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Old 08-26-2011, 08:39 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
When I say I do not identify as polyamorous, I mean that I don't see people as wired that way. I'm just saying that I choose to live polyamorously. That's all.
agree with you this far...
I disagree that polyamory is something you identify as, like a gender or sexual orientation.
and here I part from you. The fact that it is a choice does not stop it being an identity. I chose to become a Quaker, but that is now part of my identity. Likewise I more recently chose to identify as poly: the word represents a whole set of choices I have made since 1985 (many of them before the word 'polyamory' even existed).

But I found it was much more than that. Having made the transition wthin the last four weeks from being someone with all the poly beliefs to being someone who says "I am poly" has made a much bigger difference that I ever would have imagined. It is easier to think about the ways I am similar and different to other polys from inside the identity than it was from outside; it is easier to relate my ideas to others outside the identity as well.

Choosing to take on poly as an identity (and it certainly was a choice, in the way that being male, say, wasn't) has had an empowering and unifying effect on me as a person.
I think it is a tiresome exercise when people struggle with "am I poly or not?" Well, I don't think that's as important as asking what kind of relationships you want in your life and how to create them.
Here I agree with you again. If someone is struggling with "am I poly?" then the most helpful response is "well do you want to be?".

If they are struggling with putting that answer into practice, that does not mean they are not poly (or not mono), but that they still have stuff to learn about the decision they made.

In short, for those who like academic soundbites: being poly is a chosen identity, not a determined one.


There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.
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