Sorry to jump in, I just wanted to ask
SourGirl, do you feel this is accurate? That the love (or feeling you have previously thought to be love) you felt for others wasn't or isn't really love? If that's how you see it, too, then that is correct that you are probably not poly.
However, I don't know if you can say that if person loves other people differently than they love their spouse then they are not poly. Obviously, if they themselves identify that the feelings for others aren't actually love, then they aren't poly. I just don't think it's accurate to say that person isn't poly if they don't love everybody similarly, if they still regard that feeling love. [Obviously, I think it's a good thing to recognise about oneself, and to communicate to whatever partners there may be, if it is the case that they have a special kind/level of love for their spouse that they can't feel for anybody else.]
Ahhh,...now somebody is 'getting it'
You are correct Rory, I never said I didn`t feel romantic love for my secondaries. I did, quite a bit. At the same level as my husband ? No, but it still was definitely a romantic type of love. I AM poly by the very basic definition of 'loves more then one'.
I am NOT poly regarding the ability to maintain more then one loving relationship at a time. I don`t feel unconditional love like I do for my husband, and probably some of the things that put a bad taste in poly people`s mouths, is that I see hierarchy. Naturally, seeing hierarchy isn`t forced on me. If push comes to shove, the secondary goes. I also have no urge in being somebodys primary. The only way I see it being different, is if all the stars aligned, and things just slowly happened over years. I wouldn`t deny someone naturally becoming a fixture in my life, over years of time. However, what person desiring a poly relationship, is going to say " Hey, I`ll spend 5-10 years in this, hoping I have a shot at equality ?'
So the theory, vs the reality is what I argued against.
There are many kinds of poly in my opinion. But majority rules. SC being my example ( Sorry SC) but if I say I dont love my secondaries the same as my primary, ...'I am not poly.' i`ve been told that,.. A LOT.
( chastised for that too. As i am then seen as ' not treating them well.' even if the partner is ok with it.) However, many people feel plantonic love for their primary, or see them as a co-parent, life-partner, and feel romantic love for their OSO, or secondary partner, and are still seen as poly. Most poly people, on forums and off, have a very set way of how they see things being 'right' or 'good' in poly.
- Everyone is treated equal, or with the intention of progressing that way.
- Growth is not optional. It is a expectation to move and develop the relationship into 'more'.
- secondary/tertiary is defined by time and abilities, not by love.
- Communication is definitely a cornerstone, even moreso then any other relationship type.
- expectations overall, are very different in poly.
As SC pointed out, it takes 'more then love' to have a relationship.
So reasonably, it would take 'more then love' to have a poly relationship.
Which is why I believe, that it is a over-simplification, to say poly only means 'the ability to love more then one'.
I could argue until I was blue in the face, with every single person I go on a date with, that I am poly, and they need to broaden up their definitions a little more....but it would be a uphill battle, that I don`t care to force on people. It just confuses them, and leaves me hurting, from being misunderstood, or relegated into a 'poly standard'. I have dated quite a bit, and have found this to be true. When I first started realizing this, I was very bitter. Very quickly became sick of explaining myself to the millionth degree.
The bitterness about it all past, when I just started playing the game, instead of battling it.
I am very honest about who I am, and what I am capable of. So, I`d rather just label myself with what people can handle.