We had an ok weekend, feels weird to go to bed at night and listen to them outside laughing and talking like I did on Saturday night. Guess I feel left out, but I know they don't have a lot of time together because of the current living arrangements so... if they are going to have a chance to build their relationship then I need to back off and give them space.
I do love them both very much, just want everyone involved to feel happy and fulfilled in life.
They are out right now too, I was invited by Pixie to join when we were out shopping on Sunday but I saw Khas' eyes and said no thanks, not really up for it anyway so not a big deal, and its a school night for our daughter so someone needs to make sure that the routine goes on, and on time!
I figured out what I was meaning when I thought "Damn, I'm going to miss him" a while back.. it isn't him
that I am missing but it is us
... at least the us
that has existed for 13 years. Laying my head on his sweaty chest, running my hands across his newly flat stomach (he's lost 70lbs this last year!) ... I was realizing *that* is what I will miss.. the uniqueness in knowing that no else will touch him that way.. that no one but me will share those intimate moments... poly doesn't allow for a sense of uniqueness in the same physical ways as a mono relationship does. Now I am slowly realizing how much of my safety and identity of us
has been based on the physical intimacy.
that uniqueness is gone now..
well the idea of it is gone....
Khas and Pix haven't been physically intimate yet beyond still quite chaste kissing, but it is in the air around them and we all know that it is just a matter of time.
I don't really like
them a whole lot right now though. Not constantly disliking them, just in moments, I feel overwhelmed with anger, bitterness, despair and disappointment with a healthy wallop of hopeless/helplessness thrown on top.
and a cherry!
Tonight while they have been out I have been fielding the questions from our daughter... she wants to know why dad doesn't love me
best any more... I tried to reassure her that that is not the case, but I know that lying to a kid never works and I don't *feel* that way so it is essentially a lie.
On a better note on the kid front, my 20 year old son told me this morning that he is sad to see me hurting so much but that it seems to him that my relationship with Khas is stronger, that we seem more open and honest with each other. Our 17 year old son told me later in the morning that he thinks Khas is insane, he
has enough problems dealing with ONE female, why on earth would anyone want TWO? LOL, smart boy
The girl is down for the night so I guess now I will go try to sleep and keep my brain off the imagery of what Khas and Pixie are up to now.
It is better with Khas though, I was able to articulate to him that I was feeling like he was so busy trying to balance I was left feeling as if I was not special or unique in his life. I know he heard me and is making an effort to balance in a way that doesn't mean doing identical things for/with Pix and I.
Been a hell of a 8 days on the physical front, my damn body just doesn't seem to get it that we have to get our act together and get ready for these new challenges and opportunities life is throwing at us!