Back from our trip. It turned out to be a disappointment for both of us -- because it was a business trip which we thought
was going to include some time for pleasure -- not hardly! But we did enjoy some private time in the hotel -- we were just dog tired every moment. Bummer.
We talked poly most of the weekend. I am struggling so much. My ego is incredible! I was not expecting this at all. I was intellectualizing everything. Emotions just don't work that way. I am embarrassed that I am so HUMAN, after all -- that was not supposed to be the case; I thought I could be a machine or something!
He texted her a bit while we were driving, and a few times throughout the trip. I asked him to call her a couple of times, since I didn't want to worry if he was itching to call her, or if he was going to sneak off to do it. I am trying like hell to create an environment where MY reactions are not so ridiculously out of proportion, that he is tempted to withhold the truth from me.
She lent him her GPS for the trip. It was actually a great help. Hard for me to admit this! <<EGO>>. One thing that stung (although, wow, I'm glad he felt free enough to TELL me) was, he told her that one location is him, and the other is her, and he's going to put a heart near both of them and she will see that there is no distance between the two hearts.....(Something like that). One thing about Sundance: he is a MASTER with words. Of course he made her swoon, which in turn makes him feel like his talents are being used effectively -- I gotta face it, he totally melted her and made her day, and I can see why, it would have had the same effect on me. The hardest thing is, wondering if he is sincere or not -- I mean, if a man says something along those lines, I'd be expecting a ring, not a fling!!!! If there is no distance between his heart and hers......... where do I factor in????????
Who should be asking that question? Him, me, her......
At another point he texted her: "I miss talking to you." Really? While you're on a vacation with your wife, who you claim to love? Who should be asking that question, too?
No wonder there is so much confusion, right?
Sundance is NOT poly. He is trying it, but I know he is feeling a TON of conflict and confusion, himself. He feels he needs something on his own, to help him to deal with my relationship with Butch. I get that, but he is adding a lot of extra turmoil onto himself. Maybe he just has to find this out for himself, I don't know. This man has been a 100% devoted husband for 12 years. He has never flirted with another woman, never ever. He has been true blue and committed to me and our family for life. He has never once seen another woman that compares to me, in his eyes.
But if he's going to have a "girlfriend," he's not going to treat her like a piece of meat. He says kind words, he says loving things, because he knows that's what a girl likes to hear. Personally I wish he'd just stick to sex talk and sending naked pictures back and forth. He's taking this too far. I don't think he knows how else to do it.
I am angry with my heart for ever opening to another man, but it did and there is no way I can close it back up now. People always say, "Follow your heart" but I did. It got me into a place I really don't want to be.
But the alternatives all suck, too.