I became a little despondent (homesick) while living in Tel Aviv, and flew home on a whim. I drove to visit Nyx almost immediately. Even now, I drive past the exit to her part of town and remember that day, the first day of seeing her in over a decade. I found her house and I would like to detail this more but I realize the point is just that I melted. She melted. I was torn.
I had two g/fs at the time I left, but both were otherwise occupied when I got back, one in a monogamous relationship and the other with a couple other men. Neither was too bothered that I wanted to pursue a relationship with Nyx, but the real issue wasn't that. I felt like a deeper betrayal was at work. To all the lovers I had promised in my heart that the door would never be shut, to them I was now considering shutting the door. I thought of them individually and one by one I realized they probably didn't care if the door was open or shut.
Still I debated, hemmed and hawed and not just with that but also with the idea of monogamy. Could I do it? Maybe. Maybe something else would happen. Maybe I just needed to believe in love, in my love for Nyx and all the other women in my life and maybe I could find a way. I was so close with Rhea, even though she was going to be married to another man in a monogamous relationship. Maybe I could develop relationships like that and be content? Maybe I was crazy in love and not thinking straight?
Nyx came to visit me. I went to her. I moved in.
Almost a year later, I was starting to get cabin fever. I just felt like I wasn't being me. I wasn't talking with attractive women because I didn't want to flirt because I didn't want to go over that line. I didn't want to put myself in another Leto/Maia situation. I built a box for myself and stayed within those confines but it was driving me crazy. I started to realize I just couldn't do it. I had to behave the way I naturally felt like behaving or I would just get more frustrated and already I was acting irritated about things that wouldn't normally bother me at all. I closed up and off. In late Feb or early March I told Nyx I wanted to go back to being poly. She was crushed and pissed. She had been telling me not to come up and live with her, not to try and make myself be something I wasn't unless I was sure, so why had I come up? I didn't have an answer other than at the time I was sure that things would work out.
And I guess things have, for both of us. I have another story or two to tell to catch up to the present but my mind is wiped and I should have been asleep an hour and a half ago so I'm turning in.
Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.