Thread: Turnabout
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Old 08-25-2011, 05:58 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I don't agree with the lying, but maybe here's some motivation/understanding/another point of view. Read what you've written:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
So one minute, I give him space to text her, I back off, go in the other room, whatever. The next I want to read everything they're saying. Then I get pissed and don't give a shit what they're saying, I'm just miffed that he is texting her instead of paying attention to me. I get resentful that they aren't as respectful as Butch and me, who refrain from any contact when Sundance is with me (and frankly, overall. We limit our contact. It's better for all of us, and I have adjusted to it very well). But his relationship with her is DIFFERENT. I can't expect it to be a carbon copy. I know what it feels like to be in her shoes, and I know how much it means to be in contact with him now, when things are fresh and romantic and lovey and new. How can I deny them that???
If the roles were reversed, would you really want to deal with that kind of unpredictable behaviour every time Butch made contact with you??

Indigo lies about stupid shit. It used to happen a lot. Now it's less frequent. But it was/is happening as a defense mechanism. He did not even realize he was doing it most of the time. In fact, we would frequently have conversations about the lying, only to have him turn around and lie within an hour. WTF?

This behaviour came from getting bitched at for stupid things in past relationships, in addition to my own unreasonable reactions to relatively trivial things that are (though less so now) triggers. As I've learned to control myself better, watch what I say and how I say it, he has been able to catch his automatic lies because he's not so on guard around me. When I "catch" him now, I simply tell him how hurtful it is, and he immediately offers up a sincere apology. Usually, we can get on with things after that. He also calls me on my own shit a little more, stands up for himself, instead of resisting via lying.

Indigo had a bit of a hard time accepting that he was lying at first. He honestly viewed it as keeping the peace.

That's been my experience. Hopefully it's helpful to you.
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