Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship

I thought they had it figured out, but I was wrong to assume that. It's been a learning curve for each of us. Communication is vital.

Co-Primaries would be nice, wouldn't it? Relieve that sense of competition and as a 'secondary' , that constant feeling of rejection. How could that not set the stage for competition. If each were considered equal, yet celebrated for bringing something different to the relationship, then I think this could work for everyone but I feel that might be asking for too much.

I can feel your pain. And his. I truely can.
 
W2BE.....sorry for your pain and loss. I, too, was the one who lost out coming into an established relationship (not a marriage, but they had been living together for one year.) I had stated from the beginning that I did NOT want to be a secondary and would only consider polyamory...for myself...as a co-primary with his other partner. (She and I were not intimately involved....but established a friendship.) He agreed that he didn't want me to be a secondary. Ultimately, when HE got stressed out, he basically told me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, it would be more secondary in nature. He would see me if and when it worked for him and ours was to be a "fun" time together, not stressful with any "demands" on my part. I chose not to be involved with him on those terms. It hurt......bad. I not only lost him, but the friendships I had developed with his partner, her children, and other friends of their family. I could have maintained separate friendships/relationships with the others, but I knew it would mean that I'd see him eventually and hear about him regularly. It was just too painful for me to do that. It honestly hurt to think he could let go of me so easily. I had moved partially to live closer to them (and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate), changed jobs, tried my best to fit into their established life. I tried to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. And I'm the one that lost out. It's been over a year since I last saw him. The pain is much, much less, but there's still a sense of loss.
 
"This is just stupid."

Bookbug you said it so well below. really nailed it. How do you get over someone when there wasnt anything between yourselves that went wrong? I'm trying really really hard because I know if I don't, i'll ruin my life. I have a lot to offer the world and a relationship/s...everyday I'm digging for it, but I have to literally PUSH him out of my head. I hear his voice, feel his touch, look for his guidance and the only thing that makes it better is to remind myself that he is married and neither of them should have tried to make something work with me without working it out with each other first.

Now will they find themselves like your couple I dont know. I dont dare dream or think about any scenario now beyond salvaging what is left of my heart and life and figuring how to navigate without him. I am comforted only by knowing I gave it everything I had for 5 years, and because he ended it so resolutely that I have to trust it was the best for everyone.

I worry about you and your ability to really move on. Have you had other relationships since this one was over? Did he come fix your computer? How did you feel? Are you going to be able to get over him by keeping in such close touch? I guess its noble if so, I just couldnt do it. At least not now while emotions are still so charged.

In the standard relationship when people break up it is because there are problems between them, good reasons not to be together. I think it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that there are no issues directly between yourselves and yet you still must be apart. I frequently find myself saying, "This is just stupid."

In my own situation, I know my friend was pain, but I do feel some underlying anger at her for agreeing to a permanent triad and then changing her mind, with the added bonus that she was shocked that we were hurt when it was she that "had everything to lose." Nope. I feel like I've lost everything. It might have made it easier if she'd tried to understand how much this hurt both her husband and I.

It's been 6 months now since I left.

As for her marriage, it is forever altered. Yes, he is staying with her. I'd been working under the impression that he was motivated by love and honor. He told me yesterday, that his motivation to stay is almost purely driven by the fact that his kids are flourishing, and it physically hurts him to consider ripping that apart. He does well in his role as husband, trying to keep the lines of communication open and endeavoring to support her, but she is no longer his focus in life. Sadly, I believe in the long run she will find that she has lost more than she realizes.

That said, my friend is going through some changes. Whether this will eventually result in her come to some understanding of the situation, and sympathy for our losses, I don't know. Whether this will enable her to repair the relationship between them, I don't know. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to move forward.
In the standard relationship when people break up it is because there are problems between them, good reasons not to be together. I think it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that there are no issues directly between yourselves and yet you still must be apart. I frequently find myself saying, "This is just stupid."

In my own situation, I know my friend was pain, but I do feel some underlying anger at her for agreeing to a permanent triad and then changing her mind, with the added bonus that she was shocked that we were hurt when it was she that "had everything to lose." Nope. I feel like I've lost everything. It might have made it easier if she'd tried to understand how much this hurt both her husband and I.

It's been 6 months now since I left.

