Originally Posted by Legion
Ygirl - I think she was saying, "I'm not shallow, I'm not
just about looks." You are in concurrence.
As for midnight sun, I am jealous of your 90wpm because I too, am a rambler... but more of a 35wpm rambler so it takes me much longer to type my long winded, meandering, tangential posts.
Sounds like your hubby is a little afraid that if you have a BF you might start to like him, love him.. "too much" i.e. more than your husband. I don't see there being a problem (logically) with you visiting a BF while hubby is home if he has a GF to go to? He might not be getting YOUR attention, but he'll be getting attention.
I'm a little unclear. Are your relations more of the swinger (purely or mostly physical) variety or are you talking about developing more intricate ties with BF and GF? Not here to judge, just to understand the dynamic. and to interject that if it is more "swingerish"
(note that "swinger" and "poly" and other terms might have different definitions to others, these are just mine) then it is maybe easier to appease your husband's fears about your level of intimacy with another man.
idk. then again, maybe not. There is physical and emotional and other forms of being close. One thing I decided to toss out with monogamy was the rating system. Who's prettier, Monique or Mary? Who's smarter, richer, funnier, more playful, more adventurous, has more time, is more of a challenge... &c. Who cares? Each individual relationship has it's own merits. Maybe Mary is not as physically adept as Monique. Maybe she's in a wheelchair! But obviously I'm interested in her for some reason (because she gets the best parking spaces? *evil grin*) and I would rather focus on who she is to me rather than who she is to me in relation to someone else.
If that makes any sense at all. I'm suggesting that a way around insecurity is to realize that all of our relationships with GFs or BFs or BFFs can stand alone on their own individual merit. no comparisons needed. Most of the time it's apples and oranges anyway. How do you compare a spinach salad to a lasagna? I find them both delightful but hardly alike at all. You could compare them and try and find out which is "better" based on nutritional value, price, tangyness, spice, aroma, how well they go with a Cabernet Sauvignon, &c. but why? Esp. when it's not food you're talking about at all, but human beings. Why not enjoy each for what it has to offer without the comparisons.
Okay, I just realized I'm soap boxing on an issue that might not even be an issue. Or rather it started with insecurity so it sort of is but... yeah.
God knows when Midnight will have time to post again-so please forgive me midnight for saying-
IN MY generally not so humble opinion you actually have hit the nail on the head in many ways with your post legion!
In fact Maca and I were JUST discussing this exact situation/issue! Funny that.
The thing is-that for the men I know personally they DO feel safer with the "swinger" mentality because they feel like the love should be theirs ut for one reason or another are ok with the sex between their significant other and someone else.
Ah but I beleive that is not "polyamorous" it might be poly-SOMETHING, but isn't amorous about LOVE?
Poly-amorous by strictly pulling the meanings of the word apart (wow hated this class in school) is multiple loves yes????
So that would mean if you are polyamorous or have a polyamory relationship that you are interested in, comfortable with,capable of, and/or have multiple loves.... Right??
That said-I can't help but think that if someone has "veto power" AFTER a relationship is established-then they can't be polyamorous-because to put an end to loving relationship is counter to polyamory.
NOW-that is not to say that if someone were to say "I am thinking about pursuing Bob" and their spouse said "I'm not ok with Bob being your pursuit"and had veto power PRIOR to the establishment of a relationship it would be anti-polyamory. Because there was no love at that stage...... It might be-if they choose to use their veto power every time.... then they are just mono and faking it.
Legion-in two days I've come to really enjoy your posts, I hope you will keep posting (maybe it will improve your speed heheheheheheh).