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Old 08-29-2011, 05:36 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Default The male half

So, i'm the male half of this equation for her. I thought i'd weigh in on the topic and respond to some of the advice, since she has decided to not respond at all anymore. My responses are pretty much by chronological order of the posts, and should be read thusly.

Redpepper: Your advice is quite sound. In fact, when we first started our relationship, and both identified as polyamorus, we had a long negotiation, and this was a topic that was discussed at length. I suggested that we spend an entire year just to ourselves, playing the monogamous game together, to help build a strong relationship and good inter-relationship communication. October would be that year mark. Now, with her current insecurities, my own "start date" so to speak I am pushing out further from then, to provide her stability and security. Beyond my responsibilities as someone who is at the top of the power dynamic (which are, but are not limited to, nurturing her and protecting her), i'm not the type of person to cause undue harm in the people I care about. You are quite right in that this aspect of our lives has very little to do with our power dynamic. Part of her frustration comes from other posters focusing too heavily on the power dynamic, when she simply wished to provide a more accurate picture of who she was and what she was.

Dingedheart : How can two people maintain a non-d/s relationship when one identifies as a submissive/slave and one identifies as a dominant/master? Quite easily actually. I have plenty of submissive friends, dominant friends, etc. Our personality traits do not define us solely. It all comes down to responsibility. The fact is, I don't see a time where I wish to accept that kind of responsibility from another person concurrently with what I already have accepted. It may one day happen, but I simply don't have the time and energy required to maintain that kind of relationship in more than one person at this time.

This is about the point where she began to get rather frustrated with the responses. She came hoping to find fresh advice, or even better, personal stories of people who had had similar situations and how they dealt with it. Instead, her first "real" advice she got (after redpepper), was that it was nearly impossible.

nycindie: She is quite hyper focused on what I want. That is a part of who she is, part of her chosen dynamic in life. That being said, you shouldn't discount the fact that this is something she wants as well, not just for me, but for herself.

The second half of your post is where she really through her hands up in the air. She really didn't expect the forum to be as hostile to people involved in our lifestyle as it ended up being (and yes, telling her how "fucked up" everything is counts as hostile). Your advice basically boils down to she's young, so she should simply split, and go experience the world. This is where she saw the "dump him and move on" part, because thats what you are really suggesting, though not in as many words. Problem is, she's already done that. Both of us have spent time abroad (I had extended trips to both Mexico, and Spain, and she lived for 6 months in England, 6 months in Korea, and another 3 months in Austrailia), and we've done the self-exploration bit. The question is, why do you feel that further exploration has to be done with no ties at all? Why must it be done without any regard for a close connection to someone?

This is followed by dingedhearts suggestion she see a doctor, and soon. So, once again, look at it from her point of view. She got one good piece of advice (though granted, one we already knew), followed by someone telling her how "fucked up" everything was, which really translated into how fucked up SHE was, as this is something she's been happy with for a long time now, then sidelong suggestions she see a doctor. Also, for the record, her depression was diagnosed significantly early on as a chemical deficiency instead of an environmental cause.

Bahalana: Maybe now you see what she was seeing?

nycindie: Actually, what I want has not changed. One of the problems with communicating with someone who is in the middle of a depression is that they take what someone says, and put it through the "worst thing ever" filter. Everyone does the same thing actually, it's just that in depressives, the word filter that they interpret the world through is much darker than it actually is. The only thing outsiders can do is repeat, clarify, and reword, until their actual intentions get through. Still, this thread DID lead to some good communication where we identified the misinterpretation, and fixed it. What I wanted had not changed, the problem was that filter was blackening it now, whereas it wasn't when we've discussed it before.

Anneintherain: Thanks for the well-reasoned, non-biased response.

Dinged, I want to take a moment to speak to you, instead of responding to what you've posted to my female half. She had people PM her, telling her to ignore your advice, and talk the briefest bit about why you are so hostile to people in our community. I'm sorry that bad things happened to you, perpetrated by people who were involved in these types of relationships, but you really should separate the people from the kink. People can be mean, inconsiderate, and hateful anywhere. Don't blame the community for it. Still, if you feel like it's a mental illness, that everyone involved needs mental help, and so on and so forth, at least make your bias known ahead of time, so no one who is struggling with their own BDSM tendencies listens to hard and runs away from who they really are. I've been there, and done that, and it's not a pleasant place to be.

So in summary, what did she really take out of this? That her power dynamic, while irrelevant to the topic at hand really, was going to overpower and color much of the advice she was going to get. Sad, but that's the way of life. It just means that in her search for advice, she needs to find a polyamory forum/group with a greater number of people involved in our community so that the hostility/confusion is absent, and she can get the advice she is seeking.

That being said, we'll keep an eye on the thread, in hopes that someone who has a personal story will come out and post it, and we can glean some advice from it.
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