I've told him a lot of it, but I don't think he's actually come here to read/post. I'm not sure why he hasn't -- ?
Last night he was on his way home from work and talking to me. I was telling him how I don't want any "little white lies" about his relationship with her, no matter how difficult the truth may be. (I have already "caught" him in a few regarding her -- some small, some huge). I've been the liar, I know, it seems so much easier to spare the other's feelings, to just not mention something, or fib a teeny bit, what does it hurt? So tempting, but so horribly destructive! The truth does come out -- and when it does, it brings so much doubt about all the other things you believed! I learned that the hard way. Since we made our V agreement, last Oct., Butch and I have been 100% committed to honesty with Sundance. Painfully, brutally honest, even at times when dammit, I knew Sundance was going to wince in pain from it.
Hate that. But sooooooo much better than lying, and getting caught. It damages trust so badly. I would far rather have the pain coming from the big ugly truth than from a pretty little lie.
Ok so we were HAVING this actual conversation, when his other line beeped and he said he had to go because it was his boss.
I knew it wasn't his boss.
When he came home, I mentioned that I didn't believe it was his boss calling. He bluffed, said, "Of course it was, don't be ridiculous. Do you want to check my phone?"
Naturally figuring I'd say, "No, no, I trust you, I don't want to be like this, all jealous and suspicious....you're right I was being silly...."
But instead I said, "Ok. Show me."
Sure enough, it had been her. At first he acted sheepish, like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. My first instinct was to treat him as such. I mean, I knew I was "right," and that feeling is pretty cozy, gives a license for smugness, right? Oh, now I can scold you, you bad, bad, boy....
But wow, it didn't last, it had a nasty backlash for both of us.
My train of thought, all over the board:
You LIED to me.
After we'd JUST been talking about how hurtful and damaging that can be!
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT???
I can't believe you.
I can't trust you.
Will I ever be able to trust you???
I lied to him before, too, so I know how easy it is to give in to that temptation.
He just didn't want to hurt me.
It didn't mean enough for him to tell me, it was just a phone call.
It DID mean enough that he chose NOT to tell me!
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
Don't make a molehill out of a mountain!
If I let this slide, I am saying, "Ok, little white lies are understandable."
If I let this slide, I am saying, "Ok, little white lies are acceptable."
It's not that I don't "forgive" him, who am I to judge?
On the big scheme of things, HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
How honest do people have to be? Is my version of honesty different than his, and is that ok?? Is anyone in this world 100% truthful, 100% of the time?
How important is it?
I don't know. I went back and forth with it, all night. I am scared. (IS the sky falling, or isn't it?)
I know for me, if I get tangled up in lies, I become someone I don't want to be, someone even I don't know anymore. Sundance is the only one who knows his own truth, and what he is comfortable with. But how close can you really get to other people, when you lie to them? And how close than they get, to you??? Isn't it equally as sickening when they BUY your lies?