Advice for newly open marriage

bleeucheeze

New member
My spouse and I are going to open our marriage soon, but I want to be able to set guidelines to start. I know that things change as life goes on and we settle into the open arrangement, but I would love to hear advice/tips/tricks for couples just starting out.

I suppose I should start by explaining the reasoning behind our open marriage is because my spouse came out to me as trans a while ago, and has introduced some sexual fetishes that were previously suppressed. I have no problem accepting the fetishes or that she is trans (mtf), but I have explained that my own sexual appetite does not go hand in hand with hers. I simply have no desire to do what she needs sexually (think extremely kinky), which has put us in a little sexual predicament. We love each other, we want to remain married and raise our children together and spend time together as a couple. But sexually, we are throwing in the towel and want to open the marriage up.

I'd love to hear similar stories if you have them, or advice on how to keep this uncomplicated. Obviously, we are newbies and I have all sorts of what-ifs floating around in my head, but it's something we both think will be beneficial.

Bless me with your knowledge! :D
 
Do you have agreements around where sexual interactions will occur with others? When? If you have to go elsewhere (e.g. hotels), how is it paid for?

When Adam and I first opened up, I was not keen on the idea of someone else coming into our bedroom. But then logistics meant that other options were limited (we didn't even have a spare room with a double bed) so "not in my bed" became "change the sheets" lol. It was actually more nuanced than that... our bedroom has our stuff on the walls, pictures etc. Before he actually met C, I couldn't imagine having this faceless person see this stuff. But once he (and I, in a friendly capacity) met C, it seemed totally natural that they spend time at our home while I visited my (ex)bf in his. I actually got grouchier by him making her coffee in a mug that I'd been gifted by someone else, than by them sharing what I essentially thought of as our bed. You won't know what's going to tweak you until it does :)
 
I'm not sure what your gender is, while I do know your spouse's gender, female. You should choose a nickname for her, as our board Guidelines request. For now I will call her Spouse.

How long have you been together? How old are your kids? Doing an Open relationship of any sort is more difficult with kids in the mix.

So, since her sexual ID has evolved, as well as her sexual desires, you plan to transition to a platonic relationship. It's good you both agree on that. It's a good example for others here too. A couple does not need to lose each other's love and support just because their sexualities diverge over time.

Where to go from here? Do you want to keep living together? How do the kids feel about now having a mom instead of a dad? Where will the new partners Spouse seeks be met and played with? At home? At the potential partners' place(s)? At a kink club? Is she polyAMOROUS or just kinky and wants playpartners only?

Would you be considering getting a second home, maybe an apartment, for each of you to meet others? I mean, you have sexual needs too, I assume, that aren't being met now that Spouse wants kink? Do you want vanilla sex with another or others too?

I'd suggest, besides coming here and searching for this topic as it has repeatedly been addressed over the years, also reading the book Opening Up, and going to the morethantwo.com website for Poly 101 and get your common newbie questions answered.

You can do a word or phrase search here, or a tag search. "new to poly" "trans" "kink" "opening up" "poly with kids" etc.
 
Hi bleeucheeze - and welcome to the Forum! My wife asked me to open our marriage a couple of years back so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. Ultimately I agreed (full story in sig link below). Since we were coming from a strong traditonal mono marriage and since I did not have a partner at the time for balance, we started off from a very safe place. Since it was a somewhat ldr (about 4 hours), that helped, and we initially agreed that she could spend one night a month with him (because they coordinated it with business travel, an overnight was the obvious solution - and I was never naive enough to believe that I could set guidelines for their actual sex conduct, other than safer sex practices - we have all been tested since).

What worked for us in the beginning was to set guidelines that made us (especially me) feel safe about our marriage. These would vary according to the situation. As I mentioned, it was once a month in the beginning due to distance, with an occasional opportunity to meet for coffee or lunch additionally. Having said that, once a month is probably not realistic for a local relationship - just an example. We had guidelines about her talking with him when home with the family. Obviously they did not come to our home or his (he is in a "generic open marriage"). That sort of thing. I also did my part, by doing a lot of work on processing so that I could better understand polyamory - lots of reading (books, forum, web articles), podcasts (polyweekly.com and multiamory.com - both excellent), etc.

By creating a safe environment in the beginning, we were able to gradually transition. I now fully self identify as poly - have a long distance partner and a local fwb. My ldr girlfriend and I just spent the weekend in Vegas to celebrate her birthday, while my wife spent part of the weekend with her boyfriend. In fact, her boyfriend has been staying with us in the guest room for days at a time over the last couple of months due to work (rather than staying at a hotel) - and will probably transfer here at the end of the school year. I suggested that they go to his room after our young daughter is asleep for some nightly alone time - around an hour, although once or week or so, she spends the night in his room (but gets up before our daughter does). Sometimes they have sex - sometimes not. Sometimes she has sex with me but not him. Sometimes she ends up having sex with both of us (not together - sex with him, shower, then with me - she actually quite enjoys those evenings). We have agreed to keep sex with other partners in the guest room - but, at this point, it really wouldn't matter if there was sex in our room for some reason - just change the sheets afterward. And we also do "family stuff" together - we have definitely morphed into full on kitchen table poly.