As for her marriage, it is forever altered. Yes, he is staying with her. I'd been working under the impression that he was motivated by love and honor. He told me yesterday, that his motivation to stay is almost purely driven by the fact that his kids are flourishing, and it physically hurts him to consider ripping that apart. He does well in his role as husband, trying to keep the lines of communication open and endeavoring to support her, but she is no longer his focus in life. Sadly, I believe in the long run she will find that she has lost more than she realizes.

That said, my friend is going through some changes. Whether this will eventually result in her come to some understanding of the situation, and sympathy for our losses, I don't know. Whether this will enable her to repair the relationship between them, I don't know. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have to move forward.
 
Thanks NT.

Yes Co-primaries I decided would have been the best way to make a triad work. I tried to make her see I could complement, not take away from her life. A friend, confidant, financial burden sharer. She didnt have many friends to talk to. I offered to come see her, take her on a beach vacation, get to know each other more. I really really tried to make it work.

I think to be a successful secondary you really do have to be okay with being second. I would make a guess that the most successful secondaries are people that have multiple relationships where they are the secondary (Ie not exclusive to the couple). He wanted me to be exclusive. She didnt want me as co primary.

Thank you for feeling his pain too. WE like to talk about ourselves but I know this must be very hard for him too. Thank you.

I thought they had it figured out, but I was wrong to assume that. It's been a learning curve for each of us. Communication is vital.

Co-Primaries would be nice, wouldn't it? Relieve that sense of competition and as a 'secondary' , that constant feeling of rejection. How could that not set the stage for competition. If each were considered equal, yet celebrated for bringing something different to the relationship, then I think this could work for everyone but I feel that might be asking for too much.

I can feel your pain. And his. I truely can.
 
Similar Experience

Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved that it was going the way of secondary instead of coprimary? How long was your relationship before you realized he thought of you as secondary instead of your clear position on coprimary?

It doesnt seem fair that you were the one who had to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. Shouldnt that have been a team effort? Do you still talk with him? You say "I'm the one that lost out". Do you still feel you lost out? Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to care of your needs and that "losing out" would be accepting to stay in something that guts you. Hugs.

W2BE.....sorry for your pain and loss. I, too, was the one who lost out coming into an established relationship (not a marriage, but they had been living together for one year.) I had stated from the beginning that I did NOT want to be a secondary and would only consider polyamory...for myself...as a co-primary with his other partner. (She and I were not intimately involved....but established a friendship.) He agreed that he didn't want me to be a secondary. Ultimately, when HE got stressed out, he basically told me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, it would be more secondary in nature. He would see me if and when it worked for him and ours was to be a "fun" time together, not stressful with any "demands" on my part. I chose not to be involved with him on those terms. It hurt......bad. I not only lost him, but the friendships I had developed with his partner, her children, and other friends of their family. I could have maintained separate friendships/relationships with the others, but I knew it would mean that I'd see him eventually and hear about him regularly. It was just too painful for me to do that. It honestly hurt to think he could let go of me so easily. I had moved partially to live closer to them (and because I wanted to live in a warmer climate), changed jobs, tried my best to fit into their established life. I tried to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. And I'm the one that lost out. It's been over a year since I last saw him. The pain is much, much less, but there's still a sense of loss.
 
Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved...

If you click on a poster's username and go to their profile, then click on "Statistics" you can choose to see all their posts or all the threads they've created. Dragonfly tells her story in the threads she started. She went through a lot of pain and anguish and has lots of wisdom to share from her perspective.

There are lots of other good stories to read and learn from in the Blogs section, too.
 
Thanks NYC

Thanks NYCindie

Just read up. Great perspective on what I may have been in for had I moved to be with my guy. I cant imagine Dragonfly's pain of having moved then had it go south:( Well I can, but I want to hug her!

If you click on a poster's username and go to their profile, then click on "Statistics" you can choose to see all their posts or all the threads they've created. Dragonfly tells her story in the threads she started. She went through a lot of pain and anguish and has lots of wisdom to share from her perspective.

There are lots of other good stories to read and learn from in the Blogs section, too.
 
Just read your thread history

HI Dragonfly. Ignore most of my questions from the last post. I just read your threads. Wish I'd seen them sooner. Hugs you.

