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Old 08-25-2011, 06:56 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146

Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
Thank you everyone!

Mainly it is nice to hear that I am not a weirdo or completely dysfunctional or immoral for having these needs and seeing this as a problem.
Indeed, you are none of those things.

Originally Posted by transcendental
My husband and I are going on holiday tomorrow and have agreed to have lots of conversations. He is having a major freak-out at the very idea that I even might like other people in a sexual way. He has always been ok with me flirting (and I'm a big flirt) but when I said that sometimes I think about taking it further but I don't because of him and our relationship he went mad. He just doesn't believe you can desire more than one person at a time. As for love, not a chance. I have loved more than one person at a time and he just puts that idea down to stupidity or lack of commitment or something.
I used to think like that myself. I used to think that "poly" was code for "wanting to play the field," and chalked up my own feelings for other women as stuff that everyone feels, but if they're upright people, they suppress it to keep their vows. Of course, now I think that's a really sad, wasteful, BS way to go through life.

Originally Posted by transcendental
It is all horrible, but I feel much better for saying something. He told me that he knew something was wrong but all the tricks he does to make me happy weren't working so he couldn't work out what it was. I guess I shouldn't have let it get this far but it is hard to separate out wanting to be with someone forever, polyamorous feelings, sexual dysfunction, and total sexual incompatibility. It is a bit of a knot.
Don't beat yourself up too badly. It is very common for people to avoid conflict--especially with the ones they love. It's not healthy, but it's normal: conflict is hard, and can be temporarily painful. Most people not only do not want to pay the price of temporary pain for long-term goodness, but as they are not practiced at it, they do not even realize that there is long-term goodness to be had by taking the pain in small lumps instead of letting it fester into something huge.

This isn't, unfortunately, something that we are taught while growing up--that it's important to talk frequently and honestly, even about the hard things. Of course, we also aren't taught HOW to talk about things in a non-accusatory manner, and all of our societal role models favor "scoring points" and getting a good zinger in during a fight instead of actually communicating effectively. Much of what gets said may hurt, but it can be said in a way that is not deliberately hurtful, and that kind of discussion is not typically modeled for us as we grow up.

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