Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
I forget if this is from the xeromag secondary's bill of rights or elsewhere, but... you have a right to a say in the shape your relationships take. It shouldn't all just be her and him discussing and then informing you of your limits. I know that sounds idealistic now, but your needs should count too.
This is great advice. But I lack the tools to do so. What do I say?
I have been understanding--you don't turn a traditional monogamous marriage of 21 years into an open one overnight. This has been driven by my nature to be compassionate, and to see things from everyone's point of view. But also, I must admit, partly out of fear. I didn't want to upset her husband and jeopardize the relationship and any potential forward progress.
It's only recently that I've become comfortable enough to even contemplate discussing these things with him.
Another thing, I'm not sure she fully understood just how painful this has been for me until now. How do I convey these sentiments without hurling (e.g. LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!) emotional slings? I guess in some ways, you can't. But I do want to avoid "twisting the knife" as it were, if that's possible. Anyone have advice on this?