Dragonfly wow. I didnt know you had this experience. The fact that you actually made a physical location move made it so serious. Did you know before you moved that it was going the way of secondary instead of coprimary? How long was your relationship before you realized he thought of you as secondary instead of your clear position on coprimary?

It doesnt seem fair that you were the one who had to figure out what was "fair" and "reasonable" in terms of decisions and compromise. Shouldnt that have been a team effort? Do you still talk with him? You say "I'm the one that lost out". Do you still feel you lost out? Sounds to me like you did what you needed to do to care of your needs and that "losing out" would be accepting to stay in something that guts you. Hugs.
 
WTBE.....Thank you. I think you were right when you said I didn't "lose out" in terms of my choosing not to "settle" for a relationship that didn't meet my needs. It took a few "tries" to break it off totally, but I have NO regrets that I made that decision.

I don't regret having made the move, either. As I shared, I had been wanting to move to a warmer climate and...while I loved my previous job...it was very stressful. I now work 40 hours a week instead of 50 or 60. Thanks to the feedback and support of others on this site, I worked at being very honest with myself about not making the move ONLY to be near to my guy/couple since our relationship was still quite new. I think had I not made the move and given the relationship a genuine try...I would have had many questions and regrets. At the same time, that's why I continue to come to this site....to offer others any benefit from my experiences ....just as I benefited from others on here with far more experience than myself.

Blessings to all on this Journey....
 
I worry about you and your ability to really move on. Have you had other relationships since this one was over? Did he come fix your computer? How did you feel? Are you going to be able to get over him by keeping in such close touch? I guess its noble if so, I just couldnt do it. At least not now while emotions are still so charged.

I'll admit my emotions are all over the place on this one, depending on my energy level. It I'm well-rested and up, I cope fine. When I'm worn out, it's a lot more difficult.

Since I left, I've started a new job and have a separate circle of friends. That helps to keep me focused more on the here and now rather than that past. Seeing him in person is still hard ~ for both of us. I get energized when I see him, although there is no longer anything intimate between us except our deep understanding of one another, but find it hard to deal with when it's all over. That said, we are basically okay.

The thing that worries me the most is losing what remains if he cannot cope with me finding a new love. He's made it quite clear that he expects me to act on my own best interests, and truly wants me to be happy, but the one time early on I decided to try dating, (while still living with them - we tried to continue to live together for awhile, in spite of everything) my almost coldly logical guy, freaked out. Surprisingly strong emotional reaction. Feared he would lose me forever. That said, he still had some hope then that his wife would eventually come back around. In any case, because of that event, I now fear that he will withdraw from me further. Yet, his position is clear in regard to our future - we have none, at least until the kids are grown in 8-10 years. And there's no telling what could transpire in that length of time. So while we both express some hope at some point and time we could reunite, the length of time involved makes it impossible to consider realistically.

But to answer your question, no I have not had another relationship in that time. I just wasn't ready (despite my early attempt). But my new job, and the new place I moved into just last weekend are pulling me forward. I'm creeping up on the idea of dating again. I can't stay in this same emotional place forever. (And he'll have to feel whatever he feels. I suspect he won't draw away forever if he does require time away from communicating with me to process.)

My personal goal is to work at not comparing whomever I meet to the man I've lost. It's not fair to that person, and by doing so I might lose out on someone equally wonderful, but in a different way. So that's what I'm working on in my head. As we all know, people are not interchangeable; I cannot replace what I lost. But still someone new may enrich me in different ways. (Well, it sounds good on paper. :) )
 
Update

Hello everyone I thought I'd update you. Its been since June I posted and much has happened.

My guys' wife moved back in with him and I didnt hear from him for months. It had been the worst 3 months of my life, I was severly depressed and was just coming out of my fog with some confidence, healing and a little bit of sunshine on the way. He contacted me and OUr contact was sparse at first. he posted with one of his avatars that "I was the meaning of life". I didnt put him back on my skype or IM's and continued to stay open to other relationships. I had been on a date or 2. I had another friend try to get closer but he was too bristly and I pulled back (thats another story). But it deepened between my guy and I at end of July, he asked me to reconcile and be his partner, and that he was going to get a divorce as she could not do poly. I was hesitant and went very slow. I told him it would work best if he rode in on a whitehorse and picked me up. I felt wary at the impending tumult that might occur at falling back in his arms while he navigated a painful divorce.

