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Old 08-29-2011, 05:58 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

My decision to hold off came mainly from this.

Looking at things objectively, I can tell that I'm feeling more connected and intense about things than Gia right now. And I specifically told her, during one of our long conversations at the camping event, that I didn't see us doing a lot of heavy bonding and growing right now. She seemed relieved. I said that, and I meant it in the moment, because she's in such a crazy place right now... just going back to work this week, just figuring out childcare, just changing her meds back, anxious and scared a lot, not having sex with her husband yet, just trying to keep it together. Knowing that when it comes to this mom thing she CAN'T fail, no matter what she has to sacrifice.

She doesn't need this from me right now. I know that.

I talked to Davis about it at length. He gave me good, nuanced advice which basically boiled down to the idea that I was making this all about me, that parents in our society are trained to see themselves as a little, nuclear unit, healthy or not, and that me trying to step into that could be really intimidating to them. They could be scared that I'll jump into their child's life in a big way and then hurt him when I leave. Joining a family, he said, is a big, big deal, and it needs to be offered, not asked for.

I asked him if it was hard for him to talk about all that with me and he said no. He really is an amazing man. Bringing it up to him at all should have been scary, but it wasn't. It's like, what's the absolute worst that could happen if he doesn't like something I say? We could break up? Been there, done that. I know from experience that I'd rather split up with him than go on while feeling wrong. It makes everything easier.

So I'm holding off on the family conversation, at least for now. Being strong, giving space. This SO goes against my nature, but I think it's right...
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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