When we talk about relationships being equal, my question is equal how? I think that for a partner that's less involved on a day to day basis it makes sense (and is, in fact, critical to one's emotional health) to seek equal status as a person and equal respect BUT that in many (most?) poly situations that does not necessarily mean that it will make sense to go for equal status as a partner. For things like major decision making, vacations, family events, etcetcetc it may just never be feasible to treat everyone equally. Plus, how could all love be equal? That may be the goal, or at the very least it can be a possibility for the future, but how likely is it that, say, a relationship of six months will be equal in depth and connection to a relationship of 12 years?
Yet another scenario. What if your lover was married with young kids. You and the spouse both get dream jobs in different countries, whereas your lover doesn't care about their job. Would you really demand that there be an equal chance that your lover move to follow you, versus moving to follow the other parent of their children? Again, my point is that we can be equal in love and respect but some preexisting relationships are going to be treated differently than any new relationship, at least for a significant amount of time or until significant blending of life circumstances occurs.
I recognize that you are talking about what's right for you, and I would never try to tell you what you should want or accept... I'm not trying to be combative here, just trying to feel out these issues. Because the thing is, we can choose to talk about things using the words primary/secondary or not, but the issues remain.
Kidsoul, apologies again for the threadjack, hopefully you're at least finding this mildly interesting even though it may not be helping you in your immediate situation.