationships by avoiding emotional involvement with other partners which is seen as a potential risk.

Many swingers are really looking for polyamory, but since swing clubs and swing publications are far more numerous than polyamory, many people looking for real relationships identify with swingers but seek more than what traditional swinging offers. This is especially true of couples who only want to meet other couples for a more meaningful relationship that may include picnics and non sexual activities with the entire family.

One big benefit for people exploring responsible, non-monogamy has been that it forces us into in "conscious relating" especially to our primary relationship or spouse, based on honesty not just the usual "assumptive relationships". Too often in relationships, little honest communication takes place about jealousy for example. This is because these ideas are never challenged in traditional monogamous relationships until cheating occurs which is often devastating to the relationship. Open relationships force couples to deal with these issues and be conscious of them instead of just assuming the other will never have an interest in anyone else. Many couples tell me, by dealing with these issues honestly, it has made their relationship much stronger.

Both swinging and polyamory can be dangerous to your prime relationship if your relationship is not built on a firm foundation of true love and honest communications. In polyamory, you may have all equal relationships or you may have a primary and other secondary relationships. Open relationships magnify existing conditions within a relationship. If trust, love, commitment and openness exist, then the relationship is usually further strengthened by either lifestyle. If, however, there is jealousy, insecurity and lack of honest communications, these problems will be painfully magnified in an open lifestyle.

Working through these problems, however, in an open lifestyle, can help all aspects of the relationship, since issues may come up that are never dealt with otherwise. Sometimes relationships break up because of these issues. But that may even be good, since it uncovered problems that may have eventually doomed the relationship anyway.

Women, typically but not always, are the most reluctant to explore open relationships, however, once exposed to loving intimacy and perhaps sexual variety in safe, caring groups, they often become the strongest supporters of the lifestyle. The joke in swinging is that it’s the man who drags the woman into the lifestyle and also the man who has to drag her away from the swing club. Ironically, it is often the man who has to potential to become more possessive and jealous.

Both polyamory and swinging are optional lifestyles for bisexual women. Whether swingers or poly-couples, many couples primarily seek other couples. They often want to relate as couple friends not just sex buddies. A lot of the couples we have encountered have a bi female in them which seems to suggest that these lifestyles offer a way for the bisexual woman to find satisfaction for her sexual orientation without abandoning or damaging her primary heterosexual relationship.

Both polyamory and swinging lifestyles require a great amount of communication between the primary couple. The couple must set boundaries and become clear about what they are expecting from the experience. Those expectations must be adjusted regularly since it is difficult to know how each person will be affected by each interaction with another person or couple. Remaining aware of your thoughts and feelings and updating your level of expectation regularly is a great help. Communicating these things to each other and the individuals, couple or couples you are interacting with is crucial and very helpful so that everyone is on the same page or at least able to honor the desires and boundaries of one another.
 
Idealist Poly Blog Part 33- this weekend

I am really excited about tomorrow evening!
Richard and I met a couple (I'll call them Monica and Donald) several weeks ago. They live about 2 hours a way, so they drove in on their motorcycle!! We met at a restaurant, had dinner and then went to a casual club located on a river. There was a live band so we danced etc. They drove home and we went home, so nothing sexual happened that night.

I was attracted to Monica and Donald. Richard was attracted to Monica. It seemed that Donald and I had a lot of good chemistry as we flirted and danced together. Richard wasn't sure if Monica was attracted to him or not, and I wasn't sure if she was attracted to me or not, so we just had to wait to see if they would be interested in seeing us again.

Well- tomorrow afternoon, they are driving to my house. Richard and I will be preparing a meal for them!! (boiled shrimp, grilled salmon, sweet potatoes and asparagus) They will spend the night and we'll have breakfast the next morning (home-made waffles).

Funny thing has happened.....I have been struggling with a bladder infection!!! So- I was thinking....I don't know if I'm even going to be interested in getting sexual. So- today Monica called and said Donald was cutting grass...apparently they have a lot of property. And he had to pee- which he did- out on the property. well- seems he got poison ivy on his penis!! :eek:

They wanted to know if we still wanted them to come. As she mentioned (and I already knew) some swingers are so hard core that they would cancel a date if it was known that there would not be a "full swap" situation going on.

So- I told her that we want to get to know them and hang around with them regardless of whether we were able to be sexual with them or not.

So- they are coming and we are really excited because this is the first couple (after meeting 14 couples in the last 4 months) that we feel a mutual compatibility and attraction all the way around with !!!

Wish us luck!!! :)
 
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