Originally Posted by Rayek
All of this is what I've been thinking for the past two weeks. Not fun
As I've said in other posts, I hate the assumption that my partner's sweeties have to be my BFFs, etc. I do think meeting them is important and it's something my partner and I make sure happens, but it can't be forced.
Try to understand Mary's position for a sec rather than making her a pantomime villain. You have no idea what Beth has been saying to her about anything. Maybe before you worked things out Beth trash-talked you. Maybe Mary is nervous because she's the "secondary" in this relationship and feels anxious. Is she a lesbian? Maybe she feels like Beth is just playing and is going to leave her in the end. Maybe she feels pressured and isn't ready. Maybe she doesn't fully trust Beth to have her back as well as yours if there are issues between the two of you. Maybe Beth sees this demand as a way of you exerting control and "vetting" her relationships and has told Mary that.
Who knows? It doesn't seem clear and might not even be that important.
My advice would be to just let it go for awhile. Think hard about whether it is something in any way related to a control issue on your part. Focus on spending time with Beth, building trust with her in your now poly relationship. Then, bring it up with her and explain it as something that is important to you, and that if she loves Mary, then you think Mary is someone you'd like to get to at least meet.