Originally Posted by nycindie
I am just gushing over your writing. You do it so well. I love reading your blog. And I'm so envious of what you have, even including the longing, the doubts, the questioning. I don't even think you can really call yourself a secondary anymore. At least it doesn't seem as though you're treated like one. To have so much love in your life, mmmm... makes me hopeful.
Thank you! That's always good to hear. I find that writing really really helps me, it forces me to think things through, make connections, not ignore problems, recognize the good things, etc. Like how I started out a few posts up just sharing random thoughts/desires about Gia, which then turned into how I fell in love with her, then I wanted to tell the same story for each of my partners.
Doing that for Davis was actually especially helpful. My main concern with Davis is that what we have is usually more about comfort and ease together than about fire, which makes it seem less exciting and sometimes makes me wonder if it's less "real". I've heard the sort of dynamic I have with him referred to as "Old Relationship Energy" -- very valuable and beautiful in its way, very stable, but far less crazy and obsessive and shiny than NRE, and therefore easy to overlook.
Writing out that story reminded me that our history *is* romantic, even if we have our comfortable groove and he gives me less to chew over and ponder. He came over last night, after I had posted, and I found myself kissing with him in a more engaged, slow and exploratory way than we had been doing, very pleasant.
I've thought about the name of the blog and the secondary versus primary thing. Those distinctions are meant to refer to degrees of entanglement, not degrees of love or respect. So, Gia and I are definitely secondaries to each other... it's hard to imagine us ever moving in together or blending finances or co-parenting. But she considers me when she makes decisions, and she's told her parents and now even some co-workers about me, so I do think I get more from her in some ways than many other secondaries seem to get from married partners.
As for Davis, well, we don't have all that life entanglement stuff going on yet, but it's our intention to head that direction if things keep going strong, so I guess he's... a primary to be? We're engaged to be primary? Then again, if one of us got an amazing once in a lifetime dream job in Australia tomorrow the other would probably go with, (as hard and wrenching as that would be), so maybe the intention is enouh and we're already primary. Not sure.
Either way, since the blog is still mostly about Gia/Eric/Bee, I'm comfortable keeping the name for now. I hope that maybe other people in secondary relationships will see it and think "I could have that too, I don't need to be unvalued just because I'm not this person's primary partner.
Because, yeah, I kvetch here. I have friends I can talk to, but this is the only place where I feel like I can let out ALL of my worries without censoring at all. It's a big help to me. But overall, I know how lucky I am and I am so blessed... and I'm not religious, so I don't use that word much... to have the loves and the relationships I have.
Reading the New to Polyamory section really throws that into relief, too! It gets tough, hearing how so many people are struggling. That isn't a carefree lifestyle, that's for sure.