Originally Posted by River
Equal treatment means differt things in different contexts, as does fairness.
Some folks here personally object to terms primary/secondary/tertiary (which have been popularized in the poly discourse) because they can easily be taken to rank people in importance, or because they can easily be taken to rank people in love, or in value, or in decision-making power, or... or....
...BUT,..wouldn`t you rather know ?
Let me expand on this for a moment. (slight humour, but still a real cute hypothetical.)
Say you, the poly guy, who wants love equally meets me, the lady who likes heirarchy, believes in primary/secondary.
You ask me ' What does secondary means to you, would I love equally ?'
I can then answer: ' No. I am not looking to love anyone equally to my partner. I can only offer_____________'
You are then in a position of empowerment, and to make the best decision for you.
Where as, a new term gets used amongst polys to help them feel better about being the 'second' person to come into someone they love, life.
People who are going to treat you like garbage, are going to say whatever you want to hear. They will know the right lingo, know the right terms, and say what they think you want to know. It will not matter the catch-phrase, as word travels quickly. There is no invisible handshake or secret code, that only 'true polys' would know the real answer.
So a liar tells you what you want to hear, and you believe their words, only to find out later, their actions dont match.
So for those who want a new word to feel better about things in their own relationships,...that is why I say go for it. If it`s just the word that bothers you due to history,..then tell those you love, what terms suit you better.
As a general population catch-phrase or terminology, I think it`s useless. It wont protect you from liars or jerks. That is why I say that people need to check their brain, and make sure their need for a new word, is for the right reason.
I am perhaps seeing a general assumption made in a lot of these posts ( not just you, river.) that if someone likes secondary, or doesn't want to love on the same level, they are automatically not to be trusted.
That they will hurt and degrade you.
Treat you as inferior.
I can only speak for myself, and the things I am told by others, but most people in the 'pro-secondary' column, are going to be blunt about what they want, and can handle. They DON'T want people at any cost. You are not going to find a higher ratio of liars in the pro-secondary column,..like anyone else, a good person, who is 'pro-secondary' is not going to want to attract the wrong people either.