I'm sorry about Butch's heart condition.
Yes, it's difficult being the "temporary transition" woman, isn't it? Thanks for the insight. I am now reading your blog because I find some similarities in my situation...
I'm sorting through all my clothes, making up a box of sweaters I'll be too fat to wear this winter. It's a bit depressing. I put in the box a purple sweater that looked so hot I was able to hook Sven while wearing it no matter how he was feeling. If he started getting ambivalent about what he wanted and he felt like maybe fucking me was just a distraction from finding a real girl, I'd wear the sweater, all tight on my tiny tiny waist, and low cut, no bra, my nipples poking out the material... he could never resist me in that sweater. Now it won't remotely fit of the baby tummy, and I probably won't want it clinging to my post-partum rolls in Jan/Feb, either. It'll just remind him of how I used to look in it, and that I don't look the same now.
I just tried on a grey sweater that still fits, as a sweater, but I used to wear it as a dress with knee-high boots. My god, I can't believe how tiny I was. It's sickening, really.
We have some new hot young things coming to work in our office, and I used to be that. Prancing around Sven in tiny outfits isn't going to work anymore. I feel powerless in that way, too, like I've lost what I think he found worthy in me, if I've lost my maidenly body. I find it hard to believe that he likes me because I'm interesting. I'm really not.
He's still having sex with me now, but in some ways, there's something novel in it for him--he's never had sex with a pregnant lady before. It's a bit kinky. But when I'm just a mom, all tired and leaky and stretched out? Even if he's still single, what will he think of me then?
This is just such a period of upheaval for me.
My husband says I'll always be beautiful. Thanks, my love.