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Old 08-28-2011, 05:48 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I don't know how many good friendships your boyfriend has, but you might want to encourage him to cultivate some of those. It sounds like part of the problem is that he leans on you far more heavily for emotional support that you are able to on him, which is going to feel a bit more unfair the longer you are together if it troubles you. I imagine it would help if he was able to get more support and feedback from other non romantic relationships.

You might want to share with him that you are feeling sad that he isn't there for you the way you are for him. I wouldn't expect that means he would be able to change how he is, but it may make you feel better to be honest, and help him to know what page you are on. And you don't have to define it as primary secondary, you could phrase your queries about what he wants from a relationship with you in terms of "Do you want to share X, Y, Z" etc. I am sure there is some good resource around here for discussing this, but I wouldn't know offhand. You might find that he does want some things you consider "primary" but without discussing the specifics you wont know. It sounds like you know he isn't able to really say where he sees you two being in 5, 10 years, so I think that helps to accept that it's just the way he is, and not take it personally. I do get the impression that you would be happier if said he wanted to be in a long term primary relationship with you?

My husband would say hobbies are good too (ones that involve interacting with other people). I think it certainly helps with depression, but depending on the personality, not everybody want to participate in those things, even if it would make them feel better.

My boyfriend is on anti-depressants. Some of the things you say about your relationship strike home for me. It's hard for me not to wish communication on his end was easier and more plentiful, but I know it's just not to be. Of course my bf doesn't lean for me emotional support at all, and even though this also feels unbalanced because I would enjoy feeling useful in this way. I've begun asking him for advice about dating and other relationships, because that is what I _want_ from my partners. I'll be OK if he does not give me what I _want_ but the most important thing for me is to have the freedom to be honest about what I want, and to risk sharing it with him without being invested in the outcome of if he can or wants to give it to me.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-28-2011 at 05:51 PM.
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