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Old 08-30-2011, 03:15 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

We were in a poly V for about 4 months before I went on a date alone with my bf. At first my husband was ok with it. Then... he WASN'T. It was awful for him. For us, it just didn't work out. Now we are back to an arrangement where I meet my bf during the day when my husband is at work, and the only time we go out on a date is if all 3 of us go. (Which hasn't happened too often, but the few times it has, we have had an absolute blast).

My husband just started up a relationship of his own, about a month ago. Their first date.... at first I was ok with it. Then... I wasn't. Then.... I was. UGH!!!

Poly is a roller coaster for us, but it was the best alternative. We didn't want to divorce, and I couldn't stop loving my bf. Then a woman started flirting with Sundance, whose ego has taken a major hit with me falling in love with another man, so for the first time in our 12-year marriage, he opened himself up to another woman.

It has been crazy tough. I did not anticipate going through all the emotional upheaval on this end of it. Now I really understand the "other side" of poly -- BUT, not completely. I have never been in the secondary's position! Having this new girl out there adds a whole new dimension to it. For about 8 months I was the goddess, having 2 men who I loved dearly, who were willing to put aside their male pride in order for me to be happy. I was in awe of this, totally. Now not only do I have to deal with my own jealousy (what is THAT? I didn't think I had a jealous bone in my body!), I also have to consider HER feelings. Sundance is not going to just use her for his own selfish ego needs -- he is more of a caring soul than that. So he is kind to her, tells her sweet things, and frankly, has lied to her about the state of our marriage so she won't run. That is a whole new dimension that I never even gave much consideration at the beginning. I thought, oh, him having a girlfriend, that will help US. What will it do to HER? Never thought of that one, did we? It has gotten A LOT more complicated. I'm not sure if that is bad or good, but it's sure been intense!

I'm not one for giving advice. I try to just share my own experiences, as I feel they relate to others'. But I can give some encouragement. Hang in there! It sounds like you are in a loving marriage. And you do have 2 young children, so that marriage is not something to quit on too easily. We have 6 kids -- 4 still at home -- and it has made us all the more determined to stick together and find creative ways to make this work for us and for our family. We may be struggling, and maybe if we didn't have kids to think about, we'd decide to go the easier route. But we love each other enough to stay together, at the very least for the sake of the kids we both love, the family we have built together that means the world to us both. It is a bond that we care enough about not to sever. I love my husband so much, and I know it would kill him not to live with his children, the same way it would kill me. I'm not saying we are only in it for the sake of the kids, though -- we are a terrific match, we adore one another, and there is way too much good between us to give up on. But thank goodness for the kids, they certainly strengthen the glue that binds us.

Oh yeah, back to the "first night" -- from my own experience, I can just say, it's not going to be easy. Lots of emotions will probably wash through you. I remember my husband being so sweet about it. He even helped me pick my outfit! It was cool. Then a day or two later, he fell apart. We couldn't have predicted the path it was going to take. But we were determined to work it through no matter what. October 10 will be our one year poly anniversary so I guess, so far, we're managing! Good luck to you, too!
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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