So - my best advice - set realistic guidelines that make you both feel safe. But - practice "ethical poly" - be respectful of other partners as well - they have feelings also. So, be very careful with any "veto power" - it seldom goes well. Instead, set dating guidelines in the beginning (no relatives, mutual friends, whatever...) For us and from what I have read here, things do generally go better if you both have partners - helps prevent the build up of resentments. Be willing to evolve as you gain comfort.

Especially in the beginning, when one of you is on a date, the other would do well to make prior plans for a distraction - go out with friends, visit family, watch a movie, read a book, do hobby stuff, - or best of all, go out on a date as well (timing can be difficult though, especially with kids). Discuss plans before the date, and reconnect afterwards (sexually or otherwise).

Best of luck on your journey! Al
 
Hello Magdlyn! Thank you for reminding me, and I’ve updated my signature to include the nicknames of my family. That should make it easier lol. You can call my spouse Rye, Ryebread, or RB doesn’t matter to me. We have been together 6 years, married 5. We have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, so their involvement with her transition has been extremely minimal. I suppose the younger they are, the easier they accept the changes that occur (and it’s been a slow, subtle change through my request to make it easier on them).

We are very much in agreement that our sexual relationship is going to change and have talked about it in length. We do intend to keep up a certain level of intimacy together (vanilla sex, kisses, cuddles, and the occasional bj/hj). Basically, what we’ve been doing before she told me about all of her sexual kinks that I simply have no desire to do (believe me, I’ve tried them all to make sure and it was a no go haha).

I have been doing a lot of online research and have a general idea of the different styles of poly/open relationships, and for the time being our intention for opening the marriage is simply to allow Rye the chance to explore her sexuality/sexual kinks in a healthy way for all involved.

I have a very low sex drive, so if I participated in the open marriage it would simply be for companionship and probably rarely sex (especially since Rye and I have agreed to keep up our own intimacy so my low sexual needs will continue to be met anyway).

I will definitely investigate that book, as I’ve seen it suggested a couple times now while scrolling through the website.

Thank you Al99 for your response!

In general, I wouldn’t mind Rye’s potential partner(s) being brought to our home, but because we have young children in the house, I made it one of the first guidelines that partners stay far away from the home. This can and will probably change as time goes on, but at their age, I find it safer to keep the partners at a distance and not disrupt the flow of the home.

I appreciate the advice. I know myself well and I know I’ll have to deal with the little green monster at the beginning of this journey, but I am committing myself to remain honest and open through everything. Communication is important in any type of relationship, and I think it’s even more important here!
 
So my husband and I transitioned to full-out poly (as opposed to a more casual level of non-monogamy) around the time our son was 2, 2.5. I highly recommend that if you and your wife ever want to move to more kitchen table poly as opposed to parallel, you work on that now rather than when your kids are older just because it'll seem less weird to them. My husband's partner and my partner both spend time at our house, mostly when the other spouse is out but occasionally all together, and my son loves both of them in sort of a aunt/uncle kind of way (AnotherArtist more than Joan, honestly, just because he's spent more time interacting with MiniMe). Had I/we introduced the idea that mommy and daddy had other partners much later in his life, I think it'd have gone poorly - and he'd have caught on had we tried to pretend that partners were friends like any other friends who happened to be over; he very accurately described my husband's girlfriend as "daddy's _special_ friend, not mommy's" at the age of ...3.5?
 
I
know myself well and I know I’ll have to deal with the little green monster at the beginning of this journey, but I am committing myself to remain honest and open through everything. Communication is important in any type of relationship, and I think it’s even more important here!

Great perspective! I came to believe that my original preference for monogamy and proclivity for jealousy was largely due to cultural conditioning - which was a very liberating revelation that eventually allowed me to let go of the idea that monogamy was "the only way" as well as alleviating "blanket jealousy". Situational jealousy and discomforts (sometimes called "quibbles") still arises on occasion for given circumstances (did I get shortchanged because she wanted to spend time with her bf?...etc). Poly people do get jealous - but we also learn how to look for the cause and address it.

Let me second Magdyln's recommendation for "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino - I believe it is the best introduction to polyamory for those considering opening their marriage.

And here's a link to a collection of quality poly websites:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

Al
 
Hi Bleu,

It is a little bit tricky to figure out what kind of guidelines to set for your open/poly before you actually try it out ... although the book "Opening Up" can help you in that area. I recommend for you and Rye to read the book together, paying special attention to the "questionnaire" parts of the book, and answering the questions together. Also keep an open mind toward the likelihood that eventually, one or both of you may want to renegotiate the guidelines, perhaps even do away with them. Rules and guidelines tend to be useful for the early stages of open/poly; in the later stages they are often not needed so much, or at least changes to the guidelines become useful. So, even if you do establish rules/guidelines in the beginning, keep the channels of communication open and discuss the guidelines often, in case one or both of you needs something to change.

