A few words on prejudice

MoonElf

New member
Hey all.
As someone who only recently came out of the poly closet (kind of forced out, actually) I've been experiencing a lot of prejudice, gossip and "slut shaming".
Fortunatly I have an awesome family and a few amazing friends and so far this didn't have a too much of a negative impact on my day-to-day life (despite being hurtful to me and my partners)

I'd love to know if this is something everybody has experienced, how do you guys deal with it, exchange a few tales and create a discussion, in general, about it.

I'll start with the three things I hear a lot (too much) about poly.
That this would only work on theory.
That I only say this because I didn't find the right person. (To which I respond: I did. I found two of them.)
That I don't understand ou have experienced "True Love" (This last one is really hurtfull for me.)

People also assume that since i'm too young (I'm in my early 20's) I'll eventually change my mind. "I'm too young to have really loved anyone", etc.

So what about you guys? Have you experienced/still experience prejudice? Are you still in closet in fear of it?
 
You have a supportive family, and supportive friends and that is a blessing.

What strangers think or comment on -- that's more a reflection of their own beliefs than YOUR beliefs.

I find the easiest answer to be "Ok." Check it out:

"That would only work on theory."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You only say this because you didn't find the right person."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You don't understand-- you have not experienced "True Love."
"Ok. (Tada. End of conversation.)

"You are too young. You will eventually change your mind."
"Ok." (Tada. End of conversation.)


Have I experienced weird? Sure. That's why my fav button is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you." I've been hit on inappropriately -- because the person assumes that since I am poly I certainly must be promiscuous. But just because I'm poly doesn't mean I want to be poly with YOU. YKWIM?

I'm not shouting from the streets -- but I lead my life how I want. Right now we present as very "June and Ward Cleaver."

The "you are too young to know your own mind yet" thing? That one burned me the most in my 20's.

But guess what? The answer to that one is "Don't worry. I'll outgrow it."

I outgrew being "too young" and folks had to come up with some other reason for why I dare to live my life like it is MINE to live. ;)

Galagirl
 
Have I experienced weird? Sure. That's why my fav button is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you."

I Love this XD The "ok" strategy is really good, too. I'll be sure to try this out next time I hear something like that.

Something that hapenned too was people saw me and CC together and came up with the most amazing tale about it.
When it reached my ears, "Peaches was an abusive boyfriend and I felt so opressend and sad that I let CC take advantage of the situation". People came to confront Peaches about how he MUST be treating me for me to do something like that. He said he could barely do something other than laugh.
I was bafled on how creative people could be. No one even bothered to ask me or CC what was going on.

I've been hit on inappropriately -- because the person assumes that since I am poly I certainly must be promiscuous. But just because I'm poly doesn't mean I want to be poly with YOU. YKWIM?

This happens a lot. People seem to misunderstand "poly and bi" as "I'll take whatever I can" and "I have a threesome with different people every day" for some reason. o_O
 
I more often get the "Well, if it works for you..." but done in such a dismissive tone that's it's one of those "I don't agree with it, but I don't want to know any more about it, so please stop talking about it." It feels sort of passive-aggressive to me.

I have had a few people be rather negative, but once they see that it is a natural part of my life, and that it's not going to go away, they often adjust their thinking process.

The best way to prove that it can work is not to try to convince them it will, but to *show* then it will. The best way to prove that you're not going to grow out of it is not to. Unless it's really important to you that these people do something to support you, just leave it be and get on with life.
 
I more often get the "Well, if it works for you..." but done in such a dismissive tone that's it's one of those "I don't agree with it, but I don't want to know any more about it, so please stop talking about it." It feels sort of passive-aggressive to me.

I get that a lot. While my sister says it's not actually as agressive as calling me a slut or telling Peaches he ought to find a better girl for him (both did happen more than once or twice), I really think it's meant to be offensive. As you said, really passive-aggressive and does come off as "It may work for you, but I'm a better person than THAT"

I'm not feeling really affected by all the prejudice and slut shamming. CC is the one having the bigger problem with this I guess, in part because me and Peaches have been doing "out of society's little box" stuff besides from poly a long time before that. We are used to people bashing us for random reasons, Peaches even gets a good laugh out of it most of the times.

But I worry for CC. He has self-esteem problems already, and I can't help feeling it's my fault he is having to deal with this now.
 
