Ok.. so I took a break to do lots of thinking. And trying to find my way in a mass of craziness. Things that I thought were worked out may not have been as worked out as portrayed. Just when I thought things were going great we were happy...The bomb was dropped in my lap. Almost 2 weeks ago I found that I was being lied to. And honestly its hard for me to let it go. Since we keep talking about being open and honest and nothing is hidden I looked at hubs phone to see what all was running that could be draining his battery in a matter of hours...and found a profile he had put up and hidden from me for awhile. I was shocked to say the least because... where was the honesty.. the never hiding anything. So I thought ya know I will just ask.. So when he came in I pulled up the profile asked if it was his and he said no he didnt have one. My stomach hit the floor. So for over a hour I kept asking if he was sure.. He says he swears its not his. I let him know I was going to send it a message since supposedly they reply often and are close by...Giving him yet one more opportunity to be honest. He said ok. So I send a message go outside to smoke. Come in to a reply from said profile.....sigh.. Finally after almost 2 hours of this I looked at him and asked when he was going to own up. He asks what I mean and I told him I looked at his phone to see what all was killing his battery. And the look on his face he knew he was busted. He followed me outside so we wouldnt argue in front of kids.. And said all he could say is hes sorry. That it was stupid to lie.
Now...Im still here almost 2 weeks later and still holding onto the hurt. Because I told him over 2 years ago that I thought he was suggesting a poly lifestyle so that he could go out and it not be called cheating. He swore he didnt want anyone else he wanted this for me. A year into that he still swore he didnt want anyone. A few months back. He swore he didnt want anyone else... and then he puts up the profile looking for others in secret right after I started this thread...And he says now he did it because he was confused and upset with the situation and so he put up a profile...which to me sounds like a revenge move..which is REALLY wrong to pull someone into your life for that kind of reason.
I am still angry, hurt...and so many other feelings I cant even put into words. I honestly dont know what to believe out of him right now. We still arent talking except about what the kids are up to during his long work days. And its still short few word answers. Hes trying to talk to me to find what to do to fix..and I can honestly say, I dont know how this will be fixed. I wont let him touch me in anyway because I cant be with someone I dont trust. And I feel that in the past couple I have bared my whole self...and now Im more vulnerable than ever. I have opened up emotionally, sexually...It took me a long time to let go of alot of mentalities that I have had. A lot of past hurts..To finally give over my whole self...And now I cant even explain how much his lies and attitude have hurt and made me feel like I should have just stayed more repressed.
I have no idea where we are going from here. I got the books Practicing radical honesty and Sex at dawn right before all this mess started.. Havent had time to sit and read. But then again.. I dont know if everything is over. He says no and begging for a chance.. Im tired of giving chances. Im tired. And have been so depressed the past couple weeks I havent hardly talked at all. I sit here all day while hes at work he comes home I got to work i come home and go to bed. After 12 years of caring for him. Taking care of everything so he never had to....dinner doctors kids school cleaning etc... sigh I feel like I have been taken through a meat grinder twice...
She is C He is S