I also recommend for you to keep us updated here as your open/poly journey continues. In doing so, you will help us be able to give you updated thoughts and counsel. We may have evolving advice, for example, about what kind of changes you might want to make to your guidelines. For now perhaps a good place to start would be, deciding how much you will tell each other about your other partners. Enough perhaps so that your imaginations don't run wild (causing jealousy), but little enough so that you don't get traumatized by too much information (which could also cause jealousy). Decide now how much you will tell each other, then monitor how that goes once you actually start practicing polyamory, with an eye toward possible renegotiation of the guideline. Anyway, that's one example of something you could start with. Hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The easiest way to keep thing uncomplicated is to have very few rules, if any. My wife and I tried putting a bunch if rules on each other. We quickly realized that was absurd. Rules are a way of trying to get a person to conform to your problems instead of working through them yourself. We boiled it down to a few simple things. We lived together and would remain doing so. We wouldn't keep each other a secret from any other partners. And... that's about it. We trusted each other.
 
I forgot to mention, you should probably have a conversation about possible safer-sex agreements.
 
I forgot to mention, you should probably have a conversation about possible safer-sex agreements.

Which also raises the question (since she's obviously of child-bearing age) of what happens if a pregnancy results (oops's happen). Not the sort of conversation you and she want to have as a surprise.
 
Which also raises the question (since she's obviously of child-bearing age) of what happens if a pregnancy results (oops's happen). Not the sort of conversation you and she want to have as a surprise.

The OP's spouse is a transgender woman, therefore can't get pregnant. But this is something to be discussed if there is a uterus and ovaries intact in a ciswoman of child-bearing age.
 
Which also raises the question (since she's obviously of child-bearing age) of what happens if a pregnancy results (oops's happen). Not the sort of conversation you and she want to have as a surprise.

My spouse actually had a vasectomy a year or so ago, and according to the doctor "shooting blanks", so I am not worried about any pregnancy scares. I am the one and only "baby mama" in this scenario.

Part of the agreement for this was that safer sex is used since we haven't utilized a condom in a long time being married and no longer capable of having children (vasectomy + birth control = no monthly scares). Any sexual relations outside of the marriage will definitely include condoms and we've both agreed to that. I have no intention of having sex outside of the marriage anytime soon, so I'm sure we'll talk about that tiny chance of pregnancy when the time comes but as far as I'm concerned, my baby box is closed down for business lol.

We just officially opened the marriage up this past weekend, so I'm currently acting as the cheerleader in any potential dates my spouse gets. So far she's had two successful dates (same person) and one catfish haha. Trial and error I suppose :rolleyes:

I'll definitely keep everyone updated as we navigate these new waters. I am excited for us.
 
Sounds like it's going well so far. I'm glad to hear that. Yes there is a certain amount of trial and error, not much getting around that.
 
My spouse actually had a vasectomy a year or so ago, and according to the doctor "shooting blanks", so I am not worried about any pregnancy scares. I am the one and only "baby mama" in this scenario.

Part of the agreement for this was that safer sex is used since we haven't utilized a condom in a long time being married and no longer capable of having children (vasectomy + birth control = no monthly scares). Any sexual relations outside of the marriage will definitely include condoms and we've both agreed to that. I have no intention of having sex outside of the marriage anytime soon, so I'm sure we'll talk about that tiny chance of pregnancy when the time comes but as far as I'm concerned, my baby box is closed down for business lol.

Oh haha since Rye is a transwoman, I didn't think about her getting a ciswoman pregnant. My bad! I guess there are transwomen not on female hormone therapy and androgen blockers, who still enjoy using their genitals to penetrate a ciswoman's vagina... My partner is a transwoman, and she was new to being on hormone therapy when we met, and we did do intercourse, she penetrated me. I kinda forgot. Because after a while her hormones shrank her "penis," and she stopped ejaculating. And I'm sure her ejaculate was sperm-free for a while before that.

She would use a condom if someone wanted to penetrate her anally. I have my male partners use condoms with me, unless and until conditions are right for fluid bonding.

We just officially opened the marriage up this past weekend, so I'm currently acting as the cheerleader in any potential dates my spouse gets. So far she's had two successful dates (same person) and one catfish haha. Trial and error I suppose :rolleyes:

I'll definitely keep everyone updated as we navigate these new waters. I am excited for us.

It can be difficult for transpeople to get dates... I have some friends who are trans or non-binary and some have difficulty finding non-transphobic people to date. It also depends on whether they are gay, lesbian, bi or straight in their preference.

One more thing that comes to mind: You strongly associated sex and kink in your OP. Some people do not associate sex with kink. So pregnancy (or STDs for that matter) wouldn't necessarily even be a potential risk, as JackDarlene was concerned about.
 
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