Originally Posted by dingedheart
please reread my first three posts and tell me again where the hostility toward your community is. I did NOT mention her seeing a DR soon she did ....I "stupidly" suggested that the Dr treating her be made aware of these possible stressor's ....and if she can't trust her gut then perhaps trust the Dr's judgement....you're right that seems so unreasonable and hostile now. As I said there are BDSM experts here to draw upon ....and they have weighed in behind the scenes ....which is great for you and her... I hope they have helped.
I sincerely hope you both find happiness and it was not my intention to add to her struggle. If I did I'm sorry. Good luck to you both D
I think everyone would like to know what the experts have advised....and how it differs from what I suggested.
(Still Mr. Male half)
Note that I make no judgement calls about what you are actually trying to say, only the way with which you said it, and it was interpreted. With that, let's dive in!
Your first post was not really hostile, merely clueless. I've already covered the
"how to be friends with someone who is a submissive", so we'll move on. The rest of the post isn't overtly hostile either, though somewhat disingenuous, as the insinuation is that she cannot trust what I am telling her, and to ask if she trust me or not. That is the interpretation I get from asking someone if what they are hearing lines up with what they think is true.
Your next post is mostly defeatist, merely stating that it seems impossible to you.
The next post is where it gets hairy. You see, you didn't really clarify anything. So you think she should discuss it with her doctor? Which one? The general practitioner she is talking about? They would likely not have any advice, other than to be sure to do it as physically safely as possible at best. At worst they would be horrified.
So i'm going to make the leap here, and say that you mean that she needs to discuss it with her psychologist/psychiatrist (of which at the moment, she doesn't have). The problem here is people's perceptions of what you discuss with your mental health doctor. Most people see someone telling them to "talk to their doctor about this" as them saying "Something is wrong with you, you need to get help". Again, without you clarifying, that is likely to be the dominant interpretation.
I should also state here that she is actually in full agreement with her "gut". She knows that her suicidal ideations are illogical, and pays no mind to them. This is in fact one of the reasons she was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance instead of a enviromental based disorder. Even when she is at a high point, she is happy with life, and all of it's little creatures, she will still occasionally have those ideations. They aren't based on what is happening in her life.
The next post is where the tone really turns. You open up by stating that people in this forum will tell the "unvarnished truth". The further supposition from that is that she is currently not handling this truth, and she should "suck it up" so to speak. You go on to state that NOT telling her doctor this could lead to him wondering why she is not "better".
Now, let's put aside for a moment that I agree with you, that whatever doctor she chooses should be aware of all parts of her lifestyle, and look a bit deeper. Your insinuation is that if they DON'T know, that the doctor won't understand why she isn't "better". To follow that line of logic, it states that you feel that she is sick, and needs help, and without the doctor knowing she is sick, that she will never improve. That shows your own personal feelings on the subject.
Your next post introduces what is really a loaded question : "Do you think a young 23yr old suffering from clinical depression who is struggling to find happiness is a good match for this?" To me at least, the sentence speaks to me that you expect to answer to be "No." This isn't something that has a dominant interpretation though, so it's just my own personal feelings here.
Your next post really lays it out on the line: You've decided she can't trust herself. The question is, why? The assumption here is her depression, but I think based on some of your previous statements that it's not her depression, but her desire to be in the BDSM community is what is making her sick. The fact is, she isn't struggling with our relationship, or our power dynamic. She's quite happy with that. She's struggling with what NEW relationships may form, and that is an entirely different fear altogether. You then follow up with a statement about facing reality. Fact is, she is quite grounded in reality. She knows that if she can't resolve her fears now, that they WILL cause problems in the future.
I will make the assumption that I don't have to dissect how your last post was hostile, so we'll just leave that be.
Michelle: You are quite correct, many people in the community are quite wary of doctors. Beyond the fact that many states have some very draconian laws about what we do, up until recently, BDSM was listed as a mental health disorder. Thankfully, that has changed. Still, we have a great local community, and finding a kink-friendly doctor isn't that hard.
SNeacail: Thanks for your input. In fact, this is the first depressive episode she has had in years. She was on a treatment that her and her doctor had hoped would "reset" the serotonin levels in her brain, and negate the need for a life-long drug regimen. Sadly, with this relapse, that hope has been dashed, and we are restarting the work to get her back on the drugs required to equal out the levels in her brain. As for knowing herself without the depression, she does. Reevaluation should occur all the time, regardless of anything else. She would not be the first, nor would she be the last person to decide that this community would not be for her. I don't see that happening, but if she did, then we would sit down and decide where that leaves us as a couple. To quote the janitor: "Everything is negotiable".