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Old 08-29-2011, 03:26 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194
Default Stumbling around

Hi all--I started a thread in the Introductions section, but thought that if I was going to discuss things with you guys, I'd start a thread here. Here's my back story: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...9603#post99603

I suppose I should name my cast of characters. I will choose ridiculous names for everyone!

Thaddeus, my loving husband and soon-to-be father of our son (due in December)
Sven, a good friend, and currently, a casual fuck buddy

Annabel pointed out that I should talk to Sven about my feelings and suggest that we could continue seeing each other indefinitely (if he wants). I know I should, but it's really really scary. I don't want to spook him. But, at the same time... I feel like perhaps we've had conversations that have sort of almost gone there, but neither of us have actually brought it up, because it's scary territory.

I guess we'll see how things go with this girl. He won't be back in town for a few weeks, and he doesn't seem to want to talk about it over text or email. I did talk to him a bit yesterday. I wanted to give him space over his trip and told him I wouldn't send him filthy texts like I often do--in case that got him in trouble with the girl. After a few days of radio silence, though, I sent him a text, telling him I was at a funny play, but thinking of him and hoping he was having lots of fun. He didn't reply, but he did message me on the computer the next day and talked for a few minutes. I felt some coldness there, because we have been talking and texting nearly every day for months, even as both of us travelled everywhere. We exchanged pleasantries, and I asked him how things were with the girl. He said it was a long story best told later. But that she was great.

Sven is a social guy who maintains a lot of close friendships with other women and his many lovely ex-girlfriends. He seems never to be able to make relationships work with these women, but then has no problem blurring the boundaries of friendship and love and keeping in close contact with all of them. In some ways, I feel like just another one of "Sven's girls", like I'm a rather boring colour in his box of crayons. At other times, I feel special, and Sven has hinted that he has held back with me because he knows this has to be casual.

So yes, a talk is needed, but greatly feared. I'll keep you guys updated, I guess? I'd appreciate any encouragement if you have it.

Actually, two talks, because I'll have to talk to my husband about this, too. Currently, we are not poly, we are "open", so this would be a shift in our relationship. Except he's been fine with me continuing to see Sven, and has been fine with our texting and going on little "dates", and has even listened to me as I told him how sad I was at the idea of Sven "leaving", and that there were some feelings involved. He already knows I have feelings for Sven, and has been really understanding. I do, however, think he might balk at the word "poly", so I might not use the word for awhile. Does that make sense?

I don't want to hurt my husband, so I want to tread carefully and make sure he feels special. Although he's had fun with an open relationship, and thinks I'm a cool wife because I let him sleep with other chicks, he only does it occasionally and would very happily go back to being mono without it bothering him in the least. We really opened up our relationship because I wanted it, not him, though he was happy to go along with because he knew it wasn't a threat to our relationship (thanks, Dan Savage!).
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