I am in love with my Beta. Fucked up in love. It's been 8 months. The NRE phase is over - it's not manic and unbridled anymore. That was superb while it lasted! Now I just want him around. I want him to live here with me and my husband. I want to spend that kind of time with him. Get to know him in those daily-life ways. My relationship with my husband is better with him around. I need and want both of them. In the same bed with me in the middle. It's such a delicious fantasy. To fall asleep in both of their arms.
But alas, he is married, and this is where we are. He can be a bigger part of my life than I can be in his (my husband has other lovers welcome in our home, we have no kids, we're "out" to most friends and family vs. boyfriend has step-kids who live at home, wife who is "open" but requires absolute discretion).
I can't have more of him. I can only have what he has to offer. And I'm struggling. There is a connection that could last. This is a unique situation with its own set of limitations and boundaries. After 8 months, it's extremely difficult for me to not jump to conventional next steps - living together, planning for the future, waking up together, saying "good morning" face to face instead of via text?
What does a long term secondary look like? What does it feel like? Where does it go from here?
We are in a unique situation. And I struggle with seeing the positives of that when I want more right now.
And I know it's only 8 months. It's not NRE anymore, but it's still new and shiny. I don't know what happens next. I don't have a benchmark.
He is a priority in my life. He is important. He has a place that I make room for without much trouble. But what the hell do I do with this hunger for him? And just wanting him around?