Annabel, I am finding your posts about Ziggy to be slightly freaky and also illuminating.
I think, having been reminded of the "bad" aspects of being with Sven, I can calm the hell down for a few days and be grateful he's my piece on the side.
I talked to my husband tonight at dinner, though. I told him what was up with Sven, and that I didn't know what the future would hold there, or if he wanted to continue seeing me, but that if he did, I was interested in continuing to see him and I wanted to make sure that was okay. I said I realized that many open relationships don't allow ongoing things like what Sven has become, and that it may not have been what Thaddeus signed up for when he agreed to open the relationship. Was he okay if I kept something ongoing with Sven, I asked? And Thaddeus said yes, that was okay, as long as I loved him the most. And I said of course I did, because that is true.
I definitely have a primary/secondary thing going on here, even though Thaddeus didn't use those words. He wants to be #1. And I am very okay with that. I have read some poly resources and I know lots of people don't like using those terms or restricting their relationships like that, but I think this is a good starting place for us. I would like to keep my husband as the #1 too, especially with the baby on the way--we're going to be a family and that has to come first. I would also feel pretty devastated if I didn't feel like I was Thaddeus' #1, so it kind of goes both ways.
I wonder if I downplayed my feelings for Sven a little too much in the discussion. I think I may have. I was reluctant to make Thaddeus feel insecure. I guess I'll need to talk to him again. But maybe not for a few weeks.
I don't have much to offer Sven. I can't be his wife and have his kids. That is a huge downside, because I think I'm a good wife (though I don't know if I'll be a good mother) and anyone should want to have that part of me. He won't have it and I can't give it. I can offer Sven a casual dating relationship--we can spend time together and have fun and have sex and great discussions and enjoy each other. If he wants that, I can do that.