Hello there,
My husband and I have been exploring becoming poly for over two years now. We are doing this not because we think that one another isn't enough; nor are we doing it to fix issues in our relationship. In fact, we have been seeing a transactional analyst to help us prepare for becoming poly, learning how to identify feelings, communicate more effectively and negotiate compromises.
We have had trouble locating other poly people in our area, so we attended a poly conference in Dorset (we live in the uk), and aside from seeing that yes, this is indeed possible and generally feeling reassured, we found others to bounce ideas off of and learn from their experiences.
We have heard that many couples opening their relationships up to polyamory have established 'training wheel' agreements to help with the transition, to ensure that every one involved is ok with each step while the couple/individual is embarking on a new relationship.
The problems are, and here is where I could use some advice:
1. Although we agree that perhaps a quad relationship with another couple, with each interested in all four people, would ideally feel the safest, I'm aware that this is pretty rare. Explaining this to my partner, he agrees that yes, it is ideal and that we will probably be involved with one other person. However, he asserts that we should be involved with them as a couple. That he is always 'in the loop' and, sadly, it would appear that this would also mean that I couldn't be involved sexually with another person unless he was involved as well (either watching or actually in bed with us).
2. Included in my partner's need to 'stay in the loop' is his interpretation that being open and honest means that he should be included, or at the least, be able to read any communication I have with another person. In fact, when contacting a couple whom we met at a recent event, he insisted that we compose the email together. And, after they have replied, has indicated that he doesn't feel comfortable with me or him contacting either member of the couple on their own.
I have to say that I understand polyamory as involving relationships between individuals and not between a couple and one or more individuals. I feel like the above two points are controlling and making our decision to become poly a waste of time.
I'd love any advice on this, as I'm quite frustrated.
Thanks
My husband and I have been exploring becoming poly for over two years now. We are doing this not because we think that one another isn't enough; nor are we doing it to fix issues in our relationship. In fact, we have been seeing a transactional analyst to help us prepare for becoming poly, learning how to identify feelings, communicate more effectively and negotiate compromises.
We have had trouble locating other poly people in our area, so we attended a poly conference in Dorset (we live in the uk), and aside from seeing that yes, this is indeed possible and generally feeling reassured, we found others to bounce ideas off of and learn from their experiences.
We have heard that many couples opening their relationships up to polyamory have established 'training wheel' agreements to help with the transition, to ensure that every one involved is ok with each step while the couple/individual is embarking on a new relationship.
The problems are, and here is where I could use some advice:
1. Although we agree that perhaps a quad relationship with another couple, with each interested in all four people, would ideally feel the safest, I'm aware that this is pretty rare. Explaining this to my partner, he agrees that yes, it is ideal and that we will probably be involved with one other person. However, he asserts that we should be involved with them as a couple. That he is always 'in the loop' and, sadly, it would appear that this would also mean that I couldn't be involved sexually with another person unless he was involved as well (either watching or actually in bed with us).
2. Included in my partner's need to 'stay in the loop' is his interpretation that being open and honest means that he should be included, or at the least, be able to read any communication I have with another person. In fact, when contacting a couple whom we met at a recent event, he insisted that we compose the email together. And, after they have replied, has indicated that he doesn't feel comfortable with me or him contacting either member of the couple on their own.
I have to say that I understand polyamory as involving relationships between individuals and not between a couple and one or more individuals. I feel like the above two points are controlling and making our decision to become poly a waste of time.
I'd love any advice on this, as I'm quite frustrated.
Thanks