Oops, no there's more.
Thank you Mono! (Why the nickname "mono", by the way, if I can ask?).
I realized after posting that there's a second chapter to this train of thought...
This new man that I have met is triggering a lot of this soul-searching. I was pretty much done dating after my last relationship ended. Finito, I'm a very happily single chick!
Then, he tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and kapow! Every time I ran into him, my body did internal summersaults.
Three days ago, I picked up a book off his table. It was a blog-style book about gay life. There was a chapter about "Fucking..." something-or-other and I made a joke about it. He seemed defensive and asked not to be judged by the book. I said, "Hey, one of the books on my shelves is The Ethical Slut, so who am I to judge?".
He turned around and pulled The Ethical Slut from his bookshelf. I screamed out, "YES! No way! That's so cool!".
So, I'm a single woman in my 30s. Never married, no children, never pregnant. I've come crying to my family time and time again about another failed relationship and another frustrated attempt at meeting "the right person". Every time, I've felt frustrated by my inability to find a straight, monogamous, committed, serious relationship that produces children.
I phoned my aunt today and told her, "He's gay and I don't want a relationship with him". She said, "Oh well. Sometimes, people like that make the best kinds of friends", which is all very true, but, that's honestly not what I want in my heart.
I am feeling a lot of pressure to "smarten up" and reject these kinds of unclear, fringe circumstances. There seems to be an underlying assumption that, "Of course you're in such crazy relationships, you don't see the signs". For example, this man said at one point, "I joke around that I'm a bad date". I think his reason for feeling this way is that his sexuality, etc is not straightforward.
If someone tells me they're a bad date because they are unkind or unavailable to share themselves, well then, yeah of course I'll end it there.
But, if he says he's a bad date because he's feeling insecure about his ability to fulfill a relationship role, or his confusing levels of attraction towards women, or his changing relationship needs, well, then I'm intrigued and want to explore that with him.
What I really, really want is this.
I care deeply about this man. Being around him brightens my day. I want to continue getting to know him. I fully understand that his sexual preference seems to be with men, but that he is attracted to women and attracted to me. I don't know if he is capable of falling in love with a woman. But, what I want is to explore the possibility of some kind of intimate relationship with him. I want to know that I can love him to whatever degree I feel and not frighten him. I want to continue sharing with him, while taking lots of space, giving him the space to continue living his life as he does.
Most of all, I want this to be accepted by my friends and family. I want them to understand that although I may get hurt, this lifestyle makes me H-A-P-P-Y!!!