I'm not too worried about others' perceptions, but it does get obnoxious to hear the same kind of thing over and over again in a very disapproving tone of voice.

It is basically them gathering fodder to be able to say "I told you so" later if it doesn't work out. A very obnoxious interpersonal style IMO. Why do people feel the need to have things to hold over the heads of others?
 
When it reached my ears, "Peaches was an abusive boyfriend and I felt so opressend and sad that I let CC take advantage of the situation". People came to confront Peaches about how he MUST be treating me for me to do something like that. He said he could barely do something other than laugh.
I was bafled on how creative people could be. No one even bothered to ask me or CC what was going on.

He should laugh at them, loudly and openly.

And the response I recommend is: "Sez you."

"You've never been truly in love."
Sez you.

You've not found "the One."
Sez you.

If they sputter on, then something along the lines of "It's OK, I don't really expect anything better from people who have no clue." That's always shut down the stupidity for me.
 
He should laugh at them, loudly and openly.

Peaches has a little game about that. Sometimes he will just laugh and point out how many assumptions people make. Sometimes he'll roleplay and go along with the conversation (like pretenting to be chocked that I'm "cheating" or having "jaleousy fits") until he can't help laughing any longer. THEN he'll laugh and say: "Nah, just messing with ya, I know about CC, we poly and I'm happy for her" or if he thinks he can shock the person a little furter: "Yeah, I know, I brought them condoms for their first time"

If they sputter on, then something along the lines of "It's OK, I don't really expect anything better from people who have no clue." That's always shut down the stupidity for me.

This seems specially usefull for those people who try to "convince you otherwise" and "educate you" on the path of "real love and true hapiness".
 
But I worry for CC. He has self-esteem problems already, and I can't help feeling it's my fault he is having to deal with this now.

That is HIS choice to be with you, HIS feelings to own. Let him own his emotional baggage. Everyone holds their own bag.

If you want a graceful response? Apart from mere "ok" like "Ok, I hear ya. My ears are operational?"

"Thank you for your concern. In this matter you do not need to concern yourself for my sake."

GG
 
That is HIS choice to be with you, HIS feelings to own. Let him own his emotional baggage. Everyone holds their own bag.

HE actually told me this today. He said exactly this, that it was his choice to be with me and he knew how the social circle we share would take it (not so warmly) from the start, and decided it was worth it. And that I should just relax.

I do tend to over-protect and over-analyze. :/
 
I too have had some negative opinions voiced in my life, hell in some ways it's like a lot of the LGBTQ and other people in Arizona would rather stomp on other down people in the world than unite.

I've had a Mormon Ask me why I would choose to have god hate me.

Heard the open and checked expression by ASU LGBTQ lead members that polyamory is hurting their ability to provide positive change in this world.

Been told bisexuality is for gays who don't have the guts to be gay. (And at a later date when I explained carefully how I select my partners told me I must have other medical flaws such as some form of Autism or Aspberger's Syndrome for describing what was in essence pansexuality, when at the time I didn't know the word).

With the acceptation of my father a stern and disapproving glare got the message across...much harder to keep an even emotional state when receiving such scorn from your family.
 
I'll start with the three things I hear a lot (too much) about poly.
That this would only work on theory.
Judging by the 50% divorce rate and the frequency that similar relationships split up, the same could be said for monogamy.

That I only say this because I didn't find the right person. (To which I respond: I did. I found two of them.)
That's along the same lines as saying someone is only gay because they haven't found the right girl/guy and its just as idiotic.

That I don't understand ou have experienced "True Love" (This last one is really hurtfull for me.)
Ludicrous. Unless the person is a mind-reader, there's no way they can make that determination.

People also assume that since i'm too young (I'm in my early 20's) I'll eventually change my mind. "I'm too young to have really loved anyone", etc.
Age has very little to do with it. I've met fifteen year old's who knew more about love than a senior citizen and senior citizens who knew less about love than life-long priests or nuns.

So what about you guys? Have you experienced/still experience prejudice? Are you still in closet in fear of it?
Nothing serious or overt. Mostly just confusion.

I had a few people I knew who decided that they couldn't be friends with me because of that part of my life. The most hostility I've experienced because of my being poly was on OkCupid. When I first signed up and put in my profile that I was poly, I received three messages. Two were from women who were wondering why I was on the site and why I didnt "respect" women enough to just date one. The third message was from a guy who was incredibly hostile and angry, just generally ralphing up garbage about how I was "stealing" women. Aside from that, I've never been much trouble.

