I feel like a total basket case.
Sundance went to her family dinner. I made it through and I was ok with it. Thanks, everyone, for your support and feedback.
I went to NYC for 5 days and it was really hard leaving Sundance, feeling unsettled with our current status. I was pretty preoccupied the whole trip, which is too bad because I usually just have a blast with my daughters.
I arranged a babysitter for him one of the nights, he wanted to go out "solo." Surprise, she ended up driving into town. (Does he really think I am supposed to believe that wasn't the plan all along? Why even pretend? I'm not sure. Maybe it seems less intentional that way -- ?)
Before I left I asked him please not to have her come to our house while I was gone. I would like to meet her before she comes to my home. I don't think that is being unreasonable. Besides the fact that I am not the greatest housekeeper in the world, and I am embarrassed that the house is not tidy (I'm really ashamed of the state of my closets, for example!), I also did not want her being with my sons without even meeting me first.
Well, the boys were in the house with a babysitter, and Sundance let her peek in the windows. He says she begged him to let her come see the house. (But he did say he had straightened up before he left. Therefore I know he had every intention of letting her peek in). I'm not sure how I feel about this. A little like he wants to push everything right to the edge, you know???
She buys him gifts all the time. Every day he is coming home with something new. A key chain, a little plaque that says "to the world you might be just one person, but to one person, you just might be the world." A duffel bag, a mouse for his computer, some sea salt scrub. This time she brought a book for my kids.
Still Sundance says she is not his type, that he loves only me, that she is just a fling and he is probably done with her now, anyway, that he doesn't care if he sees her again.
We are a mixed up couple of people!!!!
They ended up Saturday night at a park and she satisfied him orally. I don't really mind that part, haha. Except that they were in the moonlight (as they were the night after her family gathering too, having sex), and I think that is very romantic. It's not the sex that bothers me, it's the sweet little things she thinks to do for him. Which would not bother me so much, either, if I knew she was on "Team Carma and Sundance," and not trying to wrangle him away from me!
Butch is definitely on our team, and has never acted otherwise. He discourages any little acts of sentimentality on my part. He would never accept a little gift from me. We do not say I love you and we do not exchange gifts. We do not call or text each other often, we keep everything in moderation, lest we get lost in NRE and mess everything all up!
Am I just expecting Sundance to be a carbon copy of me, again??? Oh, shit. I think I am. Argh! I can be so fucking arrogant. Maybe I forgot -- he is going to do poly HIS way, not mine.
I am a control freak, that's what. And I am scared, more now than I've ever been, of the unknowns that I THOUGHT I'd be so ok with when he went to her!
I'm scared. This really is hard, and I keep thinking, WHY did I do this, again???
Maybe I should have just left Butch well enough alone. He would have found someone to love him, in time. Why did I think it HAD to be me????
EGO. I do have one, and it is huge.