After W moved out, we took a few steps together to try things out. The pattern was basically: try something new out, feel ok while it was happening, get caught up in my head feeling weird about it the next day, flip out a bit, be reassured by my wife, try something else out, repeat. The new experiences were driven by me and things were at my pace. I was always the one to suggest that things move along when I felt ready. However the fact that I always required reassurance put my wife off to my capability of accepting her for who she is, and support our lifestyle together.
When I gave her the ultimatum, I felt like I was giving to her by taking steps to further her expression of herself, but I didn't really feel like I was receiving from her in accordance with what I needed. From reading posts here, I know that this was due to her NRE with W. The ultimatum actually caused her to see that something serious was happening and she worked to understand what I was feeling.
It was after this that she finally realized that I was already walking down a path with her towards a goal that really made her happy and gave back to me. The amount of love and attention that she is giving to me now is what I need. This is how I know that she can love two at once.