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Old 02-03-2013, 06:42 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by peacefulpiggy View Post
Hi, I'm new here, and hoping I can tap into some collective experience here, as my partner and I are quite new to this.
This IS kind of a "seen it all" sort of place XD

I'm a 35 yr old male - girlfriend (26 yrs) and I have been together for 2 years. We have a solid foundation, and only decided to explore the open-relationship angle relatively recently.

It started when she met a guy at a regular event she goes to, and confessed to me that she had a bit of a crush on him. I encouraged her to pursue it further, and she did. The third party agreed to this, knowing the deal (my girlfriend and I are primary partners and he would be a casual dating thing).

The sex wasn't that great, so after a few weeks she decided that she probably shouldn't keep engaging him sexually. However, he soon after confessed to her that he really had deep feelings for her, and didn't want to have sex with her unless she committed to him and him alone (she hadn't yet told him that she probably was going to end the sexual element of the relationship).
Red flag #1

On our end, we have been having some issues (I need to work on being more romantic and less controlling). We both agree that these are valid issues and want to work on them.
Blue flag! (I dunno, what's the opposite of a red flag?)

However, our concern (and we have discussed this openly) is that her romantic attraction towards him will prevent us from giving it a genuine chance. Right now she is torn between deciding between the both of us. Keep in mind she has not had sex with him at all for a few months. I feel that him refusing to have sex with her may be partially driving the intensity of her feelings.
Well, dafuq? Does she want an open relationship or doesn't she? You probably should work through your own issues first before bringing Secundus Mentula into the picture.

The other guy sounds kind of dickish; he wants the cake that was supposed to be shared all to himself once he tried it. He needs it 'splained to him that "open relationship" is not code for "try before you buy."

I guess in a nutshell, our question is whether it is possible for her to "get over" her romantic attraction to this other guy, or whether this is a fatal situation (fatal for us, not for them obviously).
If they keep seeing each other, yeah but it'll take longer. Oxytocin bonds are pretty tough to break, even bad sex still produces it. If she stops seeing him completely it'll be quicker.

My instincts are that if we really want to give this a shot, she needs to stop seeing him, but we both agreed that we need to seek advice elsewhere as this is uncharted territory for the both of us.
Good instincts, that's probably the wisest choice.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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