Anyway, things progressed, and I couldnt fight it anymore and our intimacy deepened while he is managing the break. I am still open to poly but not with her as I know its not for her. It is very difficult because we are still far away, it doesnt make sense for me to join him until he's navigated through the worst. They still live together in a 1 bedroom apt and even sleep in the same bed:( He said they cannot afford another apt. They havent told the 2 adult kids of teenager yet (the kids all live 1000 miles away from them). She said he had to tell them himself... So he is dreading telling them alone.

He and his wife also do fun things together on the weekends and he has shown me photos of them out doing them (like Hiking). All in this nice town we dreamed of doing some of the same things together. It hurts and I voiced this to him last week. He said there is nothing else to do and he doesn't want to do things alone (he didnt do any of these things before she arrived).

I asked that some balance be taken when navigating between what he is leaving and where he is going to. That perhaps not showing me pictures of him/her/them would be more kind. I suggested he give me as much respect as her and not hang up the phone when someone enters the room. He got angry and said I dont understand the difficulty of his living situation or the pain he is going through while he "destroy's whats left of his soon to be old life".

With the support of a friend, I suggested perhaps he made the wrong choice, that if there is this much pain maybe she is the one he is meant to be with. He got angrier still.

I know he needs support to navigate through this part of the journey. I dont know what to do. I do love him and cherish our time together and he has been very supportive of me in my life and troubles. I would love to continue to be supportive of him but I'm not sure what I'm sacrificing here, or if this is just the price one pays to be in love with someone going through a painful divorce. any advice?
 
Update to my update

I meant to also add, her not being poly is not the only reason for divorce. He is no longer in love with her and says he is in love with me, and loves they way we challenge each other and approach the world with creativity, intellect, conversation and many other things.
 
I think that, because of your history of getting jerked around in this relationship, you might be even more sensitive than the average person would be in your position. But even if that weren't the case, if something hurts you, his response should be to listen and try to respond in a way that will help, not get angry at you. He is going through something hard, but so are you, and if he expects support he must also give support.
 
I'd say he's still dissing you.

Hanging up in the middle of a convo because wifey walks in? I'd tell him, no more phone calls then, emails only, until you've moved out.

One bedroom apt and they are still sharing a bed? He can sleep on the couch, or go crash at a friend's.

Dating, going hiking together, because he has no one else to do it with? Get on meetup.com and find a a hiking group or other hobby group. Make new friends. If he and his wife are broken up, they need to stop dating.

Are they still having sex?

I never get when people are supposed to be broken up and still see each other.
 
To give you some perspective W2BE:

When I met my S/O he had ended his relationship with his ex a month before and though they were still sharing an apartment, he no longer slept in the bedroom with her. He also had financial difficulties being able to afford moving out on his own.

Lemme just say that if he was doing half the things your ex is doing I would have completely dropped our interactions down to nothing more than just friends. If he's doing all of that there's no reason for them to stop sleeping together; hell, they're still doing everything they were doing before he spoke up about divorce!

Don't fall for this. Please. He sounds emotionally manipulative and apparently unable to just be alone, so he can work you over well enough to trade in one relationship for another.
 
Thanks.

Thanks for all the response. He is making great efforts to be with me. She is moving out next week. They are separating. He has told his adult children about it as well.

He flew to see me this past weekend and we have a lovely amazing visit. However, when I asked him the other day how he is feeling about us, he said "as good as could be considering the problem of being in love with 2 women.". He said previously he loved her but not in love so this was a big surprise especially since she's moving out. I said this changes things and I asked how can he imagine it working out between us if he is still in love with her (Remember, she is not up for poly with us). He said you cant put a rating scale on love, and that he's going forward with me so that should be enough. That the fact she's moving out should prove something to me.

When I asked if he is still sleeping with her he got very upset and ran away to think.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more understanding of his confusions? Or am I crazy to think I"m doomed with a man who seeks me out to reconcile with me after hurting me so bad, choosing me over his wife, telling me he isnt in love with her anymore, getting me back in love with him, and now after 4 months of moving forward slips that he's still in love with her??
Thanks for any input.
 
