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Old 08-31-2011, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoniMoni View Post
I'm finding that I'm really open to this.

I'm just having a hard time with what the "rules" are. I hate to use that word but I am so not wanting to interfere in the dynamics of their marriage that I'm not sure how I really am going to fit in. He's very open to my questions and has answered everything I have asked. I just feel out of sorts asking when it's ok to text or call. I just don't know how things work and I'm sure it's different in every Poly relationship.
Great that you're open to poly!

Lots of people prefer the word "boundaries" over rules because it's a bit more of a fluid concept. Whether you call them boundaries or rules, many of them can be renegotiated and revised as needed.

It's funny, if it were a monogamous relationship, you probably wouldn't think twice about asking when it's okay to text or call ("So, is it okay if I call you at work?" or "How late can I call you?" is easy enough). Relationships in general depend on the same considerations, respect, and communication, whether mono or poly. Just in poly, as Mags said and as you will hear and read over and over again, honest communication is crucial.

When I recently began a relationship with a married poly guy (didn't work out, so I ended it, but I learned a lot) the question I asked him was, "What rules do you and your wife have that will affect me?" If there had been something I was uncomfortable with, I wouldn't have embarked on the relationship, so it was important for me to ask. As far as texts/calls, we had a mutual understanding that we could text each other anytime but neither of us would expect texts to be answered right away. If one or the other was busy or occupied, we'd answer the text when we became free... no hard feelings. If we needed an answer right away, we'd say so. This was an LDR, so we only spoke on the phone about once a week or so, but I told him I preferred that we send a text first to see if we had time to talk, before either of us actually called. This worked for us.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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