Originally Posted by redpepper
After three years? There is no mono, there is no poly, there are just people with an idea of how to have relationships.... finding out what that relationship style is and seeing if it can work together, or readjusting the style of relationship you have with someone is what its all about I think.
To me there is a way I want to have relationships; open and honest in communication, partners that value integrity, mutual respect and consideration of others, caring and concern for the well being of others... etc. All these things are not mono or poly, they are the foundation of good relationships to me... I chose to have relationships with people, not with how they identify in terms of mono or poly.
Well said, sounds like the conclusion I have come to also. I read a lot of stories, & pretty much everything I can get my hands on about polyamory & relationships, (thus my long hours browsing the internet so much so that I really need to take a break or it will become an obsession. haha) But I also had a conversation about jealousy with a friend, Im just going to copy/paste that here:
I wouldn't say Every time a newer relationship experiences jealousy that is the End of it all, but it does take a certain amount of confidence and courage to make it over the top of the hill & to see beyond initial selfish reactions that a lot of people do not think is worth the effort.
Although my experience with jealousy is relatively small, I have experienced it a few times myself & as well as my partners feeling it. I think you describe the feeling perfectly as a "threat", since I believe that this "jealous" feeling that crops up in many ways is actually a natural phenomena, ie, the body signals a POSSIBLY threatening situation & allerts it to your brain. The brain interprets it as pain. Surly we can find ways to deal with our automatic responce with intelligence. I believe pain is not necessarily a bad thing, it helps protect us, and hones our skills for staying out of trouble.
In my case, I seldomly feel jealousy, but when I do, I usually deal with it fairly quickly because I am ready for it. I think that awareness is the first step in fixing any problem, so this has really encouraged me to get to know myself & what makes me tick. When I start feeling strange, I go to my room by myself & think about it. Then I talk about it with my partner. I usually feel better once he simply understands, but sometimes we work out what we can try to do differently.
I think perhaps in my past partner's experience, the jealous feelings stemmed from the fear that he was getting a raw deal, embarrasment, & that I did not love him as much as my other partner. This fear eventually led to our breakup since his solution was to try to gain more power/control over me.
With any relationship, there is the potential for painful feelings & good feelings. However, when you add more people/ more relationships (which by the way, grows exponentially) with polyamory, then you get even more variables squeezed into a smaller time window so that is why it may seem that polyamory is so fast paced, intense, and an emotional rollercoaster to some.