Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
I wonder, in a way, if he's handling this so poorly on purpose, consciously or unconsciously. Like if he does poly poorly enough you'll ask him not to see Barbie any more and then you'll feel like you have to stop seeing Butch to make things fair and then he'll get his mono marriage back.
I've thought along these lines myself! I think this is EXACTLY what he's doing, and like you said, consciously OR unconsciously, I don't know. I am not always sure if he is horribly calculating and manipulating, or just floundering. I am not sure to feel sympathy for him, or deep fear. I seriously struggle with this.
He brought her to peek in our windows Saturday night, and one of our neighbors SAW him with her. This particular neighbor just HAPPENED to be Butch's EX-WIFE. Lovely. Now I'm wondering, did he secretly HOPE that would happen?!? It was risky to bring her here! What if one of our kids had seen them? Does he want this whole thing to blow up in my face?
Because, of course, this is ALL my creation. This is the mess I have made. I think he wants it to just resolve, one way or another. I know deep down he wants me to choose. Sometimes I just wish he'd force me to. Then other times, I simply don't know what that would do. I could end it with Butch, and promise to never see him again, to never touch him again... but could I keep that promise??? Can I promise that on a day when our marriage is going through a rough patch I won't give up hope, or sometime when I know Butch is struggling I won't become overwhelmed with compassion and just risk it all, by sneaking??? I NEVER want to go back to that. I've been there. It was terrible.
I feel like there is that choice, looming over me all the time. My whole life feels like a constant ultimatum. I'm really, really tired.
Just now he told me he is not going to have sex with her anymore. That they are just going to be friends, that he told her so, too.
Maybe we would be better off with a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. (He keeps things from me, anyway, and I'd have no idea if he was telling me the truth. He works 2 hours away and that is where she lives, plus she is affiliated with his company and comes to his office all the time). I don't want to set him up to feel he has to lie to me. I'd rather not wonder whether he's telling the truth or not. I'd rather not believe him, than be blindsided when he's suddenly changed his mind, usually because I was not being affectionate enough.
It's kind of like his relationship with her is a punishment to me. For what? For loving Butch. And it is very sad to be punished for loving someone.
Funny, because he gets REWARDED, for having sex with her! I feel threatened, so I up my game. We get closer and more lovey than ever. However, he knows that by sleeping with her, he is advocating me sleeping with Butch.
I am loopy. Sorry!