What stands out for me is how much you are focused on what he wants. Even when you start to talk about trying to figure out what you want, you make your way back to how you can give him what he wants, and how you can make him happy. It seems you are hyperfocused on him, rather than your own personal need to make choices and create a life that makes YOU happy and satisfied.
I know people your age don't want to hear this from an old fart like me, but I'll say it anyway: you're young yet. Why limit yourself, when there is so much you haven't experienced? You sound pretty mature and quite intelligent, but this situation seems really fucked up to me. It just seems like you are in this rather insular world, closed off to seeing more possibilities for yourself. I would be concerned, since you are so very young and into the submissive thing, that you will allow yourself to get wrapped up in his desires, putting your own last. And your 20s are supposed to be all about self-discovery, so why not enjoy being young and single, and forget about poly, BDSM, and (romantic) relationships altogether for a while? Go take a road trip, make new friends, get to know yourself better, see the big wide world out there. Give yourself room to breathe, stretch your wings, and find out all the things you can be, besides someone's slave. I think that would help your depression immensely as well.
The world opens up... when you do.
Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Last edited by nycindie; 08-28-2011 at 12:46 AM.