Struggling to Find Happiness
As a brief introduction, I've been a lurker on the forums for quite some time, but decided that you all were so helpful that I'd love to have your input and join in your dialogues myself.
Me: 23, female, heteroflexible, in a consensual M/s relationship within BDSM, about to open my relationship with my live-in primary partner (also the "M" in the M/s). The poly is going to be negotiated as though we were both equals, so that the power dynamic doesn't muck things up with a One-Penis-Policy or somesuch.
My Primary: Also 23, my Master (sorry if that term makes some uncomfortable, just think of him as my dominant if that helps), male, with some experience doing live-in poly as part of a BDSM dynamic (always with one male, two females, both females as submissives to him, and neither female in a sexual relationship with the other).
I've been around the poly block a few times, once as a married couple's unicorn (which was lovely while it lasted, but that ended when the wife got scared that the husband was falling for me and wanted to come out to his family as poly, and she then pulled the "I am the mother of your child and don't want her as more than a dirty little secret with good sex" card, ending both the relationships), once in a veritable stable of girls under a sociopath's control (that's a story for another post, I think, but safe to say it was imposed, and disastrous), and once with my current primary as one of his two slaves (which ended when she felt threatened and tried to be "like me" while being dishonest, with bad results).
I'm trying to do right by myself and my partner this time round, and we're opening up our relationship in October, but I can't help but feel nervous, insecure, jealous of phantoms, scared of what-ifs...all those things that monos typically feel when confronted or presented with poly for the first time, even though I've done this before. If my partner ever decided he wanted to be with me and only me, I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on a core part of myself by letting the possibility of other partnerships go. On the other hand, I recognize what value they can bring to my life, and that they take the pressure off him to be everything to me and vice versa. I know that I may have just had a run of bad luck, communication is everything, ect.
All in all, we've talked about every likely scenario and what our rules, limits and desires are. He has someone sort of lined up for October, and so, I guess, do I (at least, someone has expressed an interest in me)--I'm just muddled and scared, even if it's unreasonable. My mono side feels hurt by the fact that he has to go exploring in other romantic/sexual pastures, when isn't "having other people to do things with" what friends are for? But I don't want to sit home moping and crying because he still wants what he always wanted, and I know that thinking this way is unproductive and selfish, not to mention hurtful and destructive. And before anyone asks, I would never ask him to change himself for me. I just need to figure out a way to be happy with something that has been hurtful to me in the past.
In conclusion, I will also give the poly-go-round another try for myself. I think it deserves another shot with more mature people who won't demand everything from me without giving much in return.
Thanks for listening, sorry if this is in the wrong location, and any and all input or advice would be greatly appreciated, from monos and polys alike.