I am getting caught back up in that mono mentality, that I have to choose only one, that I can love only one, that I need to BE the only one my husband loves...
I feel like, if I can't let him love another, then I need to give up my other love. It's only fair, I can't be a hypocrite, right?!
But he keeps saying he doesn't love her. He downplays everything. Is that to spare my feelings? She is obviously getting the impression that she means something more to him!!! I know he has lied to her. So how can I believe he isn't lying to me, too???
I am thinking waaayyyy too much today. I feel like I need medication. I want to make it stop!!!! I don't drink (I am in recovery so it's not an option) and I don't use drugs, although wow, wouldn't a valium work nicely right now? I've never taken one, but I have a feeling it would be so nice to just, turn off the thoughts for awhile.... I've done a lot of 12-step work and I know it works, but I feel very overwhelmed. This side of poly is harder than anything I've ever experienced!!!! How do you do this side?????
I haven't seen Butch in over a week, and I am fighting the urge to call him. I don't want him to be dragged into this weirdness. He did talk me through the family dinner thing, though, and it helped immensely. I just don't want to need him.
I just don't want to need anyone.