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Old 08-23-2011, 06:11 PM
Longing Longing is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4

Thanks everyone.
Dh and I both have individual counselors, though it has inadvertently helped our communication in our marriage, however it doesn't seem to be as beneficial as actual marriage counseling would be. We are looking into seeing a marriage counselor but so far it appears we will each have to stop seeing our individual therapists

I found The xeromag website before finding this one. It was nice to read through as most poly information makes the life style sound so intimidating to me. That site was helpful in providing a less scary look at the life choices but I still have so many emotions to sort through.

Regarding not wanting to end our marriage. We have three kids together for one. Also, our relationship is a very close friendship besides "just" a marriage partnership. I love him very deeply and feel that ending the marriage will also greatly (and negatively) affect my friendship with him. He has expressed similar feelings.

He says he will not ever pursue poly if I am uncomfortable. This is where I feel the most stuck. He has only recently learned the term polyamorous. Starting at least 8 years ago, he used erotic talk focusing on threesomes, foursomes, swapping, etc in our sex life. I played along because it got him excited and it was "just fantasy talk" - harmless? But then that turned into him looking for real people to bring into our bedroom, which real friends we could ask, who we are attracted to etc... Then I started getting nervous and problems first surfaced. It all went away then the fantasizing came back, then looking for people etc... It was January that he asked if we could open our marriage I agreed figuring it would be something slow we would figure out together. The next day he had craigslist profiles and within a week "sent" me to a mans house as a "trial". I was mortified. The man was a long time friend and didn't push me. In fact he just held me while I cried most of the night. I laid in another man arms crying that I couldn't have sex with him for my husband! I actually felt guilty! It was only a couple days later I asked for a divorce because I can't give this to him and he said he takes it all back and was sorry and it will not come up again, he only wants me etc etc. A month later I found out he had created 3 dating site profiles (in December!) met the one woman, planned on seeing her but hadn't met in person yet. A couple weeks after that was ended was when I found the condom in his wallet, that he can't remember putting there and then only about two weeks ago was when the new craigslist profiles were on his phone for a city he frequents for work.

I feel like I have to "accept" this because it will not ever just go away like he said. It's accept or divorce in my mind and I don't like my choices. it's not what I married into or choose for my life. I tried to go with it for him and couldn't. Failed miserably in fact! I'm just really at a loss that I am here again.

Thanks to everyone who has responded, and read this terribly long post!! I appreciate it!
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