I don't think I was clear in our relationship, and I'm sorry for that. We've known each other for 15 years, but have only been active in our relationship for 3. I wasn't totally committed for the first 2 years, not because I didn't want to be, but because I didn't know what to expect, or even what I could accept. I have never been outside of our relationship in the 3 years we have been together. I wanted it, I just didn't know how the dynamics would work for it. That's why I was reserved.
This has been a long and twisted road. Neither of them knew I posted last night. When I came over today, I came clean. I brought up the post I had written, and had them both read it. Granted, I wrote it because I was hurt, and alone. Yes, I was alone because that was my choice. But, that didn't make me less alone.
Sea said to me today, that she was hoping that I was missing them last night. Not to be vindictive, but because she was missing me, and didn't feel like she could tell me.
I've tied Sea's hands. Previously, when I've wanted to be in my own place, I've been made to feel guilty for wanting that time alone. So that was an unconditional boundary for me. Miss me, but you can't make me feel guilty, and use it against me. Now she feels like she can't even say she's misses me.
This week (end) has been an an eye opener for all of us. Sea and Tommy have been struggling with their own issues, and I've been giving them time to work those issues out. If the primarary relationship doesn't work, then I don't stand a chance. We will be three people alone. I can't have a relationship with Tommy, if their relationship doesn't work. I would never hurt Sea by even thinking that was a possibility. Neither would Tommy.
I'm hoping things will be better now. Today is the first day, in a long time, that I've seen Tommy take a deep breath. That I've seen Sea smile. When Tommy asked us, individually, if we were happy, both of us said no. We didn't ask him. He's not happy either. The one thing that will make him happy is for the two women he loves, to be happy. Be happy with him, with themselves, and each other. We can give that to him, because now we know. We know what's been causing the conflicts. We know why the conflicts have been the focal point of our lives. If you know, you can do better, and we both intend to do better.