First of all, I love you all for taking the time to read and respond to my situation. It's waaaay more helpful than any therapy I've ever had! Mostly because you've all experienced some of it, yourselves, and you share your own experiences. THANK YOU.
Second -- thanks for the support in my desire to avoid self-medicating. I'm taking my sobriety very seriously. Just for today, I know I will not drink (or take a valium -- good thing I never tried pills, or I mighta been a goner, I fear). I quit before my body was screaming for it, so I consider myself extremely lucky. Done gambling with that shit. One day at a time.
NYc -- I am sorry we didn't meet up, too!!! Would have liked a hug, and to see your face!!! Please come to Ohio someday...
Dinged -- I'm swooning over the Butch trivia. You're so cool!
"The sky isn't falling... and if it is, fix it...." Damn, what a Chicken Little I can be! You crack me up. Thanks for the perspective. In light of what you've gone through with poly, I cannot believe you are so willing to help me.
Annabel, Open, and Minx -- thanks. I realize that you are all so right -- this is not a poly problem, per se, and that IS the problem! We need to get on the board or not -- Sundance, are you open to this, or not? Is it love, are we supporting one another's hearts, or are we being possessive and abusive? Are we loving and respecting these people, or are we using and exploiting them for our own selfish gains?
When I come back to the poly model (which is, "loving more") I think we can, and everything is beautiful. The thought of extending love to our paramours and receiving it too, makes my heart soar.
But then I get caught up in thinking about the commitment stuff, and I don't know. How much of love involves sacrificing -- and who, exactly is going to get sacrificed?! (I realize I am being dramatic, here -- no one is exactly being burned on the altar, right?!) It's really got to be a team effort, all across the board. We have to love as a couple, so that we can allow for the giving. Right?
Interesting, Annabel, about the gift-giving. We have major issues in our marriage about spending (bigger than the scope of this forum, really!) Sundance buys EVERYTHING he needs. I never get a chance to find something he'd like, because he goes out and buys it, already! Which is a big sore spot for me. I get very resentful of him, being so driven and focused on creature comforts. He has a list a mile long of specific THINGS he needs in order to be comfortable in this life. Everything -- specific brands of hair products, food, sunglasses, shirts, etc., I mean, he will go out of his way to get something he needs and WILL NOT REST until he gets it. I think it's why I was drawn to Butch, who is the exact opposite, and much more like me -- deprives himself, delayed gratification, minimalist. I read the Languages of Love book, and the gift-giving thing is a language, but I'm not sure any of us is fluent in it, haha! There is an art, to giving, AND receiving gifts. I think the most difficult thing in this has been that Sundance accepted gifts from "Bombshell Barbie" (I have finally named her!!! Barbie for short
) with such ease, she gave them so easily, he was delighted in them and it made a huge impact. When I buy him something, it feels like I'm just saving him a trip!!!
I just realized that SHE represents yet one more thing that I could not give him. And I am resentful as hell.
I need to MEET her. Don't you think??? Even though I know I'm going to be intimidated by the BOMBSHELL-ness! I've seen pictures. She's fucking gorgeous. But what would I want, for my beautiful Sundance? Looks are important to him. I'm no slouch, myself, but I know she's got me trumped in the bodacious body department, haha, and I hope I don't get too caught up in that. Ego, yuck.
NYc -- you are spot on. I think it would be great for Sundance to come share. Love your promise not to string him up -- tee hee, but I know it's some tough love here. AND I know, if he comes to give HIS side of it all, I will have some of my own shit to account for,
EEK! I scared!!! But then again, I do enough beating up on myself, anyway, I can't imagine anyone being any harsher on me than I am already. I do a lot of "searching and fearless moral inventory" on myself -- but it does help to get the tough love, it truly does. If I were doing so great at all of this, I wouldn't be here looking for support and perspective, now would I?