Admittedly, I dont publicize it when I think it might be a problem so I'm kinda half-in-half-out as far as the closet goes. Less out of fear and more out of a desire to avoid dealing with people's crap. I have a stunningly small amount of patience for narrow-mindedness and people squawking about how having attended couples therapy that one time gives them such a wealth of knowledge about what works and what doesn't in a relationship.
 
Admittedly, I dont publicize it when I think it might be a problem so I'm kinda half-in-half-out as far as the closet goes. Less out of fear and more out of a desire to avoid dealing with people's crap.

This. It's more about avoiding unecessary crap than being afraid to tell.

Silkanie, Before I was familiar with the word pansexual, I did identify myself as bi. Heard a lot about "not having the balls to be a lesbian", "being in a transiction phase and soon to be a lesbian" and even "Just trying to get attention from straight guys".
When I first tried to use the term "pansexual" it was WAY worse. I had people asking me if it meant I'd do it with dogs, too, or basicaly anything that moves. When I explained it, people said I must have some issued and ought to get checked out. So I just use "bi" in general. Again, avoiding most of the crap.
 
When I first tried to use the term "pansexual" it was WAY worse. I had people asking me if it meant I'd do it with dogs, too, or basicaly anything that moves. When I explained it, people said I must have some issued and ought to get checked out. So I just use "bi" in general. Again, avoiding most of the crap.

Probably most frustrating about this is that I started getting told I look at relationships in an 'unnatural' and 'abnormal' way before I even knew the word for it. What is even more confusing is that, in America at a minimum, we teach our children we're supposed to love without regard to the exterior (other than possibly as a sign of how well someone takes care of themselves and others)...so we teach Pansexuality as the ideal, but those who enact it or feel it for real are 'freaks'.
 
Probably most frustrating about this is that I started getting told I look at relationships in an 'unnatural' and 'abnormal' way before I even knew the word for it. What is even more confusing is that, in America at a minimum, we teach our children we're supposed to love without regard to the exterior (other than possibly as a sign of how well someone takes care of themselves and others)...so we teach Pansexuality as the ideal, but those who enact it or feel it for real are 'freaks'.

Exactaly. To my closest friends I do explain that my view on unconditional love is that gender should not be a condition either.
When I give people the exemple of Peaches - he could be a woman, or pretty much WHATEVER gender on the wide spectrum (I don't see it as only two possibilities at all) - I'd love him the same, they mostly say it's cute, but they cound't look past gender when falling in love and I must somehow broken in the head to actually think this way. Peaches fells the same about me, though, and to us it's just the natural way of things.

People actually told me I had some serious issues way before I identify even as bi. When I knew Peaches I was a straight little girl as far as I knew, but people critized me a lot because he was dressed as a woman when I met him (and was known to like dressing as a woman, painting nails and etc on special ocasions) and I didn't seem to mind that at all.
 
Here's one...

A friend offered to set me up with someone she knows, and I reminded her that I am only interested in men who would be open to non-exclusive relationships.

"Oh wow," she said, looking very serious and worried, "I don't know ANYONE who would be okay with that."

Gee, thanks.

I will also point out that this friend of mine already knew (or, I thought she did) that I am dating non-monogamously, as I had explained this to her earlier, and as this has been a major process I that have been going through for the past two years.

If she'd made that comment to me two years ago, I would have been devastated. Luckily, I am much more centered and confident and secure with my approach to dating now, so I am not hurt or insulted now. My friend didn't mean to be unhelpful.

It would have been nice if I'd more [or any] support from friends over the past two years, but at this point, I've concluded that it's not my friends' job to say the exact right thing to me; rather, it's up to me to educate my friends on my approach to dating. I can't control their responses.

But, yes, a little less prejudice would be nice.
 
"Oh wow," she said, looking very serious and worried, "I don't know ANYONE who would be okay with that."

Clearly she does though, because she knows you...some people choose to ignore that other people of less 'populous' groups might actually be offended when you ignore that they have a presence, goals and feelings about things too. Honestly...from my experience people who have never been on the minority side of the fence are just insensitive to minority feelings.
 
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