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Old 08-27-2011, 11:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmmm...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayek
Her partner, on the other hand, isn't as forgiving . . .

Mary seems to think . . .

And [Mary]'s very much against any awkwardness . . .

Mary doesn't just not want to 'run into me', she doesn't want to know me at all. . . .

[Mary] obviously has misconceptions about the situation and about me . . .

. . . in many ways [Mary] can pretend that Beth and I don't exist . . .
For someone you haven't met yet, it is rather peculiar that you assume to know so much about what Mary's thinking and feeling.

But the real crux of the matter, I believe, is this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayek
I don't know if I trust Mary, and I don't really like the idea of someone who seems like she doesn't like me being close to the one I love. I hate to not be able to set the record straight about myself, especially to someone who's affecting my life so drastically.

After Mary refused the invitation I got a bit irritated and felt a little helpless . . .

. . . that she can pretend that Beth and I don't exist is a big hindrance. And quite a worry, too. And it slightly offends me.
Feeling offended is a choice. You don't have to choose that response. I really do not see what is so drastically affecting you, simply because Mary does not want to meet you. You've made a lot of conclusions about how she feels about you, and even if some of it was relayed to you via Beth, I see a lot of drama that doesn't need to be attached to the situation. This appears to me to be an inside job. You want to blame Mary, but even if you did meet her and it went just the way you wanted it to go, your issues about trust, insecurity, and wanting to be in control need to be resolved internally and no one else can do that but you.

Your focus should be on your relationship with Beth, not her relationship with Mary. Do your part to make your relationship with Beth as nurturing, loving, fun, and caring as it can be and whatever happens with Mary will be just something you know about but with very little impact on you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
First, Mary is a metamour, not a tertiary. You're not dating Mary so she isn't primary/secondary/tertiary to you in any fashion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayek View Post
Sorry if my terms are incorrect, I'm Beth's primary, Mary is her tertiary. I don't think I said she was my tertiary or anything, just that the relationship they have together isn't the primary one.
Isn't primary for whom? Maybe it is primary for Mary. But I think you probably mean secondary for Beth. Tertiary would mean third partner for Beth.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Next, Mary has no obligation whatsoever to meet you and spend time with you. It is as simple as that. Whether or not the two of you meet has absolutely nothing to do with showing respect for the other's time with Beth.

Third, your reaction to going to the same bar they were scheduled to arrive at later is entirely your problem. You could have stayed there and enjoyed yourself--you had no obligation to leave just because Mary doesn't want to run into you. Piss on that--you don't have to schedule your life around her desire to not meet you. How 'bout you stop worrying about that and schedule your free time without giving her a single thought? Life will be much better that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayek View Post
I'd like to know why/how not wanting to meet me is in any way showing respect for the fact that I exist in Beth's life.

. . . everything I've ever read on the subject says otherwise. In fact, some people here have put "not wanting to meet their partner's other partners" in their list of 'red flag behaviours' . . . Also, I've not felt more talked-down to about something serious...
Wow, how is someone telling you to enjoy yourself, without twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate someone else, being talked-down to? Hmmm. Methinks you let yourself get easily offended by people who have a differing viewpoint from how you see things.

But it is true that Mary isn't obligated to meet you. It is true she isn't obligated to try and get along with you. You assume that not wanting to do so is disrespectful, but maybe she's just uncomfortable with it and doesn't want to. Maybe she just doesn't like men (and you really want to hang out with her?). Since you and Beth are moving away in December, maybe Mary doesn't want to get too entrenched in Beth's life (ie., by meeting you) before she moves away. Maybe Mary just wants to enjoy her time with Beth and has no need for thinking about any of Beth's other relationships. So what? That doesn't necessarily show disrespect or even remotely have an affect on you unless you let it. I've had a few relationships which were sort of only existing in our own little bubble - I didn't need to know about nor meet anyone else in the person's life to enjoy being with them, and it didn't mean I disrespected anyone or anything they had going on.

Just because many people say that it can make relationships easier for metamours to meet, doesn't make it a requirement. Every situation is different. Someone else's red flag doesn't have to be your red flag.

I would just let it go and continue working on your self-growth and personal issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayek
I want Beth to explore this.
Well, she'll do what she wants and what feels right for her, no matter what it is you want her to do.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-27-2011 at 11:48 PM.
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