What a poor poor guy. You don't realize how haaaard it is for him. You're asking all these questions! That's so much pressure! Why can't you just be glad you're getting such a prize of a man? That should be enough for you. Next thing you know, he'll want to bring another girlfriend into the picture and what, you gonna start asking questions about THAT, too? Your problem is that you won't stop being a harpy and treating your man like you appreciate him. I bet his wife did the same thing and now look where she is. You don't want to end up like her do you? Then clean up your act and get your ducks in order, woman. You obviously have issues with priorities.
 
Hi,

He is making great efforts to be with me. She is moving out next week. They are separating. He has told his adult children about it as well.

Which of those indicates his effort to be with you? I'm a little confused. Also three months since previous post. 'Great efforts', to me, would have come sooner.

He flew to see me this past weekend and we have a lovely amazing visit.

Maybe you could be friends with benefits? Really good friends, who care about each other, clearly. If you look at it that, it might be less painful than thinking/expecting it will be more.

When I asked if he is still sleeping with her he got very upset and ran away to think.

But did he provide an answer? You might want to ask yourself why this is such a difficult question. I don't know how you present to HIM, but here, to me, you seem open to the answers, and like you have clarity about what's going on in your life, and clarity about what you want to know from him.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more understanding of his confusions? Or am I crazy to think I"m doomed with a man who seeks me out to reconcile with me after hurting me so bad, choosing me over his wife, telling me he isnt in love with her anymore, getting me back in love with him, and now after 4 months of moving forward slips that he's still in love with her??

I think 'doomed' is a good word. I would not be nearly as understanding as you have been. I'd also like to point out, he didn't 'get' you back in love with him ~ you walked in all on your own accord. You had all the information, and you chose all your actions. You have the power over your own life.

I'm sad that your sitch sucks so much. Wishing you strength.
 
Hard for him

Thanks boring Guy. I do know how hard it is for him. I hear about it frequently and i don't usually ask any questions I provide support. It's just he convinced me he was leaving the marraige earlier because he didn't love her anymore and hasn't in a long time. Now he's in love again. My heart hurts for him it must be terrible to love 2 when u can't have them both like he wants it....remember she is not up for poly. Not sure what you mean by not having priorities straight. I have put him first for a very long time and have been incredibly patient i think. I have already suggested being open to others and he is the one saying he doubts that to happen again because of how complicated it is.

What a poor poor guy. You don't realize how haaaard it is for him. You're asking all these questions! That's so much pressure! Why can't you just be glad you're getting such a prize of a man? That should be enough for you. Next thing you know, he'll want to bring another girlfriend into the picture and what, you gonna start asking questions about THAT, too? Your problem is that you won't stop being a harpy and treating your man like you appreciate him. I bet his wife did the same thing and now look where she is. You don't want to end up like her do you? Then clean up your act and get your ducks in order, woman. You obviously have issues with priorities.
 
Thanks Novmber Rain
I agree the efforts took a long time...I would have preferred he ride in on a Whitehorse but I try hard to understand how hard this must be for him.

Friends with benefits is interesting but I'm fully in love w him I know I'd be settling for a partial relationship and unable to look for more outside of it.

He did not provide an answer and in fact has not contacted me at all for days now. He tends to take a lot of space when faced with a hard discussion like this and that hurts too especially since we just had a rare in person visit and it was going so well.

I do take responsibility for coming back to the relationship I just didn't realize I would be having to deal with his being back in love w her. He was Adament that was over. I guess knowing they were still "best friends" and doing things together including sleeping in same bed while she readied for moving out should have been a clue.

I have no idea what to do now

Hi,



Which of those indicates his effort to be with you? I'm a little confused. Also three months since previous post. 'Great efforts', to me, would have come sooner.



Maybe you could be friends with benefits? Really good friends, who care about each other, clearly. If you look at it that, it might be less painful than thinking/expecting it will be more.



But did he provide an answer? You might want to ask yourself why this is such a difficult question. I don't know how you present to HIM, but here, to me, you seem open to the answers, and like you have clarity about what's going on in your life, and clarity about what you want to know from him.



I think 'doomed' is a good word. I would not be nearly as understanding as you have been. I'd also like to point out, he didn't 'get' you back in love with him ~ you walked in all on your own accord. You had all the information, and you chose all your actions. You have the power over your own life.

I'm sad that your sitch sucks so much. Wishing you strength.
 
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