I think it was Redpepper who said, in my first thread in the new to poly section, I simply have to love the work that this kind of relationship structure requires. Now, I got the feeling that I really know what she meant by work for the first time. Much has happened and I simply feel exhausted.
Despite realizing that I worry in vain for most of the time, because things that aren't there, considering fears that only existed in my head, I kept on going round and round in circles. And I didn't see it. I didn't note the subtle underlying click-clack that my thoughts made while revolving around the same topic again and again. Is everyone happy? Did I split equally? Where is my (so to speak) tally sheet? I still know quite well what my expectation have been in my monogamous relationships. And I don't want my two men to miss any of it. Which is so unreasonable because this isn't a monogamous-at-the-verge-of-codependency relationship and I am only one person and can't tear myself apart. But I tried and it backfired.
The last week has been quite arduous. On the one hand because Lin left again or because of my constant worrying, on the other because we waited and waited for the publisher to contact us and bring 'good news'. They contact us on Friday (we have been waiting since Tuesday) to tell us they had to cancel the project and delay it for half a year because of the stock market problems and low sales figures in the last quarter. Bam! Reality kicking in big time. Going back to being a student, having to delay the desire for a child, no more thinking about building a house and so on ... *sigh* ... well, that's how it is.
Because of this development I have been down for most of the weekend. Needed to readjust to the new situation and shut my dreams away for now. They aren't out of the picture for good but it will take time until we can try again as it seems now.
Sward started working immediately when he heard the news. We planned to move Lin to our city and it would have been quite easy to do so when the deal would have come off. The plan to move him was around for nearly half an year, way before we actually considered poly. Now we need to limit our financial resources and therefore the possibilities we actually have. We did work out a Plan-B and that contains to share our flat with him and rent the spare room to him that is on the same floor as well. It has been used as a lumber-room for the whole house and needs a thorough, ground-up renovation. When the bad news came in Sward got his work clothes out and started to declutter.
It has been Lin's and my project, therefore we were really taken aback by the development. But our reaction was silence, we couldn't talk about it right away and started to distract ourselves by playing some online games. I am not good with words and was hurting because I couldn't be with Lin in this kind of situation. I need physical contact to comfort and solace someone. Sward held me when I wept for the lost chance later that night.
But despite his knowing about all these developments and backgrounds we still got into an argument yesterday morning. He felt neglected. When he told me all my fears came back at once and I got defensive because, yes, I knew that I had been occupied with Lin during his visit and with the project during the last week, but why did he have to put more pressure on me by asking more attention as well during this kind of time?
I had to admit that I shut down during the weekend, because I needed time for myself. I didn't call Lin in the morning to wake him up and skype (a habit that established itself over time because he tends to sleep in all the time and stays up in the night) because I needed silence and sereneness to cope with all the things that went through my head. I didn't spent time with Sward as well, something that he expected me to do because he took his vacation so that he got private time with me after the visit of Lin. I simply wasn't in the mood for this kind of thing and we collided.
And I realized just how exhausted I am. The three weeks Lin has been here were wonderful. It worked great, but it was so straining. I am used to our 'good old marriage' and routine that developed over the years and geez
I feel like an old lady complaining about the lost youth and energy when I recognize just how worn out I am from this time. The dynamic of two men caring, working and watching out for me felt great, but there were two men demanding and needing things from me as well. This is definitely an aspect I need to get used to over time. Need to get some emotional endurance training as it seems.
Well, after Sward realized how depleted I am (and after I told him that this mainly resulted out of his habit to swallow things, even if they are little and seem not important enough to talk about at that point in time) and after I realized my emotional debility as well (again, I didn't really know about all this before, ignored the signs again) we agreed to watch out for this special circumstance in the future and call it settled for now. We will see what the future holds, for the time being I am looking forward to the tenancy changeover in October and am thankful that the problems we discover are mainly of the only-in-my-head kind or stem from little issues which just need to be taken care of better